Being socially deprived

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Its no secret we aspies have an extremely hard time socializing with other person and feel extremely uncomfortable in a crowd, but it is also no secret that despite our inability to socialize on an acceptable level, we crave social activity just like NTs. Of course our issues make it quite impossible for many of us (for example, I have heard how certain aspies can't even stand night clubs because of their sensory problems).

Like most aspies, my major issues with socialization began in middle school when all my peers started changing from the child mindset to the teen mindset and of course, I couldn't keep up. Like most teens, I started focusing on having a good image, but my asperger's sabotaged me. To make a long story short, I ended up spending most of my middle and high school years having no social life whatsoever. I went to school and then would come home immediately afterward to jump on the computer and start surfing the internet whereas my peers would be meeting up after school to do some sort of social activity.

But then, I got lucky in my senior year and made some friends and this time things worked out for me. I eventually became part of this group and started hanging with them all the time. For the first time in my life, I finally had a social life, friends to visit, and something to do besides sit in my house all the time. I remember I spent high school hoping I could get into a good college to get away to see if I could restart and build a social life there, but now that I had achieved one, I was perfectly content with attending the local comm college (my grades sucked anyway considering that when you're a social recluse with asperger's, you find it hard to continue to try and fit in with a society that naturally doesn't accept you). The best part about my new friends is that they opened my life up to new opportunities to meet people and when I'm around people I'm comfortable with, I have no trouble meeting new people... its just when I'm required to do it by myself.

For the next two years (I graduated in 2010), my life was decent. I had a nice system going on. When I wasn't feeling the social scene, I had my house to chill at and just relax on the internet. Of course, I had friends so when I wanted to chill, I could just hit them up or they would hit me up. I then got struck with anxiety in March 2011 which made my life harder (because I now had to deal with the fact that I literally saw death around every corner. It was horrible). I spent a year fighting against that, trying to get my life in order and I start taking comm college more seriously too, but then it happened... my dad dropped the moving bomb on me.

I'm a two hour car drive away from my hometown, but it sucks. I hate how when I hang my friends now, I essentially lost the convenience of having a home to go too after the day was done. I'm tied down to them more since my house is no longer a hop and skip away. Also my dad made NO effort to inform me of the move and just uprooted my life (seriously, moving sucks, but it just whack when you do it to your 20 year old kid who still needs to make his way through community college. It would be different if i choose to move out, but nope). He has never made an effort to understand my issue and just does big changes like this. He also completely disregards my need for a social life. When I recently visited my friends, I got in trouble with the cops and now have to go to court (I understand I screwed up, but I keep telling my parents that this incident would of never happened if I moved. When I go to my hometown I am tied to my car since I no longer have a home down there so I spend my time driving around aimlessly when nothing is happening. I spent too much time on the road and I got pulled over for going 5 miles over the speed limit... sadly, I had some stuff that wasn't legal in my car). Because of this court case, my parents refuse to allow me to go down to my hometown because they believe I'm too stupid to understand the trouble I am and think I will let it happen even though I know what I need to do to ensure that doesn't happen (mainly don't drive around in my car with illegal s**t in it).

So now they want me to sit in my home and go through the same crap I went through in high school. Just sit on the computer and surf the internet... and now even in an environment I like. I loved the basement I had at my old house, but I sit in a cramped room, having no room for my stimming either. Plus I have depression and can't find enjoyment out of my special interests and my maladpative daydreaming anymore. They tell me to focus on school, but screw that... I'm tired of living my life socially deprived. I wasted my high school years, I still had time to make it up, but nope, I lost so many perks I had with my old house because the my dad jumped the freakin' gun! He tells me he will take away my car if I go down to my hometown and I feel he is acting like that just because like many NTs, he sees me as dumb because my disability. He still treats me like a kid just because I was born with faults I never asked for. So yeah, now my dad is trying to tie me down to my new area and he keeps telling me to make new friends which is nearly impossible for an aspie... especially an aspie who lost an environment he loved greatly... I'm sorry, I'm rambling, I can't really composed my thoughts. I can't believe I had a decent thing going on and a simple decision wrecked it.

Ultimately, if my dad allowed me to finish comm college in my hometown instead of just randomly dragging his recently turned 20 year old son to a new environment, it would of been better for my mental state and help me actually engage life in a positive manner. But nope, he threw away everything I knew because he doesn't regard me since he doesn't get me. I had the ability to do my schooling with friends to engage with. Now I have to go through all this depression, the figuring out all this crap... I can't take it!

Last edited by angryguy91 on 07 Jun 2012, 10:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wait a second who owns the car? If it is in fact your car then he has no legal rights over it and cannot take it from you...unfortunatly if its in his name I guess he does have some say over it. Are any of your friends willing to drive to your area to visit you? Or if he did take your car would they help you out with rides to visit them or whatever? Also have you thought of maybe trying to move out...maybe you and some of your friends could split rent somewhere.

You are still young, so it's not the end of the world. You have choices, but you need to remember, while you live in your parent's home you have to abide by their rules. You need to consider your choices and pick a better one than you are doing now. Here are some choices:

- Current choice = mope around the house in "woe is me" mode. Not a good choice. It doesn't fix anything, or make you feel better.

- Go to a college near your new home.

- Go to some type of vocational college, to get hands on training in a marketable skill.

- Take courses online at home.

- Get a job. Save as much of the money you earn as possible, so you will eventually be able to move out. In the mean time, do pay some sort of rent to your parents, or pay towards the utilities out of your weekly pay. It will help pay for their cost of having you live with them. It will also be the grown-up thing to do.

- If you have trouble landing a job, consider self employment. There are many types to choose from.

>> Lawn mowing/yard work/gardening.
>> House cleaning.
>> Errand/shopping service.
>> Wait for service people, so the home owner/renter doesn't have to take time off from work.
>> House/pet sitting.
>> House chores for the elderly/disabled.
>> Handyman.
>> Tutor.
>> Computer maintenance/repair.
>> Website design.
>> Other website based businesses.
>> Paint houses indoor/outdoor.

There are many other self employment opportunities. Your local libraries will have books with lists and descriptions of them, so look into it.

Now, go and do something, and good luck!

First off, I want to apologize for the long long post. I don't like to overdo it like that, but man, I'm stressing right now.

He owns the car so he has every right to strip me of it, but like I said, its not doing my mental state any favors. All my life, my dad has tried to discipline me for my aspie behaviors, but I'm now old enough to realize that he in fact has no idea on how to handle a child with asperger's. If he did, our relationship would probably of been very different, but right now, all he is good at is pressing my meltdown button which is why it is best if I avoid him. I know that can come off as me being a "self-centered prick who doesn't respect his parents" (and I realize I have made many mistakes and I regret them), but I do love my dad and my asperger's has made it hard for me to have a functioning relationship with him.

My friends are willing to help me, but they have lives of their own. They can't go out of their way to pick me on a whim so it is much easier if I have control of when I can go down to visit them.

I would move out, but it is easier said then done. My general uncomfortableness with social situations has made jobs very undesirable for me. I held a job once and quit after a month because it was humiliating for me just like high school was. I can't just start working with people I don't know. :-/ I also haven't finish my comm college education so I haven't broken into the world of 4 year college (which will also be hard for me since it will involve me having to form relationships with people I don't know).

This is why this move is so hard for me. I needed to get my stuff together school-wise and now I'm forced to work through this maze in an unfamiliar environment. The contendness that I had in my hometown (which took me 17 years to achieve) has been lost. I don't have any peace of mind anymore, I'm constantly stressed, and my meltdowns with my parents are coming back in full force.

I love my dad (I don't mention my mom since she just seems to follow along with whatever my dad does), but I can't work like this. All I wish is they sat down with me and discussed this move instead of jumping the gun. They don't realize the profound effect that having little social contact and change has on me and how it completely demoralizes me. And my dad really has a history of doing things that HE thinks will benefit me, but ends up making me less functional. Plain and simple, when I'm angry and annoyed, all my aspie traits just come out.

I seem to be missing some things here. You're of the age of majority - which means you can make your own decisions. Get yourself a job, then a car, and then a place of your own. Simple!!

Longshanks

Thank you for the advice. I'm pretty sure on any other forum, I would of gotten "lol STFU and go get a job and stop whining". Trust me, I don't want to be in a "woe is me" mode (I did enough of that in middle and high school). In fact, that is actually the main reason why this change bothers me so much. Yeah, I don't live close to my friends anymore and I live in a house I dislike now, but I'm bothered by the fact that ultimately these changes has made me into the depressed, cynical, uncaring person that I was in high school... of course after years of that, I was able to adapt to my depression (then I got friends so I could let go of it), but this change is recent so the pain is there.

Before the move, I was motivated to get a job (the influx of friends and environment made me feel ultimately more comfortable working) and do school. I was content with the current status of my life and was making plans to make it better (plans for school, plans for a job, plans for more social opportunities, and plans to get laid... got to lose my virginity at some point). But this change has taken me down.

Also, it how I approach the change with my mind. Like most aspies, my thinking is very logically-based and not emotionally-based like NTs. You're right, logically the smart thing to do would not mope around my house about the change and make the best of it. Indeed, it is the only option I have left. But also, my logically-based mind considers the fact that it would of been smarter on my dad's part to inform me about the move and not jump the gun like he did. It also considers the fact that I'm an aspie and environment is very crucial to an aspie's well-being and their motivation. I could be feeling perfectly fine still if this move never happened, but now I'm depressed, mopey, and just feel useless... the same exact feelings I had in high school.



I know you mean well Longshanks and you're probably much older than me so you have wisdom and experience that I don't have, but like I said before, it is easier said then done. If I could wipe away my depression, then I would, but right now, my depression and intense dislike of change is preventing me from thinking straight and putting the necessary focus on my life.

??? Are you a spokesman here or what? Social activity with bipeds is the very last thing i would crave in this universe.

Your dad certainly had a reason for the move. Was it a new job or a transfer within his company? He likely did not have much of a choice, esp in today's market. Look at the unemployment rate, and realize that is just those still receiving benefits.

I know how hard moving can be -- I've lived in a town I do not like since I was 15 -- the rest of the family moved away, and I'm still here at 52 years old, with nothing left to hold me except for the fact that the roof over my head is paid off. We will almost certainly be moving in the near future as I'm mostly looking in a more desirable area for work, and I about spin like a top (stim) at the thought. The only way out is through! Hubby will handle actually packing and moving, but I still have to deal with starting over at a new workplace, in an unfamiliar town

Your best bet is to sign up for classes and start meeting people in your new area -- If your depression is too bad for you to handle classes yet, audit a class related to one of your special interests -- that will get you out of the house and into a place where you may meet someone of like mind. Look for some social something in your area that focuses on one of your special interests to meet people you have something in common with.

No offense PTSmorrow, but I don't care. I'm glad that works for you, but there is no point to your reply. You know what I meant.

Nope, the simple logic behind the move was that my dad wanted a new location.

That, to me, sounds like the dad thinks your friends are a bad influence on you what with illegal substances and all. You could be a bit codependent. Some people overvalue friendship to the point, it becomes their identity and they are completely lost without companionship and will settle for anything, even people who might not have their best interests at heart. It's important to get comfortable standing on your own life. If you look around, you notice, most people are not entirely dependent on friends for their peace of mind and identity. They do not fall apart when they are away from friends. Try to accustom yourself to some downtime. Listen to your favorite music, play some video games, read some interesting books and call your old friends on the phone and talk them into coming to see you at your new place.

I definitely feel socially deprived. I only have one friend who lives in my town and the others live in different towns and cities. I've been really lonely ever since moving back from Alberta. I wish there was a meet-up in Ontario for Aspies.

It's not your parents fault, you made the decision.



Spending too much time on the road or going 5 MPH over the limit don't usually get you pulled over and your car searched.



If that's all you got out of your experience you should take some more time to contemplate what happened. Your parents moving and you getting pulled over and busted for illegal substances are two different issues. Take responsibility for your actions and your parents might let you borrow their car again. If they are truly being unreasonable and you want a car then you'll have to get your own. Depression is very disabling, so is anxiety and if these things are standing in your way then reach out and get help. Before anyone says it, this is not me saying suck it up and get a job. This is me saying it's their car and their house and your court date.

This is why I'm so miserable - I am not very good at socialising to the extent of NTs, but at the same time I crave friendships and being out and about. So what does one do in this situation?

It's definitely hard especially if you don't go to school or work. You can try meeting people online by going to meetup.com or various dating sites. You can sign up for groups or extracurricular activities or sports teams in your area.

Warning: Long post ahead. My apologies.

I think sometimes cops pull people over for minor things when they get bored late at night. They may be more inclined to do an actual search if they think there's anything odd about someone's demeanor, and lots of us have something about our demeanor that's innocent but that NTs will notice and consider odd. Lots of people on Wrong Planet and elsewhere use one kind of illegal substance or other, and I think it's a personal choice that people have to take their own responsibility for. It's your body that you're affecting with whatever you do. So, that being said, I have no objection to what you said you learned about getting pulled over, to be honest. I'm sorry about the consequences, but you seem to be able to accept that those consequences exist. So, I take no issue with your approach.

On the other hand, I also see why parents would flip out over such a thing, especially with a young Aspie as their kid. Given that, and the fact that, as has already been pointed out more than once, it's their car, I see the justification of other people's comments. This is all part of being young, living with parents, and trying to make that transition to adult life that everyone has to make.

Separate issue, as jonny23 was noting, is the rest of this stuff. Here's my take on it: An unexpected change will always be hard for an Aspie to adapt to. Who wants something sprung on them? It's the NTs who are much more inclined to like surprises and think of the unexpected as an adventure to embrace. I like new things sometimes, but I like to plan and get used to the idea, not get smacked with something major I didn't know was coming. Your parents seem not to have known or cared what you needed in order to adjust. Your life feels to you as though it's been thrown into disarray. I totally get that.

So, what to do??? Well, I'd try a variety of things, one by one, to help you set things back in order for yourself. I just got done, in another thread, recommending a book called Living Well on the Spectrum. See if your local library has it. If you can get it and you like it, buy one for yourself. Read it and try to learn from it. Then, here's what you do. Bring this book with you and try to use it to ask for some help you might need. You'll want to use it to help explain what you need. Take it in to wherever you're going to school and go to the counseling department, or go somewhere else that you can otherwise find that offers counseling. Some communities have youth services that will accommodate people up into their very early twenties. Maybe there's even some sort of autism outreach in your area. Explain that you're an Aspie and that you want to talk to someone who will help you work things out so that you can continue your education and deal with things better at home. If the first person you work with isn't a good match for you, ask to see someone else. Work with the book as part of your sessions there. It may be scary to go in at first, but maybe one of your friends will go with you the first time or two. It can't hurt to ask. The worst that would likely happen is that the friend will say no. But, then again, they might say yes.

Also consider that you might have a hidden ally. Your mother might seem silent and compliant with your father's wishes, but she might rise to the occasion if you approached her the right way. Mothers are really strong allies, and you might just not have known how she could be. She also might not know what you need and therefore hasn't considered how she might help and sand up for you. When you're established with good support in counseling, bring the book to your mother and explain the positive steps you're making to help yourself. Ask for her support and understanding. Show her how you're using the book, and ask her to participate. If you're nervous about how to talk to her, write her a letter about it. Tell her your feelings. The book might help you to sort out how you want to express yourself. You might be surprised at how well this goes. And, again, the worst that would happen is probably that her attitude is kind of a "no". That leaves you no worse off than before, but taking a chance gives you a shot at doing better. This is life. Sometimes you've got to take a risk. At least you can usually make your own decisions about what risks to take. That's certainly true in this particular case.

Please be patient. I also had struggles with my parents when I was your age. They're their own people, just as you're your own person. They will sometimes misunderstand and make mistakes, just as you do. They may need your help to work things out, just as you need theirs. So, I know it's hard, but be patient both with yourself and with them.

Good luck!

At a certain point, I finally learned to go about it very lightly by doing things like going to poetry readings to read my work. It meant I was doing an activity with others but didn't have to socialize a lot while I was there, because we were all busy listening to each other. People interacted, but it was more brief. Also, as a fellow poet, I felt a sense of belonging that simply being in the presence of others couldn't provide. I hung back when I needed to and accepted that getting to know people would take time. By the time I'd gotten to be more familiar with everyone, they knew me by my work and by my brief interactions, so they liked me enough to invite me to small parties. I then could choose when to say yes or no to an invitation, based on how able I felt to attend. Lots of people also will show up at a party only for a little while, so you could do the same and have a ready excuse of some sort for leaving early anytime you felt like being there had become too much. Don't worry about missing out. If you're patient, another opportunity will arise on some other occasion.

Take it slow and easy. I still have trouble sometimes, when my girlfriend isn't there to help me and provide a sense of security with her presence. But I remember the old lessons I learned, long ago, before I knew her. I go where I feel comfortable, stay as long as I can, and leave when I'm ready. That gets me out but doesn't overtax me. The best approach might be to take up a hobby, such as hiking with a club or playing an instrument in a local open jam. These things are organized and provide a sense of reason to be there. You'll develop skills and have a lot of fun with your activity. You'll also have more to talk about in conversations, so you'll feel less at a loss for words. See if this helps.