Is he a (possible) Aspie?

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I'm a 43 year old NT female. I met a guy last year who I believe to be an aspie. We're the same age.. He's a real sweetheart and a very kind person but getting to know him has been challenging for me on a few different levels.

About him: He has job that keeps him perpetually busy- he is in a high profile position and while he seems to be doing pretty well in his chosen profession, it is his whole life. He's extremely intelligent and an artist in his own right. He doesn't have much in the way of social interaction or friends outside of his work,… if he's not at work, everything outside of work is a potential networking opportunity having to do with the job. I am outside of that sphere and while I do hear from him and see him, it's nowhere near as much as I would like. He has forewarned me when he gets busy that he would not be in contact as much and to not take it personally. Knowing the industry he works in, I usually don't.

On a one-on-one level, he tends to take things I say literally. As an example, I told him once that I couldn't find something and had to "rip my room apart" …he asked "you mean you really destroyed everything?". Another time I met him out with a friend of mine and told him I had skipped worked to do so.. he response was "You mean you lied?" To which I said "Yeah, I guess so" He turned to my friend who he had never met and said " do you lie too?" Just recently I asked him if he was "in town". He didn't seem to understand the question, until I clarified which town I was referring to.

He speaks mostly in monotone, no real emotional highs or lows when he talks. (He did get a little upset with me once when I said "wow your place is spotless!" He responded angrily "So what? I hate clutter!! !" I didn't mean anything by it other than other than I wished I was as clean he was). He wears the same color- down to his socks-all the time. He says things that are sometimes inappropriate (After knowing him for only 15 minutes he told me when he lost his virginity, which was much later in life than usual) He doesn't seem to have much in the way of experience with women and is not a player on any level. Intimacy with him has been fun, but far different than what I've experienced. He seems to be shy about even after a year of knowing each other. Sometimes he's great with communication and responding, other times not so much to the point where I don't think I am going to hear from him ever again, I probably would have walked away a long time ago, but he's such a great guy and really has never said an unkind word to me. I just don't know what this is or how to communicate with him.. thanks for your help in advance.

Maybe, maybe not. Some of those descriptive characterizations sounded familiar. I'd say skip the label and see how it goes.

How come when I post these threads asking if someone who I know may be an Aspie, I get the response ''it's none of your business''?

On the surface there are many behaviors that would suggest ASD. I see a lot of myself in there.

The next steps would be:

Read some books on AS.
Talk to him about it.
See if he would see someone about it.

If you really like him, then you need to better understand his behaviors, and understand the limitations your relationship might be up against. From there you can decide how to proceed.

Thanks for your answers.. I am going to look in to a bit more.. just trying to understand how to communicate with him better, he's really a great guy!

I am very much like that. I have loads of friends all the places where I've been employed. But as soon as I leave I can't keep in touch. Have never figured out why. So I'd say that would be a possible indicator.

This to me doesn't necessary sound like he's AS. Men in general do take things more literaly than women. I would say only your own previous experience with men in general would be able to indicate if he is different. If he tends to do so a lot more than other guys you have dated, then it might also be an indicator.

I too would say that could be an indicator. I've been with my GF (she also has AS) for about 5 years and we still have about the same level of shyness. I doubt you should ever count of him losing his shyness. It might get better with time and your support and openness. But I truly doubt it will ever go away.

That could simply mean he is just tired. You have to remember that as oppose to women, men doesn't have a specific center for speech in the brain. Which makes it a lot more strenuous for a man to communicate, than it is for women.

But if he does have AS, one of the reason I could point to him not communicating could be that he is in an unfamiliar situation and simply doesn't know how to respond to it. In which case you have to be the one to step up and initiate it.

Well I've already given you a couple of pointers towards the communication issue.

Furthermore I want to add that women normally speak in 5 distinct tones, all of which another women can hear and understand the underlying meaning of. When a woman speaks to a man, she still speaks in 5 tones ... but the man can only pick up 3. It's one of the most common reasons for communication issues in a relationship. If he does have AS you can pretty much count on him only hearing 1 tone of voice.

As such to help communication between the two of you. You need to rethink how you speak to him. You should try to avoid sudden emotional pitch changes, because he simply might not notice them. You should instead try to put your feelings into words.

Eg. instead of saying "as*hole!! !" - You should go with "You're an as*hole, because you did XXX".
(sorry it was the first example that popped into my head )

Tell him what you feel, but also tell him why. Don't expect him to be able to read between the lines. And if possible try to lose the emotional outburst. Many people with AS find them confusing. And they will tend to try and work out what's between the lines. Sometimes that works really well and at other times, the "misreading" can be catastrophic. My GF will sometimes assume she has read me right and will in fact be miles of, which will then lead to a huge argument and hours clearing up the mistake. And at all cost ... avoid sarcasm

Lastly I'll add that if he does have AS, you should be prepared for the fact that this relationship will never be what you'd normally expect from a guy. And to make it work you have to be prepared for change, in the ideal world, he would too. But there's no guarantee that he can in fact change.

You reading books on AS, I'd recommend that too. Also I'd recommend reading a couple of books about the fundamental differences between men and women. They will help realize where your expectations toward men in general are unfair, and why they may be even more unfair against him. But will also help you separate "Man and AS"

I read "Why Men Don't Listen and Women Can't Read Maps" and "Why Men Don't Have A Clue & Women Always Need More Shoes" (both by Allan and Barbara Pease). I'd highly recommend them. Both my GF and me have read them and our relationship have gotten a lot better since.

But talking to him about AS is a bit more tricky, when I presented the idea to my twin brother (who clearly has AS) he was to put it mildly extremely pissed that I thought of him as "crazy", despite the fact that I told him I had AS before even presenting him with the idea of him having it.

If you are going to talk to him about it, i'd suggest you start by bringing it up in passing. DON'T just sit him down and have a long talk (like some women like to do with their man). He will feel insecure and quickly go on the defensive.

I hope it helps

Let us know how it turns out