"Others have it worse than you do"

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Growing up, whenever I felt bad about my own crappy situation, someone would inevitably tell me, "Just think, though--others certainly have it worse than you do!" At first, I didn't know what they were talking about specifically since I was a child with limited exposure to the world yet, but the thought that my situation was not the worst did the opposite of cheering me up even then. I would feel worse, not about my reaction to my own situation, but about the fact that other people are feeling just as bad if not worse than I am... and I'd also realize that many of them are coping better than I am, so I'd also get angry at my inability to cope like they do, then thinking my situation really must be worse since they can cope and I can't. And the cycle of anger and sadness would just grow.

Because of this oft repeated message, I now end up thinking about all the people who have it worse than me whenever something really goes wrong for me or I think things are unfair. And it still makes me angry because I realize how flawed the world is and how blind people are about it most of the time. It's worse now because I have the Internet and end up looking up stats like how many people are hungry right now and realizing that I can't do anything about it. Even if we did feed everyone somehow, everyone would just reproduce more thinking the supply is endless, and then more people would end up starving again. So, then, I realize how entirely screwed up life is... and that doesn't make me feel better.

Don't tell people that "Others have it worse." That's not a good thing to think about when you're upset.

I know what you mean....I mean it really is not a helpful thing to say. I mean others can have it worse and all but that does not you know reduce my pain any. It just makes me feel bad like they are trying to tell me I'm being stupid or selfish because others have it worse so I should just be able to not have my issues or at least not say anything about them. So it is very frustrating when people say that.

I always found it a stupid thing to say. To me, it's like saying "instead of being so sad, you should just be happy that an asteroid has never fallen on your head." It is equally absurd. A problem is not made less severe by the severity of someone else's issue or your lack of another issue. You still have to deal with what is put on your plate and the emotions that come along with it. Yes, if you are sad because McDonalds gave you stale fries with your lunch and the person next to you is suffering from a gunshot wound then your situation is rather trivial and the greater need is to attend to the other person's issue. However, when it is a far more abstract idea, it can't have the same impact. Sure, someone is starving in (insert place with starving people here), but does that really make you more happy about the plate of ramen in front of you? Of course it doesn't!

You have taken the words right from my head- all three of you.

Now, if someone could tell me something tangible... like, "yeah, I've been having a tough time lately, too, but it's getting better." Or even "I understand--life is frustrating sometimes. Take your time with it." Unfortunately, I tend to appear as if I am overreacting any time I react to anything, and even if I'm probably going to get over it soon, people tend to scold me for it.

At every level of conflict in life, I think that's what we need most, though. Time and hope.

When things seem too hard, I sometimes imagine what it was like in a concentration camp, or in famine, or in the trenches of WW1 ... and I remember that people survived those things.

For me, it isn't a question of being made "happy" about whatever it is I have to do. "Happy" is not the intent when I do this. It is a question of feeling like it can be accomplished if I try. Even though I might be weaker than the guy who survived a concentration camp and went on to live a normal life ... I'm not so much weaker that getting through the day could be harder for me than it was for him to get through each day, when he was there. That means, I can do it, if I want to.

Maybe it's different when someone is trying to force this mental technique on you, rather than doing it for yourself, or maybe some of you are misconstruing the purpose as having something to do with "happiness", but I can't agree that it isn't a useful technique.

I suspect that "others have it worse" means the person thinks the problem is just in your head. But instead of saying that, they are trying to guide you into changing your perspective so that you see that your problems aren't so bad.

Or maybe they are truly bizarre and actually believe there is a finite amount of suffering in the world at one time, in which case others being worse off than you could actually make you feel better. /shrug

Agreed. Useless. Condescending. We all get our turn being deceased, then we can say, if we could say, now we got it worse. In the meantime, for this lifetime, say something new.

I only tell people this if I think they are being over dramatic and acting like spoiled brats and acting like their problems are the worst thing ever and better than anyone else and don't care about other peoples problems and act like theirs is not bad even if it was truly worse than theirs because they never got something bad they got or never had something happen to them that happened to them. That complex those people have is so annoying.


Honestly I tell myself this all the time and sometimes I think to myself "Oh for crying out loud, I have been thinking I am so poor but there are people who are actually so poor they don't get this or that or they go through this or that and we don't because we are not that poor. I will never complain again about being poor and having no money." I honestly didn't even know what poor was until I read that one article about the poor paying more than the rich. But I still feel poor sometimes because of my anxiety and money obsession so I act poor because I do truly think that. But I understand why people get irritated when they hear someone complain about their problems and it's only minor compared to theirs. Like a poor person may get irritated when they hear someone complain about being broke because they can't get their nails done at the saloon and they have all their bills paid and they still have everything and didn't have to juggle bills and can still have food on the table everyday for three meals a day and everyone can eat than go hungry so their kids can eat.

My parents used to tell me how i could have something worse than Asperger's like I could be crippled or have Down's syndrome or be like my aunt who is a schizophrenic. I know their intent was to make me feel better because I know they would never tell me to shut up about me being upset about having AS. I even notice that in children shows like the Bearenstein bears about how to count your blessings by focusing on what you've got and the positives than the negatives. Even when I was a kid, I was learning about positive thinking and no negative thinking and think positioned and not focus on the negative. I am sure parents teach their kids this stuff too so we all grow up thinking like this and then go telling other people "it could be worse." I still have that drilled into me.

The reason that this is a stupid thing to say is that people "calibrate" themselves to their environment. Yeah, if I were a starving kid in Africa, my problems would be worse. But would they feel worse?

On the other hand, when I have missed an opportunity, it makes me feel better to notice that I am in the same position I would be in if the opportunity never happened. And for most people, such opportunities really don't ever happen!

Most of the time, those people have no idea what they're on about. They have no idea what the situation is like at all.

Yesterday when I told my mum I'll probably have some sort of meltdown soon due to all my anxiety and what I think is depression etc, she said "well, at least you haven't got cancer or another deadly disease like some other people, be grateful for that." What am I supposed to do with that? Sure, it's true there are people who are worse off than I am, but I cannot imagine what it's like having cancer or something. I only know what I feel, and I don't feel good at all. And then, on top of that, I start thinking that maybe I am ungrateful and maybe I'm complaining too much. Am I supposed to feel ashamed? Am I supposed to feel happy about my life situation all of a sudden? I don't know what to do with that comment. What did she mean?

I also don't like it when people say things like "just be positive, stop thinking so much" or "oh don't worry, I worry sometimes too." What? As if it was that easy.

You are correct in that they are attempting to point out to the individual that their problems aren't that bad, however they are not qualified to make that judgement. If a person mentions a problem they are dealing with then it's safe to assume it is seriously adversely affecting them.

Additionally, though they likely don't realize it, they are implying that one should just accept their problems, because, things could be worse. However, if people never took issue with problems then humanity would not progress and standards of living would remain stagnant, and rather low. This is one reason India will not rise out of poverty much more than it has, any time soon. In India many of the poor accept their low standard of living as their destiny. They believe nothing can be done about it and that is indeed how the universe has decided they are to live their life. They perpetuate their own problems with their mentality. In China, however, this is not the case, and we are starting to see Chinese people demand higher standards of living.

After I had my appendix taken out (1964) there was an unexplained complication and I felt so ill that I couldn't eat. One of the nurses told me that there were lots of starving people around the world who would give all they had to eat my plate of food. I told her she'd best send it to them, but she countered with something about that not being feasible, and somehow figured she'd won the argument. The presumptuous idiot thought I was just being awkward.

Of course that example is meshed with the problem of an invisible source of pain. The general idea of helping somebody put a problem into context is sometimes good. If I'm worrying too much about a problem, I need somebody to talk me down, to remind me of the problem's limited potential to harm me.

What seems to go wrong is that it often gets picked up as invalidation....sometimes that's exactly what it is, other times it's not. In particular, I've sometimes annoyed people (one in particular) by telling them of a similar experience when they've told me of something bad they've been through. My intentions were only to reassure them that my own experiences meant that I knew where they were coming from and could feel empathy for their predicament. If I'd meant to belittle their feelings, I'd have started with a phrase such as "Pooh! That's nothing!" But with some people, I don't have to.......that phrase is simply assumed.

If somebody is worse off than I am, being told that usually just makes me more upset. Before I've been told, I'm simply in pain. After I've been told, I'm still in just as much pain, I know of somebody else who is in pain too, and there's an insinuation going down that people can ignore my pain as long as they can find somebody worse off than I am.

That's what I used to say when I was a kid if anyone said anything like that to me.

I bet the same nurse wouldn't want the same type of thing said to her if she was out on strike for better working conditions. She wouldn't want you bringing up sweatshops where people are slaving away in horrible conditions for 20+ hours a day and making $3 a month.

That is pretty much like saying "stfu, I don't want to hear your stupid complaints." Maybe it's not if you are whining about something really trivial.

When I hear "Others have it worse"
I hear "Your problems don't even matter so stop whining you insolent little scumbag"