Only results count!? - my personal philosopy and AS

Post Reply New Topic

Please excuse my language mistakes, English is not my mother tongue.

- What's my philosophy?

Judging my own value higher than the value of other human beings makes me feel guilty. But for me, (financial) advantages show that I appraise it higher. This contradiction causes the basic conflict.
How can I cope with that conflict? I can use my advantages as "investments" and deny each kind of private consume that is destined for increasing one's own pleasure.

The logical result of that behaviour is the opinion that all my deeds have to make sense, otherwise they are not worth to be done. Only results count. Some examples: I would never read a book just for pleasure. If I read a book, it has to improve my skills on a strategically practical topic. That also explains, why I don't watch films and I don't have friends (only relations to some people that could be of use, for example if teamwork has to be done). I dislike smalltalk, for I don't see the sense of it.

- How it developed ...

You probably won't be surprised: Egoism cannot be suppressed completely. For instance, surfing four hours on diverse web pages about computer science could only be justified if I were planning to study that topic, but I do not.
When I remark these mistakes I get depressed, because according to my own philosophy, the maximization of my own success is the only purpose of my life. Being depressed wouldn't be the problem, but of course my efficiency and my self-esteem suffer a lot.
I am not able to deny my own philosophy, because I cannot change my way of thinking, though I know that something has to happen in the next months.

- Why do I post my question on this web page?

18 months ago I read some articles about Asperger's syndrome, which described essential parts of my life as well as minor details, beginning in my early childhood. I couldn't believe the fact that a lot of "decisions" have never been decisions, but eventually only predestined due to my genes. That means that my deeds are not based on my own philosophy. It is actually the opposite: Apparently I try to justify my way of life with my philosophy.

Many of my problems could be solved, when I read the discussions on "Wrong-Planet".
Now I dared to create my own entry, because my current problem is a crucial one.

My upbringing was also like that, I always tried to get the most productivity out of all the time I had. Ambition is very frowned upon in Marxist Sweden, however, so this drive got me quite frustrated - I was expecting to be able to achieve stuff, but everywhere I went there were laws, taxes and negative people jamming the wheels. After a while I realized that if I was to keep my sanity, I had to tone my ambition down at least temporarily. Even if I have lots of potential, what matters to myself is me and how this affects me, I shouldn't suffer through despair because I don't get the chance to realize my potential.

I hope I win the green card lottery some year though so I can leave this Marxist rubbish behind me and achieve more visible success.