It's come to my attention that I probably have AS, and I was hoping I could get some feedback from the community here about how well I "embody" AS. I could use some help from those who know more about this subject than I do. I will apologize now, for rambling, and thank everyone who has taken the time to read (or skim through) the undoubtedly lengthy post which is developing below. I'm sure there's a lot of fat I could have trimmed from this post, but I wanted to provide as much information as possible to present with my case, as I really want to know if this is what I'm dealing with. Thank all of you kind souls for your help.
I'm now 29, and since the second grade, I've occasionally been told that I am weird. I've always felt different, and eventually just resigned myself to the fact that I'm not a typical human being. I knew that I was unique, for whatever reason, but there have been behaviors that I've never been able to explain. I've bought dozens of self help books, trying to figure out what's going on in my head. And Monday, after some random web-surfing, took the AQ quiz on a whim. I scored a 38. I started reading up on AS, and was quite surprised with how well I could identify with some of the descriptions.
Truth be told, deciding that I (probably) have AS has been a huge relief. I feel like I've found the missing, odd-shaped piece of the puzzle, and now the picture is complete. It provides answers for questions that I've been baffled with until now.
There are still a few lingering slivers of doubt. There are a few symptoms I don't quite identify with, although different websites vary quite a bit in their lists of symptoms. Some websites describe me very well, and others, not so much.
Symptoms I do not identify with include things like not being able to read facial expressions. Although, I have studied this. I have books on the subject of body language, and have taken tests and quizzes online. Of course, with this sort of thing, it's impossible to have an external point of reference, and now I find myself questioning whether or not my ability in this area is below average. Also, I do not believe that I have any difficulty identifying sarcasm, although it depends on the context. The only time that I may misinterpret a sarcastic joke, is when I'm at work. My brain seems to have a "work-mode" and a "goof-off" mode. I've always thought that I have an extremely keen since of humor, if not, an overdeveloped one.
Symptoms I do display:
1. Obsessive Interests
Although, my obsessive-interests are not narrow, at least not over a period of time. I'll go from one subject to the next, until something else catches my eye, but I don't ever drop a subject without immediately moving onto another. I would say that I, typically, stay on the same subject for several months before moving on. I call them hobbies, btw. Over the past few years, I've covered wet-shaving gear; smartphones; headphones; pipes, pipe tobacco, and hookahs; kayaking; home studio recording gear; and, currently, this. I drove my ex freaking crazy because I would only want to talk about whatever my current interest was. I would be spending pretty much every free minute researching my subject on my smartphone. It could definitely be described as an intense level of interest.
2. Repetitive Behavior
I feel compelled to keep my hands busy. Whether I am twirling my keys, playing with change, or a rubber band, or a paper clip, or flipping a bottle of water there is generally always something that I am fiddling with. Actually, I slightly dislike rubber bands because of the fact that I can't leave them alone and they have an unpleasant smell. I take bottles of water to work, and am pretty much constantly flipping them. I have been wondering about this over the past several months, because I had noticed that I felt compelled to do it.
Undeveloped Social Life
I have no close friends. Or any friends, period, aside from my ex-girlfriend. My ex and I broke up in the past few months, and during that time we were together she was my only friend. We had a very stressful and codependent relationship, which was altogether unhealthy. We argued and bickered a lot more than any couple should, and quite a few times throughout the relationship I tried to explain to her that I felt completely drained emotionally, like all of the work that goes into sustaining a relationship had completely exhausted my emotional reserves. It became apparent that I reached that point much, much quicker than she did.
I had been without friends for two years before that. I had moved to Charlotte a few years after high school, just before I turned 21. About four years later, just after I turned 25, I quit my job in sales, which made me completely miserable, did not get another job, could not pay my rent, and moved back in with my parents in my hometown.
While living in Charlotte, I had a fairly active social life, long term relationship which ended with a broken engagement. After moving back to my hometown, I did not attempt to make new friends, which I attributed to the fact that I was living with my parents.
I've never had more than one or two "friends" at a time, and I've never kept a friend for more than a year or two.
I'll just throw in that I had very few friends as kids, and was always something of a wallflower. I got picked on a lot in middle school. I can't respond to trash talk, which makes me completely defenseless in those situations. I just can't do it, I've never understood why.
The funny thing is, I'm good looking, I'm witty, I'm friendly, and I'm interesting. All of this leads to me getting a fair amount of attention that I am not in the least bit prepared to deal with. Being the center of attention is my worst nightmare. When starting new jobs, there would always be the moment in the store meeting, or in orientation, where the new people are asked to stand up and tell everyone a little bit about themselves. This is the worst form of torture for me. Even worse, I sing, and being a musician, even an unsuccessful one, is what I want to do most in my life. But the thought of being put on a platform in front of a large group of people and performing is something that I can scarcely imagine doing.
4 Other
I'm going to try to wind this thing down, as this is getting out of hand. I have to remind myself to smile when greeting people, but I generally only focus on this when I'm meeting someone I want to make a good impression on. Otherwise the effort required to remind myself to smile every time I say "Hi," to someone I'm passing is just not sustainable.
I have a reputation for being the most detail oriented person at work, and something of a OCD perfectionist, although this is not something that extends beyond work. And if someone has forgotten a password, or needs to know how to do something on the computer, generally they ask me. If I find a mistake in my work, it can put me in a funk for the rest of the day.
I have never really been able to talk about my feelings, and I was feeling the least bit upset and someone asked me how I was feeling, I would have a hard time not crying.
I argued with my Dad a lot growing up, and would pretty much always have tears streaming during a heated argument.
I had issues with anxiety and depression from my pre-teen years through my mid-twenties.
Alright, I'm done. Sorry for the long post. Honestly, there are some other things, but I wrap this up and I think that's all of the major indicators I can think of at the moment.
So ... yeah. What do you think? As far as I know, I don't know anyone with AS to compare notes with, so can you tell me if any of this sounds familiar or typical of a person with AS?
Thanks, thanks, and thanks again.
06 Jun 2012, 7:19 pm
