Long Term House Guest

Post Reply New Topic

Anybody else have a family, partner, or housemate who likes to sometimes have a house guest for a week or more at a time? I'm halfway through a two week visit from my girlfriend's guest from England, who is also a friend of mine. It's a struggle. Some moments of the visit can still be fun, but I could've been done with this after two days, max. My girlfriend and I have worked out a lot to compromise, so that she can have her friend long enough to be minimally satisfied without taking me beyond my maximum ability to cope. She's been really good about compromising and helping me in general, since we've been learning about Asperger's, and adapting accordingly, so I want to be as fair about things and to behave as well as I possibly can. I've even been able to be honest about when it's been really difficult, so that we could relieve the tension by talking about it. That's made this visit way better than the last two. It also helps that it's a two week limit, not four or five, as before. We hope to be able to break up longer visits in the future by arranging for our friend to stay with us at the beginning and end of her time in the US and other friends in the middle of her stay, so that I get a break without depriving my girlfriend of having enough time total.

I'm still reasonably okay most of the time at this point, but I guess I just want to know how others cope with this sort of thing. Does your family, partner, or housemate know you have difficulty when a guest stays for so long? Have you tried to work it out together? Are you able to manage the visit? How well, and for how long? What do you do to make it more manageable?

I had a roommate who had her boyfriend at our place 100% of the time she was there. It was a semi-supported living place and we had to have background checks done to live there and well, her boyfriend did not. She ended up getting evicted by the end of the month.

I don't do well at all with other people in my environment, which is why I live on my own. 3 months ago I had my gallbladder taken out and came home the same day. I was supposed to have someone with me for 24 hours but I ended up sending my mom home after 3 or 4. I couldn't rest even though I was very tired still from anesthesia and pain medication. I've stayed with my brother, his wife and my 3 year old niece for up to 4 days and by the end I could barely hold it together. I would sleep for days after that and it took me around 2 weeks to feel somewhat normal again. Now I have my own car so I will spend a max of 2 days.

I think you are handling things quite well with your girlfriend and her visiting friend. It's good that you are able to talk about it instead of keeping it all in and pretending everything is ok. I think your idea for future visits is brilliant. It's a great compromise and you'll be able to enjoy her visit more. I would suggest that when she's there you go 'hide' in the bedroom for a while to watch TV or whatever if you feel you need to. When I'm around other people I need to sleep more than usual to keep a normal energy level.

We are an Aspie couple, and we stick to the old saying regarding houseguests:
Guests are like fish: they go off after three days!
Moving to a beautiful area of France may mean we will have to enforce this rule more strictly, though we are more relaxed with family guests, because they are all Aspies themselves! We have also created a special guest suite which has its own front door, encouraging visitors to come and go and find their own amusements.
We are resigned to the prospect of never winning a hospitality award.......

We never had people spend the night and I'm glad we mostly lived in a place too small to have overnight guests. We have an extra bedroom now but it's small, there isn't a bed in it, and we use it for storage.

Someone my mother knows suggested staying with us for a while if their future out of state move doesn't work out and they want to come back but luckily for me my mother doesn't really want guests either.

If anyone were to stay in my home it would make my life hell and if they were here for more than a day or two I'd make their life hell in return. I don't want people in my house bothering me or touching my stuff. Having an outsider here would probably make me revert to some of the ways I acted when I was younger. When people were over I would make sure anything I considered mine was in my room and I would go in there and stay in there with the door shut and locked.

I'll give you an award, because that is an excellent situational plan you've made for yourself and your home.

I live with 4 roommates (a married couple and an engaged couple). We live this way to save money, and we've been doing so for going on 5 years now. The married couple owns the house we are living in, although we previously all lived in an apartment before they bought the house, and we each have our own bedroom/bathroom suite, and the communal living room, kitchen/dining, and foyer.

The married couple that owns the house is very social and very apt to having guests quite regularly. 2 weeks? Bah. The wife has brought over a friend from England to stay his full 3 months visa visit a couple of times now, and his next visit is being planned for around Halloween time this year. Last summer, we had not only the English friend, but also a friend from California come and stay with us while he worked on relocating to the DFW (Dallas-Fort Worth) area. One of them slept on the couch in the living room and the other in the foyer on a futon/bunk bed set up. We don't have a guest bathroom (and I really want us to add one), so my bathroom was the one used by the guests.

I'm a significantly patient person. This cannot be stated enough. So while the guests were here, I tolerated quite a lot regarding personal interactions, in-and-out of my bedroom space to go into the bathroom, etc. The thing about it that helps me to stay in the right mindset is that I have chosen to live here, it's not my house, and I still have the option of regulating usage of my own personal space according to house rules. If I really couldn't stand them using my bathroom anymore, I could have put my foot down at any point and said, "If the door to my room is closed, my space is off limits." I set up rules that during certain hours they must be as quiet as a mouse and to not knock, as that would distract me more than just coming in and using the restroom. I did put my foot down on a couple of bad habits the two guests had that were getting on my nerves, but I did it politely.

I think it boils down to what you are comfortable with, and how much you can tolerate when it goes against the grain. Knowing your own limits and being honest about them seems to help a lot.

We have one right now... Arrived at 7:10PM on November 24, and isn't going home 'til Mar 1st. I like the person, but hate the invasion!

Charles

Ive had my friend stay with us for over 6 months now. He leaves at the end of the month and that is only because we are moving out also.
It was good at first, but now im not so sure he will stay as good a friend as he once was.
There is only so much inconsiderate behaviour one person can take!

I appreciate this encouragement. It's been quite challenging over the weekend. Our guest put on perfume in the bathroom in the morning on Saturday, right before I needed to go in to shower and brush my teeth. We were going to a local SCA event, and I spent the day dealing with sensory issues that I'm newly aware of, having previously spent my life suppressing and denying them. So, with the rough start, I was especially sensitive and found myself jumping every time a flash camera went off, for example. I was able to calm down, though, by going outside a while and then by playing my drum when it came time to entertain people with some music. (My girlfriend, on her drum, and our flute player were, I must say, quite wonderful. It went off very well!)

Yesterday, during the Superbowl, which I watch mostly for the ads, our guest talked while I was trying to listen. During the halftime show, she commented and critiqued, then she started whistling and singing along. I had to leave the room and watch upstairs in order to enjoy the rest of the game. My girlfriend was concerned, but she accepted my need to go away, even though she wasn't bothered by anything our guest was doing. I didn't cause a scene, and everything seemed to be okay by the end of the evening. However, my girlfriend and I have always watched the Superbowl together, and it was sad to have to watch the second half alone.

I really have a hard time watching TV around our guest, so I mostly have to do it before she gets up in the morning, just like everything else I need to do, because she spends all day in the living room. I've had some moments of high stress, but she goes back to visit other friends on Friday. I only have to make it that far, and then it's over until the next time.

Two weeks really isn't bad, considering how the previous visits went. Both were five weeks. The first was supposed to be two (the invitation having been extended by my girlfriend without consulting me), then grew to four, and then to five. I didn't feel I had a right to object. By the end, I felt suicidal and didn't know why, not yet having considered that I might be an Aspie. My girlfriend and I nearly broke up, even though we'd been together for ten years by then. We also nearly broke up after the second visit, when I was just beginning to learn more about autism. That's how we ended up planning better for the next time.

This friend quickly became very important to her after they met, so I can't afford to behave badly. I don't want my girlfriend to be unhappy, nor do I want to make her resent me for making things difficult. And I certainly don't want to lose her. Our relationship is otherwise great, and she's usually very good to me.

Did you get one of those new accelerated babies? Born in November and off to college in March?

Yeah! I get this too. My mum is always inviting friends and family to stay. It annoys me. They keep saying "oh, we'll only stay one night" then all of a sudden they've stayed for 7 days, eaten all our food and then left.

Family are the worst though, because that's when your parents decide to talk to them about how stupid you've been :/

My brother in law was going to stay with us for a while, but that fell through. He didn't make parole. He comes up again for it in five years.

<whine>

Well, for whatever reason, my initial impression was that our guest would be going back to stay with the other friends who've been hosting her by tonight. Apparently, this was either not a finalized plan or was just wishful thinking on my part. When we all went out on Wednesday, I found out she was planning to stay with us until tomorrow. But now, my girlfriend has just come in to ask if she can stay until Sunday.

Although the visit is not being increased by weeks, as it was in the last two visits, I still feel as though the rules keep changing on me. And it's apparently not even because our guest is so excited to hang out with my girlfriend. It's because she's playing a new online game and can't get internet access right now at the other friends' house.

I've been hiding out to avoid excessive contact all week. My daily routines have been affected by her presence for the last two weeks. In order to avoid her any further, I'd have to leave my own home and go elsewhere until she goes away, which means even further disruption. Walking the dog is no longer enough.

I want at least one day to relax with my girlfriend and maybe get some stuff done, such as grocery shopping, before she has to go back to work on Monday. We'd talked about going hiking together on Sunday, too. But our guest refuses to go with us when we hike, even though she's an experienced mountaineer and ice climber, because she keeps complaining about our weather, and my girlfriend probably won't go without her, because it would be the last day of the visit (unless it gets extended again). So, it would kill our plans.

I don't want our guest to stay any longer. She's not a bad person, but it's just been too long for me of having her here. I've tried to be good and to not go on to my girlfriend too much about my difficulties with having her friend around. Most of what bothers me is stuff I don't turn around and bother my girlfriend about. I know having our guest stay would make my girlfriend happy, and I'm not looking for her to be disappointed. But I think I've had about all I can handle, and I think I need to be honest about it.

</whine>

Oh, hey, my girlfriend just came in and told me our guest is willing to go on Saturday if I prefer - she seems to be aware that this is what I need. I asked my girlfriend if this was going to be too terribly awful for her, and she said, no, she'll be disappointed, but she's had her two weeks. I hope that she's really as okay with it as she says. If so, I'll be relieved to have this whole thing settled and over.

And now I'm exhausted and must go to bed.

Glad things worked out. I was going to suggest seeing if no matter what you and your girlfriend could still go on your hike, and preferably without the friend. Sounds like you would really like the time to yourselves regardless.

Thanks for the support, NicoleG!

But now I have to laugh, because I finally felt bad and let my girlfriend have the extra day. Our guest gets picked up around 2pm Sunday. It's just one more day. It's not so bad for three reasons:

1) This time, I chose this.
2) My girlfriend is home. That always makes the presence of our guest easier, because then she deals with more of what goes with having that guest around. The first week was easier for that reason, because my girlfriend took the week off. This is the weekend, so she's not at work now.
3) She says we can still hike if the weather is good, because enough of the day should be left.

I think I'm okay with this now, even if the friend picking up our guest stays to socialize long enough so that it gets too late to hike. I'd prefer that it not go that way, but at least I'm prepared for the possibility. And then life should return to normal. My girlfriend is happy, I should be all right for the rest of the visit, and then I'll be happy to have it over without having made my girlfriend sad. This works for me.

I generally don't cope very well at all. My meltdowns increase more, and I just in general act like an idiot from the routine change. Like if someone comes for a week, it's one thing, but I've had bad bad cases of a week turning into months.

Worst one was, one of my sister's friends lived at my house for like 4 months, and she'd try to flirt with me and stuff, and I didn't want to have anything to do with her. During that time, I got a car, and I didn't have much else to do, so sometimes I'd drive like 50+ miles in a day, just to get out of the house. She basically played my mother, and I told my mother the entire time she was getting played by her, and she refused to listen.

Now, I have a possibly worse one, my sister's got another friend living with us. This time it's longterm, though. Again, opposed from the beginning, but my sister convinced my mother to let her live with us for TWO YEARS, while she goes to community college.

As for how I'm coping, f*****g not well at all, since I no longer have a Supra nor gas money to drive around all the time.

Best thing I can say to do is, get out of the house for as long as you can everyday. That's the only thing that works for me, that and retreating into my room, but my room has no computer in it, so it gets boring quick. Even then, my room isn't a good escape, the only way sometimes I feel I can escape is by just driving really far away. One day I got so overwhelmed and mad at the situation I just decided to go on a like 80 mile (roundtrip) drive sorta kinda late at night, no destination in particular, just driving to relieve stress. I used to go to friend's houses, but now I don't really have as many friends to go to, and besides, it feels sorta awkward being in their houses now.

So how to cope, leave the house. That's about all. I'd go hiking more, but it gets dark too early to realistically do that, nevermind it's kinda cold out still being February. But basically, finding anyway to leave my house was helpful. Unfortunately now, I don't like my neighborhood, too, and don't like being outside in it, whereas at my AP complex, I at least felt safe out in the parking lot working on my car out there.

So...you're kinda screwed. I've been told there's some longterm lesson of patience to be learned or something, but really, that's terribly unpleasant to learn.