What we have here... is a failure to communicate...

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Okay - background... Im a 32 y/o Aspie guy married to a 40 y/o NT lady. We have been together for the last 10 years - (not that they havent been very difficult for both of us!) We have two kids aged 6 and 7.

At the moment we rent a house we cant afford. For a very complex set of reasons i cant work in my chosen career (the only one im any good at is as a paramedic). I can work as a chef but i struggle with this type of work and can only do it for a few hours a week. To cut a long story short we are in a really bad financial place because of some complex cicumstances, and i need to be working fulltime to pull us out of the preverbial.....

I've been offered a job as a chef in a wilderness and fishing resort in Darwin (about a 5 hour flight from where we live). Its a live-in position, 6 days a week. Not only will i be working as a chef, i will also be tour guiding very small select groups on fishing tours through some of the best and most exclusive inland sport fishing waters in the country. Fishing is my special interest. I will cook on average 2 hours a day. The rest of my time will be filled with varying activities most of which i enjoy. The resort is small with only a couple of rooms so i will avoid the crowds etc in doing this. The pay is salaried regardless of wether i work a full day or not. The job is only for about three and a half months. It pays very well. I will be able to cover all our rent and save money for the second car we desperately need.

Here lies the problem. My NT wife who a few days ago seemed okay with the idea (but now im thinking might have seen it never actually happening) is now really mad at the fact that i am going. She seems to be implying that i dont care about her or the kids (even though thats why im taking this job). There are so many reasons to take this position and now im really confused by her reaction. She keeps saying she is worried that its the end for us but even though i say its not and to stop worrying, she doesnt seem to believe me.
Any suggestions on how to clarify her responses that wont leave me totally bewildered and agitated?

First I feel that I should state that it's dangerous to act unilaterally in a relationship with respect to big life decisions such as this one. It's very important that couples find and agree on solutions that work for the both of them. If a solution only works for one person, and the other person severely objects to it, it is not a solution, and the problems it will cause are greater than the problems it will solve.

That being said....

Frequently, when men think about being good husbands they think of being able to financially support their family. When women think of being good wives they think of providing their husband and children with emotional support.

While most people understand the reasons for this, they usually overlook that this also reflects the order of priorities of the man and woman's personal needs.

Men tend to place assets higher on their list of priorities than emotional needs. Women tend to place emotional needs higher on their list of priorities than assets. This enables men and women to provide such things to their mates through "reciprocity" in an "I want it and thus I give it" type fashion.

It's a bit like thinking a fishing rod is a great gift to give someone because you like fishing and think it's great. And so you assume they think fishing is great too.

At this moment, you need to provide your wife with something intangible; that special emotional connection that women need and frequently attempt to give. She needs to be re-assured, but likely not in the way that you think she does. She doesn't need to be told that you will come back and that everything will be ok, because the issue likely isn't that she thinks you won't come back. Your wife likely feels that the two of you are not on the same page anymore and not working as a team. She needs reassurance that you still empathize with her feelings, needs, and position in life, understand what is important to her, and are willing to include her in big decisions, and the way you give her that reassurance is you sit down, hold her hand, and tell her you won't go. You just wanted to get the family out of debt and make life happier for her, but if she's happier with you staying home then you will stay.

At this point you might be thinking that that's silly and illogical because you have a need and that's to get your family out of debt and you've found a way to do it. However, hear me out.

If tell her you are going anyway because it will solve your financial problems, she will likely take that as evidence that the chain that has held your relationship together has severed....that is likely what she means by you leaving being the end of the relationship....you see the reason she doesn't want you to go is likely not because she's worried you literally won't come back, it's because in her mind, by going, you have demonstrated that the special connection the two of you used to share has been severed.

It might be that once you tell her you won't go, that she might change her mind again, because by stating that you won't go, you've succeeded in reassuring her. Or at this point she might at least be open to facilitating a scenario in which you could go without causing damage to the relationship. It could just be she needed to know she has some say in it.

Hello thingsthatfly,

If I understood well, it's only for three months and a half?

So, even if your wife didn't marry a sailor at first and didn't think it could happen... I'ts only for a season, not a whole year or many years.

But maybe there are things to think about too.
Are the two children of yours easy to handle for instance?

Your wife is fourty - not that old but is she in good shape to take care of everything on her own while you'd be away?

Chronos said exactly what I would have. There were times in my relationship where money was an issue, and my boyfriend was given the opportunity to work as an aide for a young boy during the family trip. At first I said yes, because I knew we needed money, and I felt guilty saying no. Then I changed my mind. I was thinking about being all by myself with my son, taking care of the house, sleeping alone, missing my boyfriend, and I became overwhelmed. We decided the money wasn't worth the distress it would bring me and so he didn't go. Had he gone even though I was against it this would have been a huge setback in our relationship because I would have felt that my feelings had no importance to him. It makes financial sense to go on this trip, I completely understand your position. But doing something this big without support from your spouse is a recipe for disaster.

Chronos put it beautifully and brought up excellent points. This is a decision that affects both of you so it has to be made together (one of the reasons I'm squeamish about getting married even though I'm engaged).

At some point let her know why it's important to you that you go, and how you see it from your point of view, but before she gets defensive or hurt tell her that you thought she was OK with it earlier (and give evidence why) ask her what it is that is making her upset about it. Clearly this is the logical thing to do to get the bills paid, but it does sound like she needs some emotional reassurance.

Come up with ideas together wherein you can take your temporary job but she won't feel severed from you. Maybe scheduled phone calls, or letter writing (mailed letters are a very nice personal touch) or weekly packages sent to her with a memento from your trip would help her feel that you're more connected to you and the kids. She might see scheduled phone calls as a sign that you don't care enough to call spontaneously, but for me it would be reassuring.

And then maybe you can promise something big to look forward to upon your return, so she has something positive to think about while you're gone.

Thanks all - i think that this is far more an emotional than practical problem as we have spent time apart in the past where she has coped very well looking after the kids etc. I will take on the advice and try and talk to her and see what can be done to put her mind at ease