smiling?

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i just found out that apparently its natural to smile when someone smilese at you, and my lack of smiling could be the reason why my teachers are stand offish with me.

e.g. my parents say that if someone walks down the hall and smiles at you its natural to smile back and you do, my first reaction is to look away and i get really awkward. i just cant smile at people i dont know that well, i can smile naturally at my friends but not at my teachers, and that can make it look like i dont like them apparently, which is not true, i dont dislike them at all.


do you find smiling at people natural?

Usually I do, but sometimes not - especially if it's someone giving a bit of a flirty smile, then I'm more apt to avoid eye contact.

As for your teachers, I assume they know you have AS but are unaware of all of the traits. This is one of them you should perhaps bring to their attention in a private conversation. If they assume you don't like them, or are up to something or are hiding something etc then you're not likely going to have the best relationship you could with them. If they're aware that you don't often smile back at people and avoid eye contact due to the social anxiety/social functioning aspects of AS, then they'll likely be a heck of a lot more understanding. Transparent communication goes a looooong way.

also related to my teachers i seem to have a big problem with saying goodbye to them, i just cant bring myself to do it, my friends have pointed this out to me, even if they say goodbye i just mutter it or try and leave as soon as possible, i really dont want them to think i dont like them.

I think your lack of smile surely has been affecting your relationship with some people. I think many people subconsciously feel a smile is an indication of your liking them or your willingness to have a good relationship with them. So without a smile people find you rather unapproachable.

I've been having a same problem. Once an employment agent told me that I need to smile to have a better chance of finding a job. But the problem for me is just being around people makes me too nervous to smile. If I try hard to smile when I'm nervous, it must be looking like a smirk or something because I can sense people become rather guarded. Nowaday, I don't try to smile or be nice or anything. Not being natural seems to make things worse.

I don't know it might be different for females because people seem to subconsciously expect different ways of interaction from males and from females. But I believe regardless of gender being able to naturally smile makes a huge positive difference in your relationship with others.

So then tell them you don't have a diagnosis yet, but suspect you may have AS due to several traits in yourself and that these are some of them. Chances are very very unlikely that teachers have never heard of a kid having AS, but they may not recognize the traits & you pointing them out will educate them. Once they know & realize, they'll cut you some slack and realize it's just the way you are and that you're not intentionally being anti-social or rude etc.

If their response is negative, rude, or not understanding - that's their problem. Don't let it stress you. You'll have done your part by sincerely bringing it to their attention and letting it be known you're not a rude jerk. If they want to be rude jerks in return to your open honesty, that's something flawed in them & you'll have done what you can to politely sort the situation out. Chances are slim that they would be anything but caring & understanding about it.. after all, they are human, annnd have chosen a career of educating kids. Only the nastiest grumpiest teacher would respond in a negative way in the least bit to you disclosing any of that, and again, if so that just proves there's something wrong with their thinking - not with you.

Had I known these things about myself as a kid I'd follow my advice I'm giving now, as I'm sure it would have resulted in a lot smoother relationships with my teachers over the years. It'd probably be a difficult conversation to have at first, especially due to the social anxiety issues, but once you get it out of the way the first time - chances are the second teacher you talk to and so on down the line it'll get easier and easier, almost routine & robotic - simply matter of fact.. and you may even catch yourself doing the aspie thing of repeating the *exact* same little disclosure speech to each teacher, word for word, syllable for syllable, as you recall & regurgitate it from memory like a computer accessing a hard drive while you teach someone something. I've caught myself doing this and can't prevent it, only notice it after the fact. I've noticed other aspies do it, too. I know, a little off topic, but just something I thought I'd point out as I could imagine myself giving the identical short monologue several times over to my teachers if I were in your shoes.

Good luck!

I have the same issue only because I am really shy. I also have trouble with small talk and saying "How are you?" and things like that. It is also hard for me to say "Bye" too. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. When people smile at me while passing by, I feel so weird and I try to smaile but I end up looking down and smiling. I feel like there's a block or something in the way when I try to reciprocate their kindness. I also feel bad when I think I came off as rude or something.

Pick up and read this book:

http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Com ... kwsec=Home

Then even without an official diagnosis you'll know whether you do or don't have AS. An official diagnosis would probably be a good thing, too, though.

Then if it's still too difficult to verbalize with teachers, write it down/type it up & give them a letter. You could even point out that verbal conversations are somewhat difficult for you, and that's why you've chosen to write this instead.

Teachers are not always good with this kind of thing. I was getting Cs in a college English class because the teacher did not like me. This was not because of my ideas or actions, but my style of communication. When I compared myself with my classmates and the teacher, I realized that my ordinary speech was too precise and carefully constructed, so I set about playing a character who spoke with less precision. I introduced many instance of "um," "like," and "you know." into my speech and wrote in less complex sentences with a reduced vocabulary. I got an A.

Um, you know, it's like: you do what you have to to get by.

In a similar way, I learned to smile enough and make enough eye contact, although I had to use cheats like looking at the eyebrow to avoid the intimacy panic feeling--and eventually got so used to playing that role that it became a natural part of my routine encounters.

Smiling and making brief eye contact really helps to put people at their eyes and allows them to like you. It's a good thing to fake and practice so that you can put it on when you need it, I think.

Practice practice practice. Or desensitize. Eye gaze was painful for me, but when my mother said she didn't trust a certain neighbor because she would not look at her, I realized that maybe other people would not trust me for the same reason. So I forced myself to look into people's eyes for years. Now eye gaze is not painful and I can do it easily. Now I am working on the timing: looking long enough, but not too long.
Practice smiling. Practice returning gaze. Maybe you have a decent cousin or friend you can practice passing and smiling at?

I smile when I want to smile. I don't automatically smile back at people. I do it when I want to.
I am a person that smiles a lot, even subconsciously, therefore if I smile after someone has smiled at me, it's a coincidence most of the times.

When I ever tried smiling out in public. I felt like I was sweating blood while swimming with sharks.