Handling (wrongly) perceived rejection - over-reactions

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I'm pretty hyper-sensitive when it comes to anything I minimally perceive as rejection.

It presses all my emotional buttons, and whilst I understand completely why I do this, it's very frustrating and can be quite debilitating, it takes quite a bit of emotional energy to set myself right after this happens. Anyone else get like this - how do you handle it?

I've deliberately put this here rather than the Haven as I'm happy to get some fairly blunt responses!

To give an example, of potentially misplaced feeling of rejection, here is something that happened recently:-

An office I had use of, and very occasionally used, got cleared out; I wasn't properly informed what was happening and as result some of my personal items went missing or got thrown away by mistake. These things weren't of great value or personal interest, but someone had said they would take care of them until I could collect them and then they did not. I was expecting to have time to clear my desk and desk drawers, but instead I literally walked in to find my office desk had been replaced by filing cabinets, personal desk drawers had been emptied left out on shelves and some other items were missing (turns out these things had been thrown away by mistake - they did look like they might be rubbish - also the office was locked although a few limited people had access so the personal stuff on the shelves was fairly safe).

Should I feel angry that this was handled properly - well yes that seems like a reasonable response, and I have politely and firmly explained to those involved by email I think they got this wrong and they have all apologised.

The problem is I also feel very rejected by this behaviour (as it reminds me of things that happened when I was bullied where some said they would do something but did the opposite). the result is I feel very upset and hurt, as well as justifiably angry, and it is taking me DAYS to get over this. I feel completely unsettled as a result. THIS reponse seems completely out of proportion to what actually happened.

For me disruption to a personal space feels like a form of intense rejection, is this an ASD disruption of routine thing? (Please note I did not use the office space very often at all, but did consider it a personal space I could use from time to time) I'm wondering if my response is almost a mini-meltdown of sorts.

Anyone else get this sort of over reaction of treating things as rejection when they are not really?

Have you have found a way to handle it without over-reacting?

I don't think that's autism.

I don't know if it's related to AS, but I know that feel...

I think maybe it's indirectly related: the result of past traumas from bullying, which in turn happened because of our AS. Sometimes I feel like certain situations trigger a flashback to how I was tormented in school, and therefore I can't cope.

That sounds a lot like how I deal with things too. I can get very hurt by silly things, but mostly those of a romantic nature. My example would be if I liked a girl and wanted to ask her out but decided not to and found out she was dating someone else. When this happens I can feel very hurt and broken hearted, even though I have no right to be and know I have no right to be. I'll end up avoiding the person and such just to not have to deal with the irrational, illogical feelings that have been hurt from my own inaction and the other person doing what is best for their life. Now if I actually get rejected, the pain and depression can last for months to a year, even though I don't want it to. I just can't help it as my emotions are way too strong and I don't take failure well at all.

Yes, I do this all the time! I have a very difficult time developing friendships as a result of my own cognitive distortions. Everyone assumes that I am "normal" because I "read social cues" ... but what they don't see is that I over-interpret them and assume that people are sending me non-verbal messages that they actually are not (non verbals that offend me), or when they are, I misinterpret them and end up feeling hurt for absolutely no reason (sometimes I think that I don't feel hurt when I should even). I'm very new to the concept of having AS (the online test thingies are all telling me that I have it, I'm trying to get an official evaluation) ... so I haven't actually figured out how to deal with this, but simply becoming aware of the fact has been helping me to at least remind myself that I'm probably feeling hurt and offended for no reason. I still end up feeling the hurts though, so I would like to know how to deal with this better too!

I understand how this feeling is for you, I have a hard time with hurt feelings also. It is difficult to know what to do with them because sometimes it takes a really long time to get over it.

I also have a sort of panic and bad feeling when something of mine is misplaced or moved or thrown away. Or even if I just lose something and it might be lost. I think this is because of my attachment to objects. Giving something away is intentional, but having it taken or lost accidently elevates my anxiety because it is out of my control.

I think what finally helps is realizing that most rejection is due to the other person being focused on their own purposes, and their purpose is usually not to hurt me. People don't follow through on what they say they will do out of forgetfulness not intentionally most of the time. Hope that helps.

I know how it feels to completely misinterpret an action as being perceived rejection - I don't handle it very well at all and, while I don't really show it to others, it takes me a good while to get over it. My main issue is when I feel I am being purposefully excluded from social situations when I feel like I have actually tried to be friendly and nice with people (without being fake obviously). It makes me feel like my efforts to engage with people on a social level have all been for nothing and this is really hurtful to me. I had this issue a few months ago where I felt constantly excluded when people in my office would all go out to lunch together each Monday and not invite me. When I eventually mentioned this (in a joke like fashion so I would not appear hostile), I then actually got asked why I never joined them. I then said it was because I was never asked, to which they replied, 'You don't have to be asked, you should just come along'. My obvious issue in picking up social cues here methinks meant that I got upset over absolutely nothing.

I overreact to slight rejection like that...

I've asked my friend if she wanted to hang out for the past couple of weeks, and she hesitates to ask her parents, and it's always a no. I see it as rejection, even though she's probably just busy. But it takes me a couple days to get over it. It's quite frustrating.

Thanks for all the replies so far.

I'm actually a bit surprised how many people have identified with this, and how much I identify with all your responses too.

Am off to sleep now but will respond more fully in the morning.

@glasstoria
That's very helpful, I'm far to quick to assume malevolence when it is unintentional mistake or forgetfulness, I need to remember this more often. I hadn't thought about it much but I really dislike other people even just moving my things, let alone losing them. This may be bit about the desire to keep control. I would also I generally have a much stronger attachment to objects and animals than people.

@whirlingmind I can really relate to what you say, I'm definitely at least mildly obsessive about controlling my personal space

@nrau the issue itself may not be autism but I suspect ASD traits may exacerbate it, hence my wondering if ASD traits might be partially implicated here, others replies suggest to me they might be. I'm currently awaiting diagnostic assessment, one of the reasons for seeking this is to try to unentangle some of the reasons for my behaviours.

@nonperson
childhood bullying is almost certainly a root cause for me too, these kind of incidents can bring back vivid memories, and I tend to relive the emotions I felt back then; this is one of the reasons my reactions are often WAY out of proportion to the incident, this what I meant when I said it pushes my emotional buttons, I've only recently understood this. I actually find it helpful to know others experience this too, it makes me feel less alone and strange. I do sympathise with this experience, it can be both frustrating and hurtful to keep reliving emotional reactions from the past. I am finding that knowing this is a root cause is proving helpful though, but progress is quite slow

@ everyone else

Ah yes, the social cues things, I have completely lost count of the number of times I've failed to read social cues properly and assumed rejection when it was not there and then felt hurt. I, like others here, won't show it and won't say anything. In fact my default position in social situations is to assume rejection unless there is clear evidence to the contary. I have just had a bit of a revelation actually as I've just realised this is probably why I feel a bit hurt and anxious much of the the time! I'm certain I'm missing out on some positive social interactions as a result, also, although this behaviour is trying to protect me so I'm prepared should I actually be rejected, the fact it makes me feel rejected and hurt ALL the time is backfiring big time.

Thanks everyone, your replies have helped me think through this, and given me some very valuable insights. Definitelty food for thought.

Anyone else got any tips, tricks, comments or further insights? I'd love to hear them.

(With apologies for any typos I missed).

So thinking about the social rejection side a bit more, I've resolved to stop assuming I will be automatically rejected in every minor social encounter I have.

How to do this?

1) When I'm entering into a simple social interaction remind myself not to jump to any conclusions (my first impressions are often wrong)

2) Remind myself that an immediate neutral reaction is far more likely than immediate rejection

3) Remind myself that if I do encounter a hostile reaction during a minor social intetaction, I can break off and walk away

4) If necessessary review if there is any evidence that hostile rejection is occurring and act accordingly (in simple social interactions, if rejection is actually occuring I can then either usually probably ignore it or walk away).

Obviously a more complex approach is required, for people I need to work with a lot (socialising is less of a problem as I can usually choose who I socialise with).

But for basic social interactions, for example, with shop assistants and work related people I only see very occasionally and so on, this should work.

I don't intend to suddenly start bounding up to people expecting them to love me, like me and approve of me, but I'm going to abandon the belief that everyone I come across is most likely to automatically hate me and be really horrible to me. In simple logical probablistic terms this is just as unlikely as someone automatically assuming they really like me.

Hopefully this will mean I appear a bit less suspicious and more neutral when I meet people, which in turn should hopefully improve my social interactions, and lessen me wrongly perceiving rejection at least a bit!

Now, there will be some bad people out there of course, and rejection will still occur, but hopefully I can mis-perceive it less.

I'm also going to look into learning some kind of fairly non-violent physical self-defence. That way if someone turned very nasty physically at least hopefully I could defend myself for long enough to get away. I've thought about learning Aikido before, I'll look into this again. This will hopefully reduce my feelings of physical vulnerability a little, which I think will also help.