Diagnosis: When/how to tell?

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My Aspie son is about 10. He was diagnosed a year or 2 ago. He must be told, obviously, but I've been wrestling with how and when to tell him.

WHEN should I tell him? Should I wait until I see a sign that he senses a difference to NTs? Tell him today? Wait until high school?

HOW should I tell him? I've tried to lay the groundwork for ages (showing how different people have strengths, weaknesses, different types of thinking etc) without using the label.

I want him to know there's nothing 'wrong' with him. I want him to know he's not alone.
I don't want him to feel crushed, isolated or ostracized.
(gee, listen to my anxiety about a social situation!)

What are your experiences? How do you think the conversation you had could have been better?

my parents never said anything to me. they would talk about it when I was in the room but the way they would talk about me it was like I was not even there.

Maybe make the information about aspergers available and let him make the connection himself when he is ready.

Why should he feel bad? There's nothing inherently wrong with AS.

And that wasn't very helpful, I apologize. At the age I'm at now, I know I'd prefer if my parents told me directly that I had a disorder. So long as you carefully explain that there's nothing wrong with him so that he doesn't misinterpret and worry. He's only 10, and I'm not really sure how a 10 year old processes things, but there's my opinion.

Last edited by CrystalStars on 14 Aug 2012, 3:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Exactly, but I'm not sure he'll see it that way. He may interpret it as "there are things my siblings can do that I can't" (ignoring the reciprocal), and he doesn't take competition well.

He's going to come to you with a situation requiring explanation soon enough. Get ready, 10 is a tricky age for everyone.

If my life is like a typical Aspie (and nothing indicates it is not), it is imperative that you tell your son at least something about it before the age of 12. Not necessarily a 'label' but explain about how he is different than most because he will quickly find that out either way in Junior High/Middle School. That's where the 'social wheels' fell off for me and I went from being just excluded to being outright abused physically and emotionally tortured. Looking back I would wouldn't have been such a mental wreck if someone told me IT WASN'T MY FAULT! When you have 5-10 people a day telling you to drop dead and taking pleasure in ganging up on you and force you to sit in the aisle of the bus, you tend to believe they must be telling the truth.

While I have never told my parents about my (unofficial) diagnosis (just my brother and he agrees 100%), I wonder if they didn't know for a long time and just never told me. A recent statement she made to me indicates she knows more than she is letting on. Maybe she thought it would devastate me to know I have an impairment but it was much worse not knowing WHY almost everyone in Junior High hated me for no apparent reason. Bottom line: life was pure hell from 12-15 for me and I would never wish it upon anyone but knowing I was not suffering alone would have helped immensely. I'm 29 and I'm only now recovered from what happened to me and knowing about Aspergers made all the difference.

If your son is anything like my daughter, he probably knows he's different already and this will not come as any sort of shock, just a confirmation of what he already knows. My daughter's getting a diagnosis (or not) next week and I intend speaking with her about it. She already says that she's different from her peers and has named people who she is most like, even though she's not very like them either (they happen to be on the spectrum or going through the assessment process). It will help your son to understand himself better, I'm sure.

I agree that he should know before puberty hits it's full stride. I would also look into cognitive behavioral therapy to teach him the things he does not intuitively know. Asperger's was not an official diagnosis when I was in school and had it been it is certain I would have been diagnosed. Knowing would have helped me to compensate somewhat for what I went through. Instead, all I knew was that I had ADD, a diagnosis that did not really deal with the social issues I have dealt with most of my life. It took me until my thirties to be able to examine my life and figure out what I was doing wrong and why. Had I known at an earlier date, I would have had a framework to put it in and could have chosen to deal with it differently.