Long story short....
I know it is time to say 'enough' to our 18 year old male. I have a hard time reconciling which is more important? 1) no longer allow his verbal and bullying abusive behavior in our home or 2) not be responsible for putting him out on the streets given the fact that he has nowhere to go on his own and absolutely no resources.
His background is shabbily diagnosed (after three psychologist/psychiatrist dx and one family counselor) as a probable 'meth-baby', "Pseudo-Asperger symptoms", ADHD, ODD, and PTSD from his abusive step-father. He is also a twin and a 'middle' child.
His stepfather is a Sexual Offender (not to this 'kid' but ex con for rape, and other rapes not convicted for), a Meth cooker, BiPolar, Narcissist. His mother is a co-dependent with ASD in her family background (undiagnosed and she does not know - We see a clear cut path through the family line now that we have this 18 year AS old's diagnosis, and a little narcissism herself. I think she mimics her husband quite well. And if she accuses someone of something, it's because she is herself is actually patterning or experiencing it. She was easily controlled and abused by this man, and now as mentioned, mimics him. She chose her husband over this son - the only child of 4 that she originally bonded with. She abandoned him 3 yrs ago, and became the 'victim' to her family/friends to explain his absense. Meanwhile, she repeatedly had/allowed the stepdad to persecute him at his high school, calling the house and screaming on the phone, using a visit to quote 'set him up', telling him via phone, letters and in person she/they want nothing to do with him ever again until he can accept his stepdad and apologize to the world for lying about abuse. (Amongst a list of things, and witnesses, there are dental records showing the abuse level).
This boy was 14 when he came here. He has all the classic symptoms of the above and you are all familiar enough with those symptoms and what goes with the reality of living with them, so I wont ellaborate on that. We have tried to use the dx's to learn tools for him to be able to better understand how he ticks, why he does things/thinks the way he does, and then what he can do to make things better for himself - not perfection, just the best way he can. He had severe and disturbing nightmares, detrimentally scared of the dark, pickups (stepdad drives one), etc. He still sleeps with a bat by the bed for fear stepdad will come in the window. But now he is in the 18 yo/graduated from high school transitional stage - I'm sure it's scarier than heck. But he has made a conscious decision "because I'm 18, I can" to do things that are firmly not okay. Trust we are very strong, supportive people and not prudish in the selection of his behaviors but our issue is surrounding the actions/behaviors that go with those things that are the problem.
Perhaps some years from now, or in a forum somewhere he will acknowledge to himself that his behavior is not acceptable and will make whatever determination he makes about our role in accepting or not accepting those behaviors. But for today, he is so verbally abusive, and bullying (becoming his step-dad at those times) that it is simply no longer healthy for him, or for us to allow it to continue. Since we obviously cannot control what he says/does - only he can do that, we can only control that he does not do it in our home.
The quandry......what the heck does that look like? Where do we send him 'out the door'? We've already been down the road of letting him 'leave home' packed and out the door only to return 10 minutes later. He has over run this bridge as well. I dont want him to become a statistic on the streets of a big city. So now what. I'm open to anyone's insight. I'd especially appreciate hearing from 'parents/guardians' of this age group, but of course would appreciate anyone's thoughts.
Just an NT who's done my best to help this young man overcome this rough hand he was dealt. I'm not quitting him, I'm quitting perpetuating the abuse. I will not co-depend him like his mother did her husband.
12 Jun 2012, 10:38 pm
