Talking to people...

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Hi everyone,

this is something I have issues with - although I'm dealing better with it than I did about 5 years ago...

"Hi, How are you?"

Ok, so I've managed to just say "OK" "Fine" etc where I would usually go into a long statement about whats wrong... But I never know whether to ask "how are you?" back...

Should you ask it back sometimes and not others? sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have asked it back for example when saying "hi" to people when walking past each other - sometimes I feel as if they're inconvenienced by it - does anyone ever feel this way?

I find moving the conversation on from here problematic too - once the "oks" are done what then? Usually the person will ask what I'm upto and I'll end up steering the conversation (without meaning to) onto whatever subject I'm interested in and just go on about that. A few of my friends often comment that it's almost like a one sided conversation. It helps when a friend also has a simmilar interest and can put up with a conversation on it.

Also, I often come accross as ignorant because it doesn't occur to me to say "Hi" especially when passing people who I'm not that close to, it just feels awkward if I try to aswell...

Any suggestions to have better conversations?

I have the same problems with small talk. I try to keep it simple, and to remember the correct stock phrases to plug in at those times, but sometimes I am so lost in my own thoughts that it never occurs to me to initiate or respond to small talk comments. So I guess I am taken as being rude sometimes, but hey, this stuff just doesn't occur to me on a regular basis, and when I am busy thinking my own thoughts, it's kind of like I'm swimming underwater, and when I come up for air, I've missed part of the pool side conversation, but am still expected to chime in myself, and to know what to say, without knowing what the topic of conversation is. HUH?! !! I guess I'm kind of clueless at times.

I've learned to navigate a conversation fair. I've paid close attention to others who were engaged in small talk and have picked up a few phrases here and there. They are all questions though. Once the person answers all of the questions with no outside interruptions or anything, all I have is silence for them though. However, and luckily...usually this is interrupted by a phone call, or someone else walking into the room (I'm talking about at work), so I'm usually saved from the awkwardness.

With people I know I use the cliched phrases as I pass them, even though it sounds insincere to my ears. What is confusing is what to do with people you don't know so well or people that are shy or just plain rude. Do I say 'hi' anyway, smile, or just keep walking? I hate it when they don't reciprocate. Sometimes I will whisper 'hi' under my breath and then if they don't say anything I pretend they didn't hear me.

I say "Hi" to people, but I never ask "How are you?" front or back. I reply "Good" when people ask me "How are you?" I hate this pointless social ritual, but not as much as I hate shaking hands.

Returning the "how are you" is useful. Adding their name during the exchange is helpful. These observations are for my own benefit as much as anyone's. Sometimes it all seems like singing a song you never much liked.

I always find asking the other person questions very difficult. I wish they would just say everything to me, so that I wouldn't have to ask any questions. I find I spend a few seconds plucking up the courage to actually ask them a question. Like my best friend's boyfriend is going into hospital for an operation on his hand, and when she said that to me, I knew how to empathise, but I had difficulties with asking her a question about him, because I knew I should of, but no questions came to mind at the time. So I got stuck. I should of asked something like, ''so when's he actually going into hospital?'' or something like that. But at the time I always find it SO difficult to ask, even if I think of the right question at the time, I still have difficulties asking it, due to some sort of fear.

I often have the same difficulties. If I ask them how they are, I almost always rush it, so it comes out really fast, with NO pause between saying how I am and asking them how they are, like "Finehowareyou?" And I always ignore the response. I often just pretend they didn't ask me and dive right into what I was wanting to talk to them about, or ask them what they want, etc.

I just avoid people by reading or by looking clueless and in my thoughts, which is generally true. When forced, I go as far as saying that I'm fine, then start looking clueless again.

I find I'm always trying to blurt everything out at once, as though I get the feeling the other person's going to interrupt or something so I say it in a rush. I think I would be a better communicator and a converser if I learnt to actually talk a little slower, pausing occasionally and even taking a relaxed deep breath. I hear a lot of people doing this so it wouldn't sound weird. Sometimes I see people close their mouths between ''paragraphs'' for about one second, then open it again to carry on, and a lot of people swallow aswell in between ''paragraphs''. It shows that you're more relaxed and confident in talking. When I just blurt everything out I think I sound more tense, and by trying to blurt stuff out all at once doesn't sound good because I don't give myself enough time to think of what I want to say next, I just dwindle off into silence and look all helpless.

I might try to break up my speech a bit. Not by stretching the gaps out too far, just leaving about a second (which is long enough) in between paragraphs. I can't really explain what I mean but I know what I mean myself. Sorry if I don't sound clear.

Them: Hey cogs, how are you?
Me: Ok, and yourself?

Them: Hello cogs, how have you been?
Me: Ok, and how have you been?

Them: How you been cogs?
Me: Ok, you?

I dont care whether they answer my reply or not. It doesnt really seem to impact the conversation.
I'll never ask someone how they have been without them asking me first, or unless I know that they always ask me without exception.

I dont tend to greet people unless I know it is expected, often if someone I know sees me I will just give them a nod or smile.

Moving on from the ok's I try to ask them what they have been doing and as soon as they mention something that sounds potentially interesting I jump in and try to get into a deep conversation about that. Eg.
Them: ...and need a new phone
Me: Oh, which one are you thinking of getting
Them: Well, not sure at the moment
Me: Do you know what OS?
Them: Thinking I might get android
Me: What interests you about android
And voila, conversation has changed from being about that persons life to being about a mobile operating system.
However these little digs might be unsuccessful in which case I tend to default back to the original topic and wait for another oportunity to dig deeper. I generally dont participate in conversations about things I know nothing of.

I got a lot of practice at this when I worked at The Home Depot. They sometimes stuck me at the door as a greeter. Interestingly, this was in a city that has a high Hispanic population, so I got a little practice in both English and Spanish.

I eventually realized that being a greeter is really impersonal. It's more a matter of repeating a stock phrase (such as "Welcome to the Home Depot!" or "If you need any help, let me know!"), with it being very, very rare that somebody actually decides to try to have a conversation. Usually I got something like, "Hello!" or "Where are the hammers?", with the former being something I don't have to respond to (since I initiated the greeting), and the latter being a technical question that I'm fine with explaining.

However, I realized that there are a lot of people that seem to just be going through the motions, a lot like we are. A fair number hear, "Hello!" and respond with, "How are you?" while continuing to walk away. At first I was very confused, since I would go to respond, "I'm good!", just to realize that they were walking away, not looking at me... they weren't expecting an actual answer back. I first struggled with this very issue the OP referred to- Do I bother asking, "How are you?" back? Does this person actually care? Or are they just "being nice"?

I've found that the majority of the time... people are just being nice. They honestly don't care at all how you are, or even if you respond back to them. Of course, this was a special situation (considering I, as the employee and representative of the store, had to be very courteous. Meanwhile, they, as the customer, could very well have felt that I was as much a person as an automated greeting machine.) So perhaps my experience is skewed by that, but it does tell one thing- a lot of people are just going through the motions, in much the way we are. They're just better at making it look natural. Moral of the story? Don't think the person you're talking to actually cares how you are. Give the stock answer ("fine", "okay", "all right" etc.), then give the stock response ("and you?") That's what many NTs do, after all. It gives the appearance of interest, which matters to some folks personally, and matters to others as a social norm that they expect to have reciprocated. Most people will give a stock response back to you, anyway.

IMO...if someone asks you how you are it is not your duty to return the favor....if you want to call it that.
I'm a private person and do not like to be asked how I am doing....
I say "good" "ok" "alright" "excellent"(on the rare occasion I am) or "so so"
They ask a question...i give an answer....as i feel I am obligated, but to tell you the truth i'd rather not let someone know how I am.
Because if I were to really let someone know "how I am" at any given time...it would probably take a long time to explain due to my difficulties verbalizing what i am feeling/thinking...
On the rare occasion I ask the other person how they are doing it is usually because the person came off as being a warm and kinda person or because it's a pretty girl and that'll probably be the only words I can muster in my sheer awe of beauty.

Anyways...screw social conventions...say what ya wanna say...you have the right to plead the 5th even.....though the recipient will likely not take it too kindly.