I don't need a friend, how to tell people?

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Regularly through my lifetime, I meet people that want me as a friend. They start off softly by calling me. Then it evolves into surprise visits and invitations to parties or activities I don't want to attend. I am too polite to ask them to scram, so I always use much time and energy on persons I don't find interesting nor want to spend time with.

I have never felt the need for friendship. I never feel alone or depressed if someone does not call or contact me for a long time. I already got two good friends who I never call. They usually call me a couple of times each 2-3 months and frankly I think this is enough.
I hate it almost every time the phone rings and someone wants to talk to me, because it always disturbs me nomatter what I'm doing or not doing.

So, how do I tell my wannabe friends to not being a friend in a polite way? (I don't want to behave like a jackass just to avoid this unwanted contact, so alternative suggestions are welcome.) Should I just say I got Aspergers and I do not like to have friends?
I feel so unpolite, but since I find no value in having friends, I do not enjoy being with others, why should I use time and rescources on them?

Lastly, does anyone else experience this and feel the same way I do?

<----- Has no friends and doesn't socialize.

I feel much the same way! People often say "because we're friends" when I ask why they did something, but I feel like becoming a friend should be a two-way decision. You don't just decide to be someone's friend, they should have to agree to it!

Last edited by munkie on 05 Jun 2012, 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The last "friend" I had that tried to do the drop-in thing on me didn't stay long, her last words to me were "you don't have to be so bitchy about it"..... She hasn't been back.

Why the sad face? I'm quite happy with not socializing with others. I feel sorry for those who wants friends but can't find any. Those are the unlucky ones.

I do think you could find people interesting, you just never met the right people.

I've always been the same. I've had friends as a kid and i cut them all out. I had what could be called friends at places ive worked and i think i always give off this feeling like im not really interested. I've been asked to do things a decent amount of times. They ask so many times before eventually giving up.

And if you ask me, ill smile and lie and say im interested but im not really. I think i do actually do things like "appear " interested around people, i've learned social rules and i ask about people, i pay attention to words they say, i bring up things they said to me previously in conversations or whatever. But the truth is, im nice but i'm not interested. I know it'd be so easy to just say "f**k off, im not interested", im not sure why i dont, maybe it's like i just wouldn't like it done to me or something.

Still, i always did wish that i could find someone that i wasn't like that to. Someone i genuinely was interested in without trying. Someone i could relate to. My secret wish. And then eventually i did find someone, except they were just as cold to me as i was to everyone else i'd ever met.... haha, typical.

Well, at least i know it's possible now ofc, there's that one bonus, i do know that it's worth looking now and i have a much better idea of just what kind of person i do actually find interesting. I'm not saying the op is the same as me ofc, i think wanting it makes a difference, just i wouldn't dismiss finding people you want to be around completely. It could just be that you've spent your life around too many nts and simply can't imagine having social yearnings the way nts do, but that would be because you're not interested in the people on offer rather than being truly anti social.

As an NT who has been trying to be friends with an aspie for a long time, and who often questions whether they indeed want to be friends, I would say it is best to be honest with your 'friends'. Are they aware that you have aspergers? if not, as you said, you can explain to them that you are, and that as such, you don't seek much company. I think it is important to make it clear that it is not a 'personal' issue, and that it is not something specific about them as a person, that you find unappealing, but that you enjoy solitude.

I would agree with the last post and say that not all NT's are the same, and you may find some people with whom you share common interests, or whom you can get something from, by nurturing a relationship with- just because thus far they haven't appeared, doesn't mean they don't exist. Obviously, you need to interact with people on SOME level daily (work, family, shop, whatever) and having a few carefully chosen friends may help you to understand better how to deal with those that you HAVE to deal with.

Even as an NT I struggle to find people with who I want to spend any reasonable amount of time with, and have to carefully select who I spend my time with, otherwise I begin to despise people in general, and find myself not wanting to interact with anyone at all.

I think saying you have Asperger's is something you would confide to a friend. Since you don't want a friendship with the person / people in question, why not just leave it with "I don't want to / have time to get a friendship going, nothing personal." Why reveal personal stuff about yourself to people you don't want to know in a personal manner?

I have gone with saying something along the lines of:
"I realise that you would like to be my freind, however at the moment I am really not wanting any new friends. It is nothing against you, I think you are a cool person, however I just don't have the time or interest in having another friend at the moment. Sorry, I am still happy to __[insert boundries here e.g. to catch up with you if we bump into eachother, help you with your geography assignments etc.]___. I hope _[insert what ever is going on in thier life - studies, job etc.]____ goes well for you and I'll see you around."
It required a bit of calm explanation that I was serious, that is was nothing personal.
Note, that I do have and want freinds, this is for people who want to be my friend when I dont want to be theirs.

Edit: They need to know what the boundries are in your relationship, whether it be no contact or contact in certain situations and need to know that it is not a personal insult to them, they are still a fine person, you just dont want them as your freind for your own reasons.

I only ever want a couple of friends at a time. However, this is not three equal level friends though. I only can handle ONE close friend (someone I tell most everything to---spend a lot of time with. i.e., best friend). Then, I typically like to have a handful of regular friends that IF I'm feeling like doing something out of my element or need something I have a small "pool" to call from.

Although, there has been many many years when I only had a best friend and no regular friends, and just as many years where I didn't have any friends at all. However, what I have figured out is that many people will call ME their friend while I have absolutely NO IDEA that we are friends. Like someone else said...it should be a two-way street when regarding friendship...both parties should have to agree to it.

About telling people you don't want to be friends...well, I find most NTs do not like to hear such things. They will take it very very personally. I tried to do that once...there was this couple that was determined to be friends with me my gf and they kept popping over without invitation and calling and texting EVERY DAY. They would also make sure they popped over around dinner time so that we would feel obligated to invite them to eat. They were SO ANNOYING!! !! Finally, I text one of them and said (as gently as I could muster) that I thought they were coming over too much and I needed some space. Well, she immediately began chewing me out and left many vulgar voicemails on my phone. Needless to say, it did not go well, but I'm sure not all NTs are that needy and sensitive.

Ha, I would have responded to that BS by saying, "Shows how little you thought of our friendship anyway, you were free-loading off of me by coming over all the time so I made the right decision. Go f*** yourself."

Oh, and I forgot to add that the result of my telling them that was not only me getting a vocal beating, but they never called, texted, or popped over ever again! I was thrilled about that!

I did text her back that day and said something to that affect. Then, I ignored all of her pretentious responses after that. lol

Nicely done.

I wish I could give you advice but i am friendless. I gave up on trying 3 years ago.

Nicely done. It certainly would have been much easier to forget about being polite and just tell them to stay away. I'm always afraid of how people will react, so I am afraid of trying to tell people to leave me alone. If people ever decide to become my "friend" without me wanting them to, I will just try to avoid them as much as possible, because I am not good at telling people to leave me alone, no matter how badly I want to.

Like the OP, I also hate when people call me on the phone. Luckily I have not had problems with people wanting to spend time with me all the time when I did not want them to, but if such a thing ever happens, I will try to just avoid them and not tell them my phone number. If they learn what my phone number is anyway... Then I will have a problem.