My Crumbling AS/NT Marriage

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I've written before about how badly I want to save my marriage because of how much I love my husband and how badly we want to be the best parents to our fourteen month old daughter. I've ordered so many books, found a therapist that specializes and talked to my husband about working together to learn to communicate. This all came about because he spent three nights in a row in May telling me every single thing he hates about me. He's been heartless since and sexually aggressive on a few occasions, which is extremely rare. I assumed this was also because he decided to do a ten week cycle of steroids against my wishes. I keep thinking that we can tackle this when he is done with his cycle since it makes him so intense.

He went out of town on Saturday, but before he left he picked apart the grammar in a sentence I used and made me realize that there may be more. He was extremely paranoid about something I said in regard to my thoughts on fidelity. I pulled his cell phone records and there it was... He has been texting another woman since around the same time he became so upset with me. I happen to know he has a very high regard for this woman and is extremely attracted to her. He brought her up over a year ago and when our daughter was a newborn we happened to run into her and her husband and it was awkward to say the least. She had no desire to meet me or make any comments about our baby, which I thought was weird. A few months after that they happened to be at a conference together and he went on to talk about how smart she is, how beautiful, not like most women he has met and all the guys there wanted to have sex with her. I asked him if they were having an affair and he said they weren't. They no longer work for the same firm and have no reason to be in contact. They text every other morning or so after I leave for work until around lunchtime, when I assume they may be meeting. They have phone conversations when I'm out of town and they were texting this weekend while he was out of town on a Sunday morning. She is married with a child as well.

I am beside myself. He doesn't have sex with me very often. I thought this was something I would have to come to terms with in an AS/NT marriage, yet here I find he is seeking out another woman for what? Emotional support?

I also confronted two friends who had been acting strange about a trip we all took two years ago. I said I had reason to believe my husband may be cheating and it was time they came clean. They both told me that while he was with them for the Bachelor party he asked to be taken to a whore house where he was dropped off and remained for an hour.

Can someone with AS please explain this behavior to me? Are there AS males that do pursue sex outside of their sexless marriages?

I know I have to confront this, but I'm scared. He can be extremely volatile and with our daughter I really want to make sure we handle what now seems to be our impending divorce amicably. Is that even possible?

Until the end of your post, I thought you were the aspie. Does your husband have an official Dx? If he's AS, there must be some comorbid conditions he has. I've never met an aspie like that before.

I am worried for you by what I read here and in a couple of your other posts. While it is certainly possible that your husband has Asperger's that is not the only component to someone's behaviour and you've mentioned elsewhere that his parents had a dysfunctional relationship, which will have affected him.

Do you have family or friends nearby that you can stay with?

It seems that his behaviour has escalated through antagonism to violence, possibly exacerbated by the steroids. He also seems to be controlling (picking apart your grammar, for example) and uncaring about you and your reasonable needs. You now also know that he has visited prostitutes, and it seems that he may be having an affair. I'm really sorry, but there is much, much more to this than autism, and if you confront him, even by speaking calmly and lovingly, then you may be putting yourself at risk of harm.

It may be that the best, and safest course of action would be for you and your daughter to find a safe place to stay, with others close to you, and only attempt to discuss the future of your relationship once you are in that safe space.

I'd also recommend that you speak to any local support groups in your area which help women in abusive relationships, which is what this is.

Be strong, take care of yourself and your daughter.

Yeah. I got the same impression; had to re-read to get the full picture. His behavior is really not typical of an Aspie. The typically socially clumsy Aspie would have a LOT of difficulty trying to start an affair with someone without it being painfully obvious. We're just not good at lying. I mean, we do lie; but we suck at it and most of us just stop trying after a while. Aspies are also generally really unsettled by new, unfamiliar situations and new, unfamiliar people--going to a "whorehouse" would be an extremely unlikely thing for someone with social skills deficits to do, especially asking friends to drop you off there.

If your husband has AS, it's probably extremely mild, to the point that it should no longer cause significant social impairment. In other words: His social skills are probably low-normal, at the very least. He can successfully lie. He can successfully negotiate a tricky social situation like buying services from a prostitute. He has multiple friends that are close enough to him that he can ask them to drop him off there.

This isn't autism; it's not Asperger's or any other kind of autism. It's just... look, if he has autism, it's a non-issue by this point. The kinds of things he's been doing are things that are way beyond the social abilities of most of us. Heck, I can't even go to a sit-down restaurant alone. I had to be taught how to use a bus. I can't reliably use the phone. And I'm not some kid just learning to negotiate the world; I'm nearly thirty.

Your husband is doing the things he's doing because he chose to do them. If he had autism, that would still be true; but from what you have said about his abilities in socializing, I seriously doubt that he has the sort of difficulties with social skills that someone diagnosable with Asperger's, or any other type of autism, tends to have.

That said: Many of us do have experiences with difficult marriages, including abusive ones. My own AS mom was stuck in a marriage with a sociopath for years. We've learned how to survive. I don't know if I'd call infidelity "abusive", but he's certainly not being nice to you. If you want support, we are willing to give it, in our own socially clumsy, blunt sort of way; your situation sounds very difficult, and I wish I could fix it--but I can't. So I can only say, stick around, hang out--we aren't going to push you away. Most of us have a history of being constantly pushed away, abused, ignored, mistreated; we hate it when that happens to anyone, autistic or NT.

Infidelity is psychologically abusive, and if he contracted a disease it's physically abusive, but I'd have found the other things more immediately concerning. I would take Marcia's advice and do whatever you need to do to get out and be safe.

Last edited by Washi on 11 Jul 2012, 9:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think AS isn't really the problem, and your marriage sounds about screwed considering the infidelity (and you pulling cell records means there's about zero trust between you two on both ends.) I mean maybe in the beginning AS was the issue, and that may have initially caused the problems between you two, but at this point it seems whether or not he has Aspergers is water under the bridge.

I lift (more or less powerlifting/Olympic lifting, but not really at a very high level) and study this a bit (probably about the level of stereotypical AS special interest.) So I got a bit of input here...
What it could be is, because he took the steroids, he's probably going "all in" in his workouts, and what's happening is basically overtraining. What happens with overtraining is, you burn out your central nervous system, basically your brain. Your brain is pretty much what controls your strength if you will, that's how 120lb women can lift cars up. But what happens is, when you give a higher than normal training load, your brain wants your body to stop it, as you're stressing it out and have the potential to damage it. So thus, you end up depressed. So a lot of "roid rage" and whatever I think is mostly due to that. It's because people coincidentally up their training load, because they're on steroids and don't want the steroids going to waste. Me personally, I've had good luck with adaptogens as far as keeping my mental state good, ginseng, rhodiola rosea, astragalus, all cheap herbs.

I'm sure that info probably isn't that useful to you, but that's what I'm guessing is happening. Also, I feel like for most people, steroids is just trying to take a shortcut. Most people don't maximize the amount of sleep they get, their nutrition, etc, then they take steroids when they stop making gains (either strength or muscles, depending on what they're looking for) or start feeling the effects of overtraining. Again, you might not really care about these technicalities and are probably just thinking "So what, my husband has been a douche" but yeah. To a point, steroids could actually be positive to him, my friend when he did a small cycle, he said he was more outgoing and confident, though more argumentative (ie, he'd argue intellectually with people more just because he could.) But I've heard them described as, if you're a douche off steroids, you'll be a bigger douche on steroids, and if you're nice off steroids, you'll be nicer on steroids, sorta just more "you" if that makes sense.

Anyway, I figure your marriage is about screwed. I can't help you with that at all.

THIS.

I dont see what aspergers has to do with any of your issues.

But your marriage certainly has alot of serious issues!

Get some professional counselling.

Using steriods can make someone volatile and agressive. I have seen that firsthand with a family member who took steroids for emphysema.

So that probably is relevent to your problems.

Get angry, ApplesOranges, and kick him to the curb. Stat!

If he is willing to tell you to your face that he hates you, is willing to withhold intimacy or hurt you sexually, is willing to ridicule you for the smallest of things, is willing to lie by resorting to subterfuge, then he does not cherish, respect or honor you.

And his being obsessed with this other woman ... Aspies are known for sharing their obsessions with anyone and everyone. If he is being quiet about her, then he knows full well he is cheating on you and going against social norms by doing it.

Thanks all. I am starting to wonder if it isn't more Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but can't get over how there is no gray for him in comparison with AS. He is so logical and told me he thinks the social aspect is learned since he's in finance and has to convince people to invest in the portfolios he constructs.

Exactly what is happening in our marriage happened in his parents. His father was a CFO for a large company and quite brilliant with no social skills. He verbally abused his wife, cheated on her and she left him. She has never remarried and is very bitter toward men. Meanwhile, dad is on fourth marriage (they've been together 15+ years), but super duper sweet since he lost his entire family. My husband refused to talk to him for YEARS so he went through intense therapy and is now a very loving part of our lives. He says the most socially inappropriate things at times, but is a wonderful man. Even his ex-wife has said she wishes he'd have gone through that therapy because she's alone now and when she sees him it hurts because he's now the husband she wish she had.

My husband is extremely attractive, very fit and muscular. He has always gotten female attention without pursuing. Women are always flirting with him even in front of me. I actually pursued him. He was handsome, intelligent, etc. He has told me that he has never had to ask a girl out or initiate kissing or sex in his previous relationships. He was also molested from the age of 5 by a babysitter. Another babysitter had sex with him when he was 13. His parents do not know.

With that said, I don't know that I'm trying to make excuses for him, but I'm clearly devastated and I guess I wish that it was something that I could explain away. I have so many conflicted emotions that I'm just reeling. I just keep thinking of our little girl and every time I look at her I start crying. I realize this is extremely unhealthy and yes, I am scared to tell him that I know which in itself is sad. One of my girlfriends came over last night (he's out of town still) and very sweetly told me she thinks we're in an extremely abusive relationship and it has happened so slowly that I am confused. She sent me a bunch of links and wow, I'm shocked. I am so broken. I have no family here, but I have wonderful friends. I also know that if I take off with our daughter he will consider it an act of war and I have no idea what will happen. I think I may need to ask his father to be at the house with me and have a girlfriend watch our daughter when I tell him that I know and that he needs to move out. The other really crappy thing is that I make double what he makes and we have a lot of property together. It will be very ugly.

There are other things besides Asperger's which have the "no gray", black and white thinking.
Borderline Personality Disorder, for example.

I agree that he does not sound like like someone on the spectrum, but it doesn't really matter.
You have way bigger issues going on.

If you have a way to get out, do it.

It's sad he had a messed up childhood, but if there are this many problems and concerns, you know things are not going to get better. You have a kid. You have to do the right thing for her. You have to put her in a safe and stable environment, or she'll grow up with issues too.

[quote="It's sad he had a messed up childhood, but if there are this many problems and concerns, you know things are not going to get better. You have a kid. You have to do the right thing for her. You have to put her in a safe and stable environment, or she'll grow up with issues too.[/quote]

Wow, this kind of kicked me in the chest. I keep thinking I want to do right by my daughter. He loves her so much that I can't imagine him hurting her, but then again.... he used to love me so much too.

He doesn't have to do anything to your kid to cause issues - growing up in a household where your two most important role models, the ones that are supposed to be your model for how adults love one another, have a toxic, damaging, abusive relationship ... that will cause issues all by itself.

Exactly.

Your husband is repeating the role of his father.

Your daughter can one day think-- Hmm, I'm in a bad relationship, so I'd better get out because that's what my mom did! Or, she'll think-- Hmm, I'm in a bad relationship, but I guess this is what I deserve, I mean, my mom was in a bad relationship for years, so if she acted that way, I guess that's what I should do.

That. And/or more subtle things like "men/women are evil", "staying together is more important than being healthy and happy", "I should put myself second if I want to be loved", "people can't really be happy together", etc etc etc ad nauseum.

It's over.

Call travel agent asap.