How to encourage a quiet person with ASD to talk?

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MathGirl
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16 Jul 2012, 4:52 pm

There was this quiet boy at the camp I volunteer with. I asked him a few questions about his interests and what he wants to do, but he didn't say anything. Then I stopped with the pestering and opened up a newspaper, which we looked at together.

However, today, I found out from another volunteer who knows him about what his interests actually are. She told me she once got him to talk about his interest for 10 minutes straight. I'm thinking that I could find a game related to his interest that we both can enjoy, but again, it's difficult when the person doesn't tell me about their interests. I've seen someone here say that they don't like it when people just come up to them and ask them what their interest is.

What are some alternate strategies you can recommend for finding out someone's interest? I want to ask as few questions as possible, because I know they can be pressuring and invasive.

Thanks! :D


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16 Jul 2012, 5:15 pm

From my own perspective, people trying to find out stuff about me get be very little information, I am not keen on talking with people, I would rather listen or do stuff with people. Looking at the newspaper together sounds like it was a good idea. If you now know what his interests are, I would suggest just doing something related to the interests, he might then choose to open up a bit. Otherwise i'd suggest just be easy going and let him open up around you at his own pace.


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MathGirl
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16 Jul 2012, 5:32 pm

Okay. It's hard when the staff push me to ask the participant about his/her interests rather than tell me and let me go from there. Trying to explain something like this to the staff is difficult as it is something I intrinsically understand but is hard to convey in words without having it sound like an excuse.

Sometimes, there's also the lingering doubt that me being quiet might be boring for the participant and he/she would rather have me talk or do something but cannot get it out properly. I suppose there would be some indication, either non-verbal or verbal, but sometimes it's difficult to know.


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Ann2011
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16 Jul 2012, 6:19 pm

Now that you know what his interests are, figure out an activity that relates to them. Focusing on something other than him will make him more comfortable; he may then talk about his interest. Also, don't ask him directly about himself. I can never answer these kinds of questions, but when someone asks me about a topic I'm interested in, I can talk about that.



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16 Jul 2012, 6:26 pm

MathGirl wrote:
There was this quiet boy at the camp I volunteer with. I asked him a few questions about his interests and what he wants to do, but he didn't say anything. Then I stopped with the pestering and opened up a newspaper, which we looked at together.

However, today, I found out from another volunteer who knows him about what his interests actually are. She told me she once got him to talk about his interest for 10 minutes straight. I'm thinking that I could find a game related to his interest that we both can enjoy, but again, it's difficult when the person doesn't tell me about their interests. I've seen someone here say that they don't like it when people just come up to them and ask them what their interest is.

What are some alternate strategies you can recommend for finding out someone's interest? I want to ask as few questions as possible, because I know they can be pressuring and invasive.

Thanks! :D


Rather than trying to draw out conversation, why don't you try some games that require interaction. Quizzes or board games? Maybe card games? Something like this might help him more than trying to force him into a conversation. He may be quiet, but I doubt you really want a 10 minute monologue either.

Jason.



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16 Jul 2012, 6:50 pm

I now have a spider sense when people are trying to get into my head.

I was not always like this, till recently I willingly explored my mind with them, in the past.

Now I react by withdrawing from them or not really communicating with them


This recent reticence is due to the recent understanding that these people:

being in positions of authority ie therapists with a file on you

whom i observed to have illegitimate authority due to their low IQ levels, or poor understanding/respect for ASD's

and a propensity to foist harmful medications and damaging talk therapies on other poor unsuspecting aspie souls/customers

Your young man may be the same, I dont know

I think many of us who have been constantly disappointed by illegitimate authority... now have an innate disrespect for meddling busy bodies, even those who can and are willing to help us!

Its a bit like throwing out the baby with the bathwater, or becoming cynical and closed off

Which is probably a good thing when an aspie looks at the world today



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16 Jul 2012, 7:54 pm

If someone's trying hard to get me to "come out of my shell" and talk to them I tend to get annoyed and uncomfortable and want to talk even less.

One of my biggest pet peeves that aggravates the hell out of me is when someone says I need to talk more or comments that I'm too quiet. :evil:


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16 Jul 2012, 8:20 pm

I would just like to point out that I'm quiet and most of the time I'm perfectly happy not talking or interacting.
People assuming that I really want to talk but am just shy and who try to "pull me out of my shell" really get on my nerves.


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16 Jul 2012, 8:25 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
I would just like to point out that I'm quiet and most of the time I'm perfectly happy not talking or interacting.
People assuming that I really want to talk but am just shy and who try to "pull me out of my shell" really get on my nerves.


Yeah, I was just gonna say, when I don't feel like talking or smiling or whatever, someone coming over to me and trying to tell me to talk or smile isn't likely to achieve what they want. Just either leave him alone or engage in activities that don't necessarily require talking. Let him be, and he'll come out of his shell when he's good and ready, if he ever does.



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16 Jul 2012, 8:44 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
I would just like to point out that I'm quiet and most of the time I'm perfectly happy not talking or interacting.
People assuming that I really want to talk but am just shy and who try to "pull me out of my shell" really get on my nerves.

Often I am happy just being around the other person, not necessarily needing to interact with them to like their company.

Also, regarding an earlier comment, things may not be indicated non-verbally, for example around some people I just do not use non-verbal communication, and they cannot read me.


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16 Jul 2012, 9:44 pm

Often I need to be put at ease with the person I'm keeping company with talking at length about a topic of mutual interest. Eventually I can't help myself and reciprocate. If you attempt this, it is important to me that the person seems genuinely enthused about the topic...if the bs detector trips off I close down.

Good luck in making a connection :)


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kraven
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17 Jul 2012, 9:48 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
I would just like to point out that I'm quiet and most of the time I'm perfectly happy not talking or interacting.
People assuming that I really want to talk but am just shy and who try to "pull me out of my shell" really get on my nerves.


This.

And I would just add that I find conversational relationships bloom over time. Small talk is like pulling teeth, but having a meaningful conversation is a whole other animal for me.
If you just wanted me to talk, to engage in idle chatter or to satisfy your need to "help" me, I'd probably withdraw too (unless you're a pasty skinned hot redhead girl). But, if you actually had some interest in knowing me, and really seemed genuine, I'd slowly speak to you.



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17 Jul 2012, 10:07 am

kraven wrote:
Who_Am_I wrote:
I would just like to point out that I'm quiet and most of the time I'm perfectly happy not talking or interacting.
People assuming that I really want to talk but am just shy and who try to "pull me out of my shell" really get on my nerves.


This.

And I would just add that I find conversational relationships bloom over time. Small talk is like pulling teeth, but having a meaningful conversation is a whole other animal for me.
If you just wanted me to talk, to engage in idle chatter or to satisfy your need to "help" me, I'd probably withdraw too (unless you're a pasty skinned hot redhead girl). But, if you actually had some interest in knowing me, and really seemed genuine, I'd slowly speak to you.


^This for me too. Except for the pasty skinned hot readhead thing...

On the fist day of a job I had once, the boss asked me if I was scared, because I wasn't talking to her. I replied "scared of what?" I wasn't talking to her because I had nothing to communicate, and it takes a lot of energy to get myself in the right cognitive mind-frame to have conversations I view as pointless (this is ringing bells, yes?) Yet I can really enjoy sitting in silence with someone while we're each doing our own thing.

Maybe once he's used to you he'll develop the energy to start talking - but, as others have said, maybe 'talking' is not what will make him happy at all. Maybe looking at that newspaper was the most fun he's had all week. Who knows? Wing it.


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17 Jul 2012, 10:51 am

People gotta ask me questions to get me to talk. I may open up more.


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kraven
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17 Jul 2012, 11:00 am

Nikkt wrote:
Maybe once he's used to you he'll develop the energy to start talking - but, as others have said, maybe 'talking' is not what will make him happy at all. Maybe looking at that newspaper was the most fun he's had all week. Who knows? Wing it.


I once had this cheesy prep cook job in a restaurant where everyone took to calling me "Dahmer" because they thought my silence indicated that I'm a serial killer (and I'm a big muscular guy). There was a really gregarious young gay guy who began talking to me, and he and I became fast friends. Then everyone started calling me "gay Dahmer" because I really only talked to the one guy and just grunted at everyone else.
The female servers were chatterboxes that drove me nuts with their incessant small talk and need for attention.

Our silence is usually not what people think it is.



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17 Jul 2012, 12:34 pm

Why not just let him be quiet?


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