I am diagnosed, but I don't really think I have asperger's.

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Just as the title describes, I do not think I have asperger's.

I was initially diagnosed at the behest of my mother and the school district at the age of 13. I do not blame them--they wanted a reason, a label, for my behavior; behavior that included a nearly complete internal, and external isolation. I didn't speak, and I absorbed myself nearly completely in books, as well as digital media. To be honest, although I wanted to, I wasn't really living on the same planet as them. Years of what I had realized was social rejection had hardened me.

I am now 22, and am starting my junior year of computer science at Washington University in Seattle. Since the age of 13, I have been taking advantage of monthly SSI payments as well as the healthcare that comes along with it.

However, as time goes on, I realize that I am not really on the same level as many people who self-label, or are truly diagnosed as 'asperger's.' I still can't really communicate well--my mind is always racing and the words simply don't form in the way in which I intend. I can't read people well, either. I cannot sense body language in the same way others do--it is an entirely conscious, predictive action (not intuitive.) Nevertheless, I digress, I do not seem to resemble the typical asperger's case in terms of personality and behavior.

TL;DR
Basically, I feel guilty receiving SSI payments for a disability I am not certain that I truly have. I also find it difficult to associate myself with others who classify themselves as 'aspies.'

I have also been re-evaluated several times for both SSI, and for asperger's.

I'm sorry that all of this seems so self-centered. I'm also sorry for any errors, it happens when I write about things like this. I just felt that I should post and see what people think. Get outside my own head...

edit 1: as a secondary, people who obsess about being diagnosed kind of strike me as silly.

So you don't think you have AS because you can't relate to other aspies?

Whenever you got reevaluated for AS and SSI, did they say you have AS every time?

It might help if you go into more specific detail about how you feel you do not correlate with a typical Asperger's diagnosis.

Maybe you have HFA or are an Aspie in denial or are an NT with ADD/ADHD or probably have HAF and AS and in denail who knows you are what you are and who you are. I used to deny my AS and HFA all the time but I learn to accept it in a way we are normal like everyone else just slightly awkward at times but its all good.

Well, it could also fit schizoid personality disorder.

I think in terms of Asperger-like behaviour traits the world is divided into people who feel more at ease with a diagnosis and that they fit a set dignostic criteria and others, like myself, who while having received a diagnosis (imposed, not sought) and being able to acknowledge that certain of my behaviour traits are similar to the Aspergers diagnosis, feel it is too restrictive an explanation for 'how I am'. Aspergers can't be tested for medically so there's no way of 'proving' it exists in one person as opposed to another - it's just a construct placed on certain types of human behaviour.

If your continuing to receive disability benefits, even after being reassessed, then it sounds like you must have some symptoms which are causing you difficulty in you day to day life?

However, if you want to know whether you definitely have AS (or another condition) then perhaps you should go to your doctor and seek advice about how to get reassessed.

Then explain the reasons as to why you think it may not be AS at all. They might either find that it is indeed something else, or, if they too believe it is AS they could explain why.

From what you describe of yourself, you sound like you may have HFA--High Functioning Autism. Both this and Asperger's Syndrome are part of the Autism spectrum of disorders. HFA and Asperger's have many traits in common. However, HFA usually involves communication and speaking problems. It is not necessary to make a big deal about the difference, though, as these two disorders are closely related, and are easily mistaken for one another.

As for not seeing enough similarity between yourself and other Aspies, there are many different traits that we can each have, and at various levels of intensity. No one has all of the traits, and no two people have the exact same combination of traits/intensity. So, each person on the Autism spectrum will present med/psych wise at least a little differently from every other person on the spectrum. This is the main reason why it took the psych docs such a long time to recognize not only Classic Autism, but the other disorders on the spectrum, too.

So, stop worrying about collecting your SSI benefits under false pretences. Multiple evaluations indicate that you are on the Autism spectrum. Some psych docs don't even distinguish between HFA and Asperger's, as they are very similar, and they are both part of the spectrum, so it's not an issue. You are not collecting under false pretences.

Now have a great life!

Well there are many diagnoses in this area who can look very similar:
- Asperger's-Syndrom
- HFA
- PDD-NOS
- McDD
- schizoid personality disoder
- schizotypal personality disorder
etc.

Just a good Psychiatrist who knows about the similarities and differences in this area can tell this exactly.