Could this be an aspie trait?

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Hi All. Long time since I have been on the forum. Now 18 months later my husband has official asperger diagnosis by the Autism Association. It has been an incredible journey.

I am wondering........ my husband has a big problem with forgiveness and this is causing a massive issue for us. He is remembering, replaying and re-living domestic arguments that we had years ago (one in particular was 7 years ago). It had to do with him not being able to play soccer because at the time there was financial, work constraints and our children were babies/toddlers. I was needing him around at the time etc etc.

Despite discussing this hundreds of time and my apologising, listening, helping him find another soccer club he continues to bring this subject up and becomes very aggressive about it. Demanding that I explain over and over again why i wouldn't let him play soccer. demanding that I apologise. He claims now that he cannot even watch a soccer match because it is too emotionally painful for him.

The truth is; that 7 years down the track I have well and truly moved on from this issue and many of the other minor domestic squabbles that he brings up. I can barely remember the sequence of events so I am having to make up answers that I think he wants to hear. They are never the right answers for him and the problem just repeats itself over and over again. I have been successful in shutting down the conversation for about a year now. but recently he has become more demanding over getting the answer and apology he wants.

forgiveness is an overall issue for him. if anyone says something nasty to him it will remain in his memory forever. And worse, he actually starts to concoct a much broader recollection of the issue and read all sorts of things into it that never actually existed. Our poor neighbour across the road said something out of line once. fair enough, he should be angry. but 2 years down the track he has in his mind labelled this woman as all sorts of things that she isn't. it's quite delusional. Suddenly, she is fat, old (she's about 50), lazy, bludger etc etc. None of which, to my knowledge, is true. He has no evidence for this information.

Would be interested to hear others thoughts on this. Thanks

and just another thing to add to this. this not forgiveness behaviour is now affecting the relationship between him and our 12 year old daughter.

As she is reaching puberty and doing the whole "teenage attitude" thing. So she is a bit offish with him some weeks ago. He dwells on this and as a result he immediately things she is being "offish" with him even if she just feels tired or not in a communicative mood. He fails to recognise that there is may be a different reason to her behaviour. It's like he has it stuck into his head that she was rude to him 3 weeks ago, she will always be like that and he is not going to forget it or let her forget it.

Once, my girlfriend said: "You always seek revenge and you forget nothing. Stop bringing old issues."

I had to analyse myself for this behavior and I came up with an answer. I experience a minor meltdown at those conditions. I simply cannot stop myself from shouting at her about something. Unfortunately, most of the time it is not about my rightfulness, it is only about discharging my anger. I direct my fury at her by finding a trivial reason, I justify it, and I feel remorse after that. In my case, old issues are just excuses.

I do not know if your husband experiences the same feeling. If he does, my suggestion: Remind him about his meltdown state; rather than defending yourself about the issue. Let him realize that he is not driven by logic but by emotions. This may calm him down.

Another thing: Aspies live through hardships in social life, especially in puberty. As an adult, an aspie may say "I will take this no more" and he or she may seek revenge for every insult. Aspies have excellent memory (except directions and faces), so this is a disadvantage for this particular case.

My NT wife constantly reminded me of things that happened 20 years prior so I think NTs can hold onto unpleasant memories too. My wife was an NT with narcissistic tendencies. She is very sensitive to being shortchanged and not receiving what is her due.

I don't think being a nudge is an AS trait. It could be childhood trauma. In any case, whatever the root cause, I would've long ago tuned him out, who can stand such a thing. I bet he's this way only with you guys and not with his boss, the boss's secretary and the rest of the people he needs to impress, such as his soccer buddies.

Many people come in here seeking confirmation that their spouses using them as punch-bags is justified by AS. Well, it's not. I don't have someone I can dump on freely and I live. Problem is what a spouse puts up with, a daughter doesn't need or want to, so he's facing losing her if he goes on like this with her too.

I tend to not forget things that affect me. maybe you should apologize even if you dont know why, it seems to be an injustice he wants to right.

Last edited by chris5000 on 13 Aug 2012, 4:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I still have a grudge against one of two people for things that happened when I was a child. Those people have all but forgotten by now, I'm sure.

For me, many scars do not heal. I can forgive, but I will never forget, even if whoever made me upset tries to "make things right". A few weeks ago, I had an upset with a family member (they were very opinionated about politics and I wanted nothing to do with it), and I just wanted to escape. Unfortunately, they tried to stop me from leaving, which only made me more annoyed with them. I was later told that they were trying to sort things out, though their actions had the opposite effect. Although we did "get over it", I don't think I will ever be able to get over it completely.

For the majority I do tune him out. Every so often he pushes the boundaries and won't let me tune him out. (ie takes it to the next level by kicking a wall or something to get my attention) He is very much pushing his point with anyone he has social contact with but for the most part it is superficial conversation. The conversations he has with his immediate family are more important to him because there is that emotional connection. I mean, he really, really wants us to understand how frustrated he is about something. NT's can just as equally use their spouses as emotional punching bags. I am guilty of this myself, but I move on pretty quickly and it is not repetitive.

I agree he is going to lose his daughter and i have told him this. things can be fine for weeks or months, but then something snaps and he repeats the same issues over again. i don't think his behaviour is justified. i do think he needs to "man up" and take responsibility for dealing with the unresolved issues he has from the past. getting him motivated to do this is the hard thing.

I dont think tuning him out is going to help, if someone did that too me it would only frustrate me more. its part of your job as a spouse to help your significant other through their issues. tuning him out is also not helping the emotional connection as you are pushing him away.

I'm diagnosed with AS and I have a tendency to hold grudges for years. For example, my grandmother (mom's side) was addicted to drugs and wasn't very kind or close to anyone because she never got over issues she had with her ex-husband. Even though she has been dead for 9 years, I still feel angry at her for the way that she treated me and my family (particularly my mom) when she was alive.

I'm also still angry at the way that the bullies treated me in school, particularly when I was 14, even though I'd heard that they were mean to lots of people and my mom says they have most likely forgotten all about me by now.

I also remember every hurtful comment that has ever been made about me or my special interests on the Internet. I have quit or considered quitting most of my favorite websites because of this, even though I have been told countless times by my loved ones that the opinions of strangers shouldn't matter.

What my mom keeps reminding me of is that by holding grudges, I am only hurting myself. Maybe it will help if you suggest that to your husband.

One thing is to hold grudges, another is his behavior. I just wanted to make it clear for any NT spouses reading this thread: kicking walls to have one's way, alienating one's loved ones through self-righteousness, not taking responsibility for one's issues, dumping one's frustrations on others, etc. are NOT Asperger's traits. And even if they were, you can see all over these forums people asking desperately what they're doing wrong and how they can improve. Which means that continuing to do the hurtful thing in spite of knowing how it's affecting others, is not an AS trait either.

Sounds like your husband is spoilt and knows he can get away with abusive behavior because you don't place firm boundaries. The urgent issue here is that you're teaching your daughter to be a man's punch-bag, as children learn by example. She doesn't deserve such a future.

The only way you can motivate him to change is by changing yourself. Going to therapy to learn healthy boundaries setting. Stopping to cooperate with his abuse. Understanding the difference between supporting a spouse and cooperating with their abuse. Being patient and enduring bad treatment is not support. Support is not enabling him. Eg: if you stop tuning him out because he kicked a wall or did something else aggressive, you're motivating him to escalate the abuse instead of motivating him to take responsibility and work on his issues.

For the sake of your daughter, I urge you to seek therapy for yourself. From my own experience, you're likely ruining her life.

I have to admit, I remember every burn I've ever received and often wait years to administer retribution. Not one of my better traits. Is this an aspie behavior? I doubt it, it is learned defense of the downtrodden. Of course, aspies tend to be downtrodden so draw your conclusions.

I'm like this.
In my case, it's normally because, I view the situation as unresolved.

Sorry...... I didn't really explain things well in that regard. Firstly there are firm boundaries in place. He does not live with us. Visits are planned and we have a "leave when I request" policy. That is: he can only handle a certain amount of family life, so when I can see the stress building I ask him to go back to his place and we will catch up another time. For the majority this works well for us and he also has learnt to recognise his limits and will only take on what he can manage. We have two children and they both stand up to him when he becomes unreasonable. All the family has had counselling and their is a restraining order in place which tells him not to threaten or intimidate me, break property etc.

You are probably wondering at this point why I allow him in our lives at all. Apart from the fact that i do still have an emotional connection with him, I firmly believe in people taking responsibility and there is no way I am going to completely cut him out of our lives so he can have the easy way out living in his one room at the pub, working and enjoying his free time in any way he chooses. Whilst I handle the full responsibility of full-time work, household and family management. His aggressive meltdowns are infrequent, but nevertheless unacceptable and I continue to encourage him to undergo professional therapy etc which he is agreeable to and he does do a lot for the family in a practical sense.

Major damage was done in the early stage of our relationship. First couple of years was OK, but then we moved countries and his ability to function dramatically reduced. Significant executive functioning issues and major dependency. I had no idea why this was happening. he wouldn't even shower without asking me if it was OK. I was constantly frustrated with him, said some horrible things to him and assumed he was stupid and lazy. I was wrong.... very wrong, but I had no idea about aspergers AND neither did the doctors / therapists that we went to. Nobody listened to me initially. Hence he was not diagnosed until age 45 along with depression and anxiety. He has a right to be angry I think, but not a right to be abusive. At some point we all have to let these past issues go and move forward.

Same for me.