hey brahs.
as a child my body always made me want to be soldier and i can hear in my ears a lot of the time the sounds of songs of war and battle, this isnt just when i have music on. theres sometimes a massive urge to shout out and recite speeches of battle. i enjoy the thrill of the fight on a paint ball field. when i was in boot camp i loved combat. i still do and i dont know am i pyscotic or is it my condition, i dont want the impulses, i just want to feel love and peace. even at college. i want to take the students on the paint balling places and see who would be able to challenge me. i also have another thing that confuses me.
my key worker and another female staff member, and another staff member they feel like brothers and sisters like when i was in the hood and now i become really attached i know i am supposed to keep my distance but i feel close to them. i have been able to let my barricades in my mind down to trust them because of an incident where they backed me up when a member of staff who was a bully to me got me to the point of ready to knock him out they stood up for me when i squared up to him and got in his face. they helped me and now they are really close. i hate the fact that the people in my hostel are on preperation for life course because as i see it and what people tell me. they feel im top dog in the place. i dont want that responsibility to behave and show how to behave i want to just do as i want to do. i hate the idea. i feel a leader is a manipulator of people. i am not a subordanate soul i respect authority but at the same time i dont let it walk all over me.
help me please my heads in a muddle.
brother devil
_________________
michael barley
80th regiment of foot.
we few, we happy few, we band of brothers for he who sheds his blood with me is my brother.
23 Nov 2006, 7:10 am
