Giving "preferred response" - anyone else do this?

Post Reply New Topic

To clarify, do you, whenever someone asks you a question, like if they're giving you a choice about something, do you tell them one thing when you feel the opposite, bcuz you think that's what they want to hear, and what will make them happy and like you?

Here, I'll give an example:

Hostess: Have you ever tried bourbon before? It's really good, I want you to try some.

Me: (Not really wanting to have any alcohol, but wanting my hostess to like me as much as I like her) Um, okay!

Hostess: Great! (Orders the bourbon and watches me try it) What do you think?

Me: (Heavily sedated from effects of alcohol; plus it tasted bad) Um...good! Thank you!

Is this a defense you picked up when dealing with parents, teachers, therapists, peers, whatever when you were young and still use it, or is it something you only do once in awhile?

I think I gave that strategy a shot once. 1982 or something. Didn't do it for me.

I may sometimes give the response they clearly want, but not when booze is involved, or anything else I know won't work for me, like sugary carbs when my glucose is already high.

I will admit that making "no" stick got easier when I started going gray

Yeah, I do this sometimes. It's one of my workarounds. Everything goes easier. It's more an issue with friends, family, etc, not strangers. I don't really care if someone I don't know, likes me or not. As long as they don't take an active dislike towards me.

I say yes when people ask me to do something for them - like a specific task or something.

It's pretty draining and I need to stop being so accommodating.

In terms of alcohol, I wouldn't ever drink it because someone wanted me to, but for other things, especially when wanting to appear "normal" I have adjusted my responses and behaviour to relate with whoever I'm conversing with. It certainly feels alien, though, not genuine at all and after awhile can be quite exhausting.
I watch a lot of films & TV series, from a really young age, I think I have adopted certain acting qualities in order to come across as typical, or just "normal". It also makes me appear over dramatic and fake because all I'm doing is integrating a fake personality with my own that I learned from TV. Nowadays I try not to do this, but do it online more on forums full of NT, because otherwise I feel just like a fly on the wall.

If you agree with people, or say something to boost their ego a little bit, people seem to warm up to you more. It makes me feel sleazy, though, and makes me despise the other person, almost for being gullible and not being able to see through my false identity. It feels almost... Psychopathic.

I think I tend to weigh up the costs and benefits and go with the easiest option, though whether this is also the most prefered option depends on the situation. If a less prefered option will make the situation easier for me I will usually go with it, however if I am ok in the situation then I am more likely to lean towards prefered options. I think I am more concerned about keeping situations in a way that I can handle than in giving the other person reason to be happy/like me etc. at the moment. Giving the prefered option is something I did more when I was younger as that was how I thought I was supposed to be, however as I have gotten older I have become more focused on trying to end up in situations where I am calm/relaxed than in situations where I am trying to meet some idea of what is expected of me.

I'm the opposite. I'll usually do this with strangers in the interest of being polite. They're sort of patronizing me, so I'll return the favor.

With family members I'm more direct. Oftentimes they're not thrilled about it, but I feel they should know me well enough to know I don't need to "be polite" with them, in that sense. And I know them well enough that I shouldn't have to play that patronizing game.

Yes I've done a lot of that, although these days not with anything that matters much, because I don't like it as a way of behaving, I think it messes up social things. It's normal as far as I can tell (it does seem rather British doesn't it?), and it's very annoying because if somebody does it to me I can't tell whether they really wanted to accept with my invitation or whether they were just avoiding unpleasantness. So it gets hard to know the person and I don't want them to hide their negative side from me apart from breaking the truth to me reasonably gently.

I don't do that sort of thing. I prefer to stick with honesty, I find the cosy little lies too complicated, and to be honest, insulting.

Man I still get reminded of Fallout dialog options with things like this.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mMLSFVuZQE&t=55s[/youtube]

You know, I approach questions like that like he does, and for the longest time I thought there was nothing socially awkward about that. Oops. If that link doesn't work, start at 55 seconds.

I have a bad habit of saying 'yes' or something like 'later' or 'in a bit' (which implies yes) to parents' requests for me to do chores when I haven't actually processed what they're asking. Then, when they get mad at me for not doing the chores, I have no memory of them ever asking me to do the chore.

I don't think I do it much now but I think I did it some when I was younger, especially with therapists and people in authority.

I used to do this is a lot, I've got better at saying no over the years, but could still do a lot better. I still have a strong desire to please and not offend at any cost. This is a defence mechanism on my part.

I'm quite often neutral and do not object when I'd actually prefer not to do something, or prefer a different thing to happen.

However, I'm very firm on saying no to drugs and alcohol I don't want to have, or doing something that I think will leave me out of control, or put me in danger.

I'm pretty sure everyone does this to some extent. I'd never take it as far as your example though. Like, I'm a dishwasher, and sometimes when it's already hectic and busier than hell, one of the waitresses will ask me to wash the silverware or the cups(those tend to run out before anything else). Part of me wants to say "do you see my sink overflowing with dishes?!" But I know they need them done, so I just bite my tongue and give them a "fine," or "sure," both of which probably sound extremely sarcastic.

As for the example with the hostess, it sounds to me like you just fell for her suggestive sale. I HATE when people do that s**t to me. And I definitely wouldn't lie about disliking something like that. The only way I'd do that is if I just don't want to deal with the resulting pointless conversation about hurt feelings and whatnot after being honest. What I don't understand about people asking if you liked something or not, is it's a loaded question. They're looking for a "yes," most of the time. When I ask that question, I'm looking for honest criticism.

I hate confrontations and having people question my answers, so I think I do give a preferred response, but not normally if it is a direct lie. I allow myself to decieve but lying only happens if I'm under a lot of stress and can't remember the truth at the moment they ask the question. I also automatically answer certain questions with a static response that may indeed be preferred.

A friend once asked me if I knew I could tell her anything. I told her yes, though the truth was that I would never do so because being able to tell someone anything and having that actually be safe are two different things. Now, if she had asked me if I would feel safe telling her anything, I wouldn't have had an answer, since a no would get me into trouble.

When it comes to someone asking me how something tastes and I assume that their feelings are attached to the answer (even if they are not) I say it tastes ok, whether I liked it or not, because ok has different layers of meaning in my vocabulary. Just as when someone asks me how I'm feeling, I say ok, as long as one aspect of how I am is ok. I can be completely depressed and anxious but still answer ok as long as I'm physically ok. One of my friends told me this was lying. I still disagree.