Aspies from well-to-do Families – Do you feel like a Failure

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My Dad was a very successful, career-minded individual (having himself grew up from very humbling beginnings). My parents were very active in their community (both professional and religious) and associated with other very successful, leaders (both professionally and within their religious community).

Both my Mom and Dad expected their kids to overachieve (as they had). As such, there was tremendous pressure on me (and my siblings) while I was growing up – to do well in school, to be “active” in school activities, to get into a good college, to get married, to have a good career, to raise my kids with the same values and expose them to the world, to be active in the community, to achieve.

Simply put, I was raised to live a neurotypical life with neurotypical aspirations. To no fault of anyone’s. As I grew up in the 1960s/1970s, before Aspergers was a formal diagnosis.

Anyways. I am now 50. And, I am regularly reminded that I was not as successful as I should have been.
- Career-wise (I have been unemployed for the past year and when I was had great difficulties)
- Socially (I have no social life)
- As a Parent (I didn’t “properly” prepare my kids by exposing them to various experiences)

Yeah – I know that I should ignore those “should” thoughts. And, most of the time I do (especially when I am by myself, at home, doing my own thing).

But, whenever I am out in the world, and meeting with people – especially family members or people in my parent’s social circle – which, thankfully, isn’t all too often – I am reminded of the fact that I live a what amounts to a “do nothing” life.

My older brother was quite successful (effectively retiring by my present age). My younger sister was quite successful (and very active in her social community). The children of my parent’s friends are all very successful.

Me. Nope.

I would be embarrassed to tell any of them how much time I spend on WP or how much time I spend walking my dog in deep thought (while singing to myself). They would consider me a failure.

I am embarrassed when I hear about all the things other parents do with their kids. The vacations. The summer camps. The clubs. I feel bad that my kids didn’t have these experiences.

So, how do I deal with this? I try to limit my associations with these people. So, as to minimize these feelings.

But – I am curious? Are there other Aspies who grew up under these same circumstances? Who feel that they underachieved (between what they are and what they “should” have been)? Who feel sad about this?

Or, are you just thinking, “Rocket, Get over yourself”? This is what my wife would say. By the way, I am still trying to analyze what the phrase “Get over yourself” actually means. LOL.

Hmm, I know what you mean but from a different perspective. My family aren't all successful in an intellectual/financial way. But they are all NTs, doing different things with their friends and having a social life, and it makes me feel like a loner towards them. OK I may have my family proud of me for having a part time job as a cleaner at minimum wage, and none of them look down on me for it either. But if I choose to think that drinking and partying is stupid, I get ridiculed for that. I also get interrogated for not going on holiday with friends and going different places with friends.

So although sadly I don't have any advice to offer and I'm not from a family like yours, I still feel like the black sheep and I would be happier if there were more Aspies in my family instead of just me being the only one, or even if somebody had Mental Retardation or any other mental health problem that affects their life and makes them different from the norm. Just so I don't feel like I'm the only one who is limited while I watch all my cousins going away to different places and doing different things with their friends. It just makes me feel so jealous.

This post shouldn't be here!

Rocket, I'm your age and can relate to what you said, except both of my parents are now dead. All my father could think about was making money. If it didn't make money, it was "useless".

I was born with very high intelligence, and my parents had plans for me to attend Harvard, Yale, or a similar elite school. When things didn't work out that way, the problems started, and they didn't end until my parents were both dead.

Because of the way my parents treated me, I quit caring about what they thought long ago. Despite fairly severe AS, I am fully self-supporting and have accomplished all my major goals in life. I do consider myself a success even if I will never do as well financially as my father did; that's just not me.

Not really. I think my parents understand as well; my dad makes lots of money a year, but he doesn't seem too ashamed. I'm 29, though, and in his view, there's still time, I think. I think once I find a good niche, I should do well.

I'm glad I've been successful at driving away those demons, i.e. the normal expectations of the normal family of origin. I've been, thankfully, able to change my frame of reference to one that suits who I am, and not one that suits the denial-born idea my parents and family had of me.

To me, nowadays, feeling successful is a function of how well I've done (for myself, not for society) considering my limitations. I was able to support myself, in spite of horrible difficulties, till today, age 51. I was able to expose myself to a lifetime of interesting experiences that enriched me enormeously and were lots of fun (what I call fun, not what others call fun). I live a meaningful life devoting myself to those like me, abandoned, rejected, useless to society (I care for stray cats) and it gives me a sense of purpose. I have peace of mind most of the time, have cleaned my mind of the brainwashing of those who have very different values from mine (mostly money, and one-upping others as the sole goal in life, sycophancy and machiavellianism).

It was very hard to become independent from the conditioning of what success is, but I've largely succeeded. One thing that's helped a lot is that as time passed, those who liked to teach others how life should be lived didn't become happier than me in the end. And if given a 2nd. chance, they'd do it a lot more my way than they did.

My parents were hard working, but not "well-to-do" per se. I suppose we were in the sense that they knew to not live in debt and to save, so we were better off than many.

Also grew up when nobody knew about AS or even HFA for that matter. I had problems in school, but all the tests they did showed nothing wrong (not that they were likely to find anything).

So, with my borderline genius IQ and obvious intelligence, lots of expectations were placed on me.

Granted, my sister hasn't done "better" but she's had more opportunity than I have. Her problem is poor money management (could be very well off if she was more frugal and responsible).

My parents wanted their kids to be better off than they were. Both of us failed to meet that expectation, but where my sister made bad choices that cost her, I supposedly made the smart choices (finishing school, going on to law school), but "success" has never happened for me...and it wasn't until I hit 40 that I even heard of AS and realized it may be why I've always failed where others succeed so easily.

Luckily, Rocket, my parents weren't super achievers like yours. My father was an unemployed drunk and my mother eventually became a nurse. I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my house. There were no maids, no nannies, no vans to ride around in in the suburbs. I was smart but I don't think I was expected to join the 9 to 5 corporate world.

In a sense, though, I'm a failure. You and I are the same age but I've never gotten married and had kids. I don't have a house, so no mortgage. I don't have a 401(k) plan and I have no health insurance. For the majority of my life I've lived at the edge and by the skin of my teeth.

I've went through several cars, have been homeless many times, have abused drugs, been suicidal, been hospitalized numerous times, etc. This is my 2nd go around so I'm actually trying to enjoy it. I've put on some weight but that's because I've turned into a foodie. Why should I miss out on what other people enjoy?

You can say I'm just coasting now. I've applied for several jobs but no one's called me back. By next week I'll be applying for a few more and hoping something pans out.

The cloud of disappointment eased off somewhat in my mid-twenties. I don't think any of my siblings ended up "successful" to my parents' standards, but they're much less judgmental about it.

Moondust – Thanks for the reply

My dad came from humble beginnings, and worked as an SRN. I constantly heard from him the refrain "I always thought you were the one who would make something of yourself". He never had a good word to say to me by way of praise, he was always trying to make me feel guilty for not achieving more. I don't know if it made me feel a let-down, I'd say in some ways I made myself feel more of a let-down when I tried to do things and couldn't understand why I couldn't handle them and would drop out.