whatever it is I choose to do, I do with a much deeper depth than most people I meet. However, I can only do this when it is somewhat subconscious. I'd assume this is what life is like for most people here...a struggle to live in this planet while living in our own.
It's a long story, but I'm currently living in Taos, NM, in some program designed to teach late teens to early 20s life skills and responsibility, mostly for drug addicts. I do not happen to be an addict, and sometimes wonder if this program really knows how to help me or not. They are encouraging me to keep a "light heart" about life, the negativity comes out a lot. I'm of course, not negative by nature.
4 months ago, I was stuck on a "ranch", with very little to do. Nobody played chess, there was no access to the internet, pretty much physical stuff was all I had to occupy my time. So I started shooting hoops....I came in with one of the worst shots out of anybody. Nobody really thought I'd get good. I spent a lot of time practicing the shot...visualizing the arc, the spin, coordinating every little bit. This went on for a month or so. I still couldn't perform well in the game, it was too hard to ignore the energy of those I played with. A couple of nights later, I was awake at 4 - 5 AM. I went to the court and began to shoot. I still felt like I was dreaming...no social pressure.....no worries. Just me and my world. I'd say I shot atleast 100 times, and atleast 75 of them were swishes. I felt so peaceful. I went back to the main place where people sleep, at about 7, and it all dissapeared. The anxiety came back....being with a bunch of immature men, it was even harder, people with their small talk about such pointless things. It was very scary. And it angered me so much. This is more or less where the root of my negativity lies. I can't stand the cockiness of NTs. They don't understand my depth.
There is one person in particular, that really got under my skin. His name is Kevin, and he is 23 years old. He acts like a 12 year old though...he was a bully in school. I was so angered, he did whatever he could to bring me down. And if it wasn't me, it had to be somebody. When he played basketball, it was obvious that there was no calculation to his shot. No spin...no arc....yet, I was never able to be peaceful enough to calculate while around his personal frustration.
I am currently living in the town of Taos, not stuck in the ranch, yet still in the program. I never see him, but it is still hard to let go of my contempt. I already know this is my biggest downfall..and one of the main issues that led me here. I can't even function when I'm filled with such poisonous thoughts. They tell me to keep a light heart...that it would be growth if I was able to put things in perspective, and find it in myself to deal with the root emotion that caused the anger. But I can't help but wonder, in this process will I lose anything? Is it truly possibly to maintain that kind of peace while living in the NT world?
edit : nvm...this is just my own immature need for acceptance. I should have thought more before posting.
26 Nov 2006, 2:35 pm
