Is this example over-reading the non-verbal?

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I used to have a friend, then he distanced a few years ago, I never heard from him again, and I remained in touch with his mother.

A few days ago, she announced she's coming to my country and would I meet her, maybe take her around a bit. I very happily agreed but told her to change the dates of the trip because it's a holiday here and everything will be closed, she won't be able to see hardly anything. (She's elderly, she's coming from her far-away country and she's a person of very modest means, this trip is a life dream). She said she's coming with her son (my ex friend) and he can't make it on another date. I insisted that they should change the dates because the trip will be pointless with everything closed, but she said nothing could be done and that was it, so I dropped it.

Yesterday I received an email from the ex friend, a few lines telling me a tiny bit about his life and that he's happy we'll meet. He also said it's a pity they're coming when everything will be closed but nothing could be done and he's optimistic things will turn out right.

I automatically saw this as an opportunity to try to persuade him to change the dates (for the sake of his mother) so I wrote him a very long and detailed email explaining why it'd be useless to come on those dates.

A short time after I hit send, though, it occurred to me that his email may have been a veiled request from him to drop the issue, not mention it to his mother anymore, so as not to spoil HIS plans. (By the way, if this is so, then I reacted exactly the way he was (non-verbally) asking me not to, so it must have made him furious, seeing me as purposefully ignoring/overriding his wishes/needs. My suspicion is made stronger by the fact that he didn't answer my email. Am I over-reading the non-verbal?

Hmm. Getting opinions from people who probably have the same issue could be a bit risky. Here is mine, anyway. I think your second reasoning is the right one. I'm not sure what to do about it, though. Maybe sending an e-mail expressing your kind invitation and some kind of recommendation for the programme whould help.

Once you've explained your opinion to people and they still stick to their original plans, it's time to drop the subject. This is their trip, not yours. You've explained the facts and they made an informed decision. Continuing to discuss the issue can make them uncomfortable and it's a bit aggravating for people. I wouldn't be surprised if your second email did come across as pushy and it might have been a bit annoying for your friend.

Yes, I know all that, but actually what I'm asking is whether I'm reading too much into the intention of his email.

I can only repeat myself that you probably have it right without 'over-reading the non-verbal' (which is verbal but it's between the lines). What you do is persevering on it, which is more 'over-thinking' than 'over-reading'. It's understandable, though, as you've sent your reply without realizing his motivations first, inadvertently making things worse.

If I understood you correctly: you think that the reason he wrote me was to (non-verbally) ask me not to mention the issue anymore?

It's impossible to know what was his intention from what you told us he wrote. I doubt that even NTs would do a better job at it.

Maybe his intention was just to say hello to you, tell you what had happened to him during the years you lost contact with each other and express his desire to meet up with you. Who knows? That's what he wrote, after all. Anything else is guesswork.

Yes, you've probably been too pushy. If they took this decision, then it's theirs to take. Probably telling you that he's sorry he couldn't make it on another date was his way of telling you that he actually couldn't come on any other date.

I don't know, my Aspie mind doesn't see any hidden meaning in what he wrote (then again, an NT mind might see different), but I can suspect he got annoyed by your insisting on the issue even after he told you he can't come on any other date.

Your best bet: send an e-mail and say that you apologize in case you have been too pushy; tell him you are glad to meet up with him and his mother when they do come. That's what I'd do.

_________________
Probably 75% Aspie, 25% NT... and 100% ADHD

Aspie-quiz results:
Aspie score: 138 of 200 / NT score: 78 of 200 => Very likely an Aspie.

This is completely unrelated but you left out the second parenthesis.
I don't know. I would have reacted the same way you did. It all depends on you. How badly do you miss nonverbal cues?

If it really could not be changed, then it may be you were making his mother worry to no avail and it was an attempt to get you to drop the subject, especially if you hadn't otherwise heard from him in a long time. Maybe it was his way of confirming what his mother said about being unable to change the plans. But I don't know, I'm just guessing from what I can see of the context here. It sounds like maybe you were so focused on the idea of getting them to change the plans you didn't register that it wasn't possible?

OJani, thank you. Yes I know we can't be sure either way, of course. Actually I didn't want to make the question too complex, but I should've phrased it like this:

If I understood you correctly: you believe it's not unreasonable to think that the reason he wrote me was to (non-verbally) ask me not to mention the issue anymore?

I'm just amazed at how non-verbal NTs can be. This guy, for one, is someone I'm nowadays glad I'm not in touch with anymore, he's incredible hard for aspies with all that non-verbal code!

I wonder if it was anything to do with the length of the message you sent him? Just that I've often found that if I send a very long message, sometimes the other person just cuts me dead.....I presume they're too busy to invest enough time to read it all, and then of course they wouldn't know how to reply. So I've become quite wary of sending too much in one go. Though NTs are supposed to be good at speed-reading (missing most of it out but somehow capturing the gist of what's been said).

In this case I'd probably have just said what I thought in a few words, maybe repeated the warning a second time, and let it go at that. It does seem odd that they don't want to look around, but maybe it's simply the only time one of them is free. Or there could be a subtext of some sort, particularly if you and your male friend ever had any romantic feelings for each other.

I suspect you're worrying too much, though I think you're right to flag their decision as a tad strange. I find it difficult to drop anything I don't understand, though I don't know if that's an Aspie thing or just my curious mind. I'd probably be asking myself "what do I know from the past about how these people do things?" in the hope of finding a natural explanation for the mystery. And I'd be looking forward to meeting them and finding out first-hand whether there's another agenda going on, or whether it's nothing of any importance.

Ok, this is off-topic, but so many here have addressed this part, that I will relate to it, even if it's not what I'm asking.

I do suspect there's a hidden agenda, and a nasty one from the son towards the mother. That's why I'm very pissed at him, even beyond the fact that he was a nasty friend to me way back when. I suspect he's taking his own interests into account only, and making his mother part with her very little money on an illusion of a trip that will give very little to her. She's recently widowed, and the son (again, my suspicion) thinks he can kill 2 birds of one shot: get to do his own thing here with his friends, while taking the mom out to distract herself and so "fulfill his duty" as a son and gain points with her. On top of things, they're counting on it that I'll take them around, and I feel it's very rude to tell me "nothing can be done about the dates" when he knows that on those dates I'll have to make huge efforts and waste enormeous energy and money to be able to take them around even a bit, because you could say the country is closed down that week and, again, they know it from my extensive and detailed emails.

I'm so angry now that I don't even care if I made a ToM mistake with my answer. But I AM curious as to whether this was a ToM mistake, just for my own personal knowledge.

Edited to add:
It's also incredibly rude of him not to answer me, because in my email I also offered all my support if they decide to come on those dates anyway, and I even offered to book them a hotel in a town that's not closed down that week (the only one in the country, and the most important one for tourists to visit). I told them to let me know urgently, because the place fills out very fast and it'll be a nightmare for me to find rooms there for them if they decide to take the idea. Some people do this to me, they let me know too late and then I spend days on the phone begging for rooms in the hotels. This is soooo unfair and inconsiderate, that if they ever write me again and take me up on the idea of the hotel, I'll just ignore the email and forget about them. I don't get anything for all the trouble, that's for sure.

Think the emails saying he's happy in general (supplied info as your interested in his life) he's looking forward to meeting up with you again. He shows he listened to what you said but couldn't change it. I'd say he booked the trip for them so will blame himself for getting it wrong for him and especially his mom (he probably would have changed the dates if he could) and wouldn't appreciate the second email as the dates cant be changed and he'd feel like your rubbing it in and reinforcing his own feelings that he messed up.

Do a little research into what they can do during there visit on the dates there visiting, put the info in a email. A quick 'soz, didn't mean to go on..' if it feels right. Add a bit near the end saying 'looking forward to doing/going to x with you' (X is something you know he enjoys preferably you both do) to show that you want to be around him, have things in common and that you know what he likes. End in a positive like can't wait to see you guys and I know your mom will have a great holiday, see you soon.

Maybe I'm just more self-centred than you, but for me it would be a case of "on their heads be it." I'd make what I felt was a reasonable effort to find something for them to do, but with definite limits.......if they got fed up sitting around the house and going on little walks etc., well they brought it on themselves. Responsibility for guests is important but there are limits, and I'd say don't set yourself up for being used.

TD, I feel that they were too inconsiderate of MY needs so I don't feel like making any efforts at all for them now. At the very least, they could've said something like "if you can't join or help us because of the very difficult dates, we will understand", (let alone "what would you like us to bring you from here?", God forbid).