Distrust of quiet individuals

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The other day I received a very odd comment while I was at work. I was in the back of the store, doing some work when a co-worker approaches me and starts talking to me.

Co-worker: "You're a bit a of a loner aren't you?"
Me: "Yeah."
Co-worker: "I've noticed that about you. You like to be by yourself."
Me: "Yeah."
Co-worker: "We don't have to worry about you coming in and shooting everyone do we?"

Shoot everyone? What? I was completely confused. This person thinks I might decide to kill everyone one day just because I'm quiet and keep to myself mostly? What kind of logic is that? This wasn't even the first time I've gotten this kind of comment. This happened at my previous job as well as in high school. I simply ignored these comments until now, since I'm starting to see a pattern.

Why do some people think being quiet is threatening? It makes no sense. I try to be as nice as possible when people talk to me and yet that doesn't seem to change anything. What is so wrong with being quiet?

Has anyone else received comments like this before?

Yes, and after that I make sure to talk at them about the history of assault weapons, especially my mild interest in Kalashnikovs. After that, they generally leave me alone!

That question sounds like an insult and lack of respect.

Most NT people's logic goes like this:

Loner = Different;
Different = Weird;
Weird = Dangerous!

If you're not a part of the herd, you are a potential risk.

Besides, there are lots of unjustified stereotypes about loners. In movies, the evil psychopatic killer is always a loner. The worker who snaps and starts shooting people is also usually a loner (or a bitter divorced man).

It's like a wall that has been erected before us. Can't tear it down, can't jump over it. You can only bang your head against it but that's always fruitless.

To play devil's advocate for a moment:

It's possible the co-worker was just being facetious. Maybe he was interested in getting to know you better, and was making a joke of sorts to see what kind of person you are. Perhaps this is a problem with taking things too literally.

Co-worker: "We don't have to worry about you coming in and shooting everyone do we?"
MY RESPONSE: "You'll have to wait and see." (with a smile)

Of course, you'd have to be able to somewhat judge if he was being facetious and testing the waters, or if he was being nasty and trying to put you down. Even if he didn't think you were literally a mass killer, if he didn't like you, it was his way of saying "you're a weirdo." However, if he was testing the waters and trying to figure you out, I think my response would be good.

It's strange, since you hear of so many "normal" people who turn out to be serial murderers.

Because in the past, kids who have done school shootings were quit kids and outcasts and kept to themselves. Now some people think those who are quiet and kept to themselves will do a shooting too.

Clearly they didn't really think there was much of a risk that you were a mass murderer, otherwise they wouldn't have asked. I'd have taken it as a light-hearted joke if they's seemed at all warm when they said it. And at least they shared the joke with you instead of just laughing at you behind your back. On the other hand, there's many a true word spoken in jest, and I thnk the joke might well have been based on real feelings, although the joke exagerrated things like jokes often do.

No matter now harmless a person is, if they're very quiet then I think the rest of the group will become suspicious of them. They often feel more at ease with somebody who has a few known faults than somebody who has shown no faults but remains mysterious........they fear the unknown. They want you to join in so that they can evaluate you. So in a way they've given you an invitation, though it was rather an indirect one. Of course you might not want to immerse yourself in the group, but if I were you I'd give serious thought to revealing a bit about yourself to them, to performing one or two of their quaint rituals with them, just enough to let them know you're human and relatively harmless. I think one of the problems NTs often have is that they find it very difficult to grasp that just because somebody doesn't want to join their group doesn't mean that there's anything wrong..........insecurity gets everwhere. So my advice would be to let them familiarise themselves with you for a while.

I take George Carlin's view on the subject:

Some responses, you'll wanna select based on what the general tone and attitude of the person asking was:

Ask them what they're smoking and if you can have some (Neutral to antagonistic). I think this works cause it tends to catch people off-guard: Suddenly THEY'RE the one who's acting strange, asking such a ridiculous question all of a sudden.

Ask them if you need to worry about THEM coming in and shooting everyone (Neutral to antagonistic). This one is easy to lead into calling them out on being prejudice and tends to immediately put them on the defensive, which is what you always want when someone's trying to take the piss.

Joke about your gun collection (Neutral to positive). This one can make you seem like you've got a sense of humor and that even though you might not talk much, you're not some spooky ogre and can be a friendly guy. If they start acting awkward or getting antagonistic while you're doing so, laugh and say "I'm just messing with you for asking such a silly/ridiculous question". Silly is more playful and less aggressive, ridiculous for more of a jab.

"You're a bit of a loner aren't you.....? That's kinda creepy, we aren't gonna have to worry about you shooting everyone are we?" "What? I'm not a loner! I've got all KINDS of friends at the gun club! In fact, I'm a pretty big fan of shotguns myself."

Respond fairly honestly "You guys are alright, just not quite my social circle". This will put them at ease, and allow you to continue being Mr. Loner without seeming creepy.

Actually, this was the running gag when I worked at the Wendy's here in Laramie. It upset me at first but after a while I realized that they really didn't mean anything by it. After that I began laughing with them all.

I had some anger issues (it's what eventually ended up getting me fired) and I think that's what they were thinking of when it was first mentioned. But to be honest I'm not the kind of person that would pull something like that. For one I may be a gun nut but I'm also a gun safety nut. For two, I'm quick to anger but just as quick to forgive. Even if someone royally pissed me off to the point where I FELT like going postal, if I were to actually take the time to go home and get some ammo clips together, by the time I was ready for my shooting I would have forgotten why I wanted to shoot the place up to begin with, and even if I did remember I'd probably no longer give a damn.

When people say that stuff, it's hard to judge their intent without seeing thier face and the tone that they are using. I work in IT, I am NT but most of us are a little different. These are the types of jokes we run with each other, when we decided to talk to each other. Most times, we are engrossed in our work, hovering over our PC so when we finally get around to joking, it's actually very funny.

In that situation, I would probably tell him I would give him a 30 sec head start to get out of the building or do it on a Thursday so he can get a 3 day weekend. I wouldn't think too much about it. I would try and make a point of saying a few words to your co-work everyday. Hopefully it will get easier over time.

Another way to view this is, in the absense of any conversation they can't tell what you are like, for all they *know* you *could* be a serial killer. I'm sure this was mean't as a joke to start a conversation or to test your sense of humour.

Jason

The quiet loner stereotype is a load of baloney. The media makes a big deal out of someone's introversion when it's present.

No deal is made about it when the killer happens to be an extreme extrovert, which is often the case. We had one here not long ago who chopped some guy up and mailed body parts to the federal political parties and some other people, selected at random it seems. He wanted to be famous, he was a porn star and he signed up for all these reality shows and model contests and all sorts of stuff like that. Definately not an introvert, a serious attention whore. Luka Magnotta.