Being accused of lying, making stuff up, exaggerating

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Is this also very frustrating to you? I mean, c'mon, I take everything literally and I mean what I say, so how can I be lying, exaggerating and making stuff up all the time!?!?!?!?

My mom insists that I'm over-dramatizing my condition and it's effect on my life. By which I mean that she thinks it's a matter of willpower or gumption or some old-folk (no offense intended) nonsensical ways that I keep losing job after job after job after job and keep failing out of college because of not being able to meet nonacademic challenges (like employment internships/externships, group projects, long assignments with no clear goal, etc.)....

What can I do to convince her!? I have already gotten myself on food stamps and am applying for everything my State can throw at me for benefits without a problem. They look at my report and look at me and go, okay here's what we can do for you and they HELP me! Without a third degree, and these people are paid! to help! and my mom adopted me, meaning she CHOSE me, along with my dad so is having autism somehow now WRONG!? WTF. I hate this. I don't want to go the looney bin route because that will screw over my reputation. I'm going to keep at getting on disability, since it's not just ASD that would qualify me medically. I'm not giving up man, I am giving IN! I will not torture myself further by doing what other people want. They're not me, they don't have to deal with a stress level that convinces you that you WANT TO DIE NOW every time you go out the front door....

Okay, /rant, thanks for reading, hope someone can relate!

Yeah I've gotten that to....I swear with my whole family if I 'acknowledge' the difficulties and limitations I have they just accuse me of exaggeratting, dwelling on it(my grandmother when I tried telling her about my PTSD...I had to leave the room) or making excuses. Its like they cannot get it through their thick skulls that for me to figure out a plan of what I'm going to do or whatever I kind of have to acknowledge the difficulties and limits I have so I don't over-stress myself and burn myself out.

I am just trying not to care so much what they think anymore, it does me no good.........just depresses me, makes me feel like a total failure and like I just can never do enough or try hard enough or whatever.

Have you tried applying for some kind of help while at school? If you have a DX, they should be able to make some accommodations for you.

My mom probably has Asperger's too, and she still gives me a hard time. She can't figure out how I can be so smart, yet I am unable to do things that other people take for granted.

I was always accused of overreacting and seeming ungrateful. I understand now that I don't overreact - I feel things intensely, so I'm reacting appropriately. I am actually a very grateful person, I just don't always show it the way that others do. Now I'm careful to say "thank you" a lot, so that even if my expression doesn't seem to match the sentiment, people will know how I feel.

Your mom just loves you. She wants to see you do well.

That last line makes it sounds like I was bashing my mom, I hope that wasn't your intention. I'm just extremely frustrated by her rigidity in this matter because it reflects my own. I'm sure if only I could ...... whatever to 'settle down' and be 'responsible'. This is where I have no idea... I know what I like to have in my life and sometimes I can make enough money to do it but it stresses me out too much. So I'd just like some supports in place and the pressure off of me, that's all. So I can take those times in my life where things are going well and advance everything instead of just float.

I wanted to respond to Sweetleaf as well; I think it's very courageous to want to live within your abilities rather than letting your pride force you down roads your mind and body can't handle. I went the latter route for better than 20 years and now I'm paying for it by ill-health. I hope you do find your way, try not to sell yourself short at the same time as respecting your limits. In time I think we can all find a place of balance, but for most it is a life-long struggle.

Another comment about my mom wanting me to do well, I can't do what she wants/thinks is well. That's probably the root of the problem, thank you for addressing it.

Yeah, this is a pretty common thing with aspergers. It's because of the "invisible disability" thing and the fact that your social abilities weren't as important to your life success during the late 19th and early 20th centuries when a lot of american (and, more broadly, modern capitalist) ideals were formed. People are still running on the idea that quality of work is the only thing that effects keeping a job, an idea from a time when both jobs and workers were heavily limited. Now that the worker is an expendable, replaceable part, people are less likely to deal with the eccentric person who occasionally needs something a little abnormal, regardless of work quality. Weird is now nearly as much of a liability as lazy, when it comes to keeping a job.

Very true. I just interviewed for a kitchen manager position (thought I was going in for a line cook position) and was told things like 'I have a good read on people' , 'we're looking for the right fit personality-wise for the crew', etc. and I felt like I always do at these things (past 20 minutes) thinking to myself 'my mask is slipping' 'I'm smiling too much', usually a flurry of thoughts then it doesn't look like I've been paying attention to the guy.... downhill from there. Long interviews are the worst, as are multi-stage interviews.

I would LOVE to work full-time. I love my own money, my car, my life-style while working. But I seriously just exist while doing that, I can't enjoy the benefits of full-time work because I don't make enough money to get ahead when I've always been behind and the stress is so bad that I just smoke myself silly every night and pass out just to repeat the next day full of coffee and Red Bull.

Does it always come down to convincing yourself/other people of your disability and putting yourself on it.... or stressing yourself to death to maintain a facade/full-time employment, whatever else (for those of us who are moderate-severe on the spectrum, especially with sensory difficulties)

.... or is that my black and white thinking? Is there a middle ground?

The only reason I am trying to do that now is because I tried the first way you mentioned before...and only burnt myself out and made my psychological state worse it's too late to undo that I think. I mean someone has to respect my limits and it seems that's one of those things I have to do myself.

And its kind of similar with my mom, I highly doubt her ideas of what my goals should be and my ideas of what I want are very different.

It kind of sounds like she's in denial and really wants to believe you can do these things. But it sounds awful. It kills me when people accuse me of lying, because I never am, and they're usually the ones that lie constantly.

As for the job/social security thing, I think you might be looking at it in a black & white way a bit. There are certainly some jobs that are more suitable for us than others, and I doubt any kind of management is one of them. Also, working part-time is a far cry from not working at all.

I don't imply things, I say what I am thinking. I was pointing out her motivation. It makes the difficult behavior a bit more tolerable when it comes from a place of love instead of animosity.

I've only been told this if someone disagrees with /doesn't like what I say, despite it being true or because I do not make eye contact with the person/ fidget/slouch/cross my arms (which I do all the time to begin with). In general, such accusations do not occur often, since I have plenty of people to vouch for my honesty.

Not really, coming from love makes me feel guilty, like I really DO want to please her so I fall short and it kills me. It's easier for me to accept myself around people that hate me because I KNOW I can't change their minds anyway...

And yes, I realize that you're speaking plainly, so my apologies for trying to find an intention where there wasn't one (something I do automatically because of conforming for so long).

I also appreciate Nonperson's feedback, I would like to work part-time, for sure, just anywhere but the hospitality industry and I need to not work for a while to get stabilized? perhaps? not sure.

You all certainly understand the difficulties I'm facing, on one hand I don't want to give in to being disabled but on the other hand I want people to respect that I am limited, even though I don't CHOSE to be.

What can I do to convince people of my limitations without being melodramatic (their terms) or a nutcase? Losing job after job isn't enough evidence and every time I go into details I'm told I'm making stuff up or being overly negative.

No, I'm the opposite - people who know I'm Aspie think I will be honest in everything I do and say, so I get believed when I lie.

I'm pretty certain this is happening in my case as well, and I say a lot of things people disagree with or don't like! I'm not sure what my body language is most of the time because I'm paying most attention to what I'm saying so perhaps this is something I can work on as well so I won't be thought of as dishonest when I'm not.

I found this thoughtful reply on a search, cut and paste format:

As someone who doesn't really compartmentalise people by societal or professional labels, I have not strong opinion of someone with AS going for psychology. Try. If you get in, someone thinks you are clearly good enough. However, I would query a couple of things:

I am a strong believer in that you can do anything with AS (or any diagnosis), if you want it enough. You might get there on a different way and use different tools, but you will get there.



Really? What if my goal was marrying Keira Knightly? If I work hard enough will I get that?

I think this can be quite a dangerous way of thinking, and is a variant of "If you want something (anything) hard enough you will get it" or "Just world fallacy". It places the onus of success on individual effort and ignores the various environmental factors, external barriers and even luck that plays a huge part in the success of any endevour. It also has the unfortunate implication that anyone who fails to achieve something just simply didn't work hard enough or want it bad enough. It probably goes double in this forum where many of us are nursing rejections and having to think of plan B's.

Another reason is, that I want to do something meaningful and good, so I can achieve this with CP aswell. Lastly, it might even be the competitiveness of the area. I am the first person of my family going to Uni and I want to prove to myself and others what I am capable of doing. I love working hard and I need to be challenged. Incidentally I also need to learn to fail sometimes, stand up and keep trying and be successful on other times. I love doing research and I love helping others. CP is quite a good career to do all these things.




The reply to bolded is in italics

Thoughts?