I think my family has Asperger traits.. But I'm not sure.

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All this time. I think there is finally a name for the "differences" that I've known and felt all growing up, but never had a word for. I've always known my family - my dad and brother and me - were different a bit, but we just considered it "our intelligence, or the creative nature of my father really", and, he Was very creative, extremely creative actually... And I'm not just saying that. He was probably the most artistically gifted and well read man I think I've ever met in my whole life.
But anyway, so back to my family and the traits I'm discussing. I'll just start listing them and talking about them. My dad had a very stiff gait and was very, very serious and rigidly perfectionistic. He did not know how to relax, and I'm not sure if he ever did. He was often very angry and irritated at things; high strung, and with things that didn't line up the way he had thought they should be, I remember this. I also remember growing up how emotionally aversive he was; I found this repulsive, infuriating and damaging as a kid, and I still regret that he was this way. It made it a very difficult environment for me and my brother (more so me) to thrive and express ourselves in.

My brother has a set all of his own characteristics. He was always ALWAYS very stubborn, more than my dad, and, my dad could not be said to be stubborn. But, my brother had this stubborn nature that was somehow just, his temperament. *I've had a very difficult time in this family, a very difficult one.* But, he used to when we were kids, talk and talk and talk about things which no one cared about; airplanes - and flying, it was his obsession and I remember he used to just talk At you. And you had to listen...it was painful and frustrating I remember that. And after all your patience had been drained away by listening, he would become frustrated that you still weren't listening, and get mad at you. I remember he also used to throw the Worst tantrums when we were kids. ..it was bad. I mean he threw Terrible tantrums. He frequently had the habit of getting lost so easily too, he would just wander off places and my parents had to find him. I remember him being very expressive and happy as kids, but as we got older Into teens he changed. He had this flat expressionless face, and used a monotone voice. He always appeared very foreboding. He still does it to this day. I always found that stuck out but didn't know why he was like that or what it meant. He always looked "pissed off". And I remember him being a touchy sunovabitch. He still is to this day, though it's just sublimated.

Now I will discuss me. I was a very happy and hyper, excited handsome young kid, I was always smiling. I was very, very shy though, and self conscious as a kid, I greatly remember that. And I have always been extremely self conscious, even back to the young age of 6 I remember. I was a nice kid, I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I was gentle natured and introspective, kind. I don't remember being treated very kindly by my brother when we were young kids..but we will deny this in our family - because everything had to be perfect. I remember always feeling....just overpowered by everything and the people in my family. And I was. I was just quiet and calm. I was a happy kid though, And this stuff didnt get to me.
It was ....however, when I began to hit puberty that ALL my problems began, for me. I turned into a sort of monster, I'll get to that shortly. I developed increasing and severe social anxiety in my sixth grade year, and remember the kids started to pick and tease other kids at that time. I didn't understand it, I still don't. It's not in me to. I remember I was unprepared for it, and I Did Not like it. Nor did I have any idea of how to cope with it. I developed a somberness of sorts the end of my sixth grade year...and went I to 7th. This was when everything Really happened. I recalled a traumatic (for me) memory of something I did in-my mind -on my bed one evening, and suddenly developed a very, very severe panic anxiety about it, and then turned into ocd. Didn't know what it was at the time, I felt I had or was losing my mind. It was so horrible. .. I began at this time experimenting with my sexuality, and being very conflicted about it; we were raised Catholic. At the time I was very to myself and withdrawn and silent about it. I went Into my seventh grade year very very, withdrawn, extremely socially anxious, And I had really bad, terrible ocd. It..was in short, a waking nightmare ...I remember that. What made it all worse was that...I was all alone and I didn't go or talk to anybody; I was embarrassed and very ashamed, terrified. I became severely, severely depressed. It seemed like my life had just changed completely and I was a different person in a time of a few months. I still struggle to try and understand this; though I think I do now. ..the answer is very simple, I just didn't want to accept it or was unprepared to deal with it at the time; my family surroundings did not help me either, I wasn't given the allowance or space to deal with my problems , the advice was always- from every direction - buck it up, come on, we don't have time for this. Such helpful, effective treatments by others, in time of need - all I needed was a little acceptance and a bit of understanding.. Some tolerance for what I was feeling, but what I got was, "hurry up we don't have time for this". It was such a terrible feeling and time and was confusing. I was picked on that year, brutally, by others. I was called "fa***t" and dork by this one bully.. sometimes right in front of this girl I really had a huge Huge crush on, in class. They'd sit behind me, she'd join in on the bullying. I remember and will never forget that.
And in a class seminar outside I was voted "the most shy in the whole school" and, I had to walk up to receive the "award" ...while kids laughed and jeered at me as I blushed and became anxious, it seemed like everyone was laughing and making fun of me, and the adults were just complacent about it all. I remember that. I never could understand That. It was at this time I started doing weird things, obsessive behaviors - I used to draw maps out obsessively for a Rainbow Six game. I remember drawing them out on PowerPoint. I developed phobias, obsessions. My hair had to be perfect. I was conscious about my skin and freckles, I would not take my shirt off in public, I cried out at the pool when I was 13 or so one day...my mother looked at me and said something daftly, to the effect of "no one notices. I can't understand why you're so worried about something so dumb." I remember her lack of appreciation for my experience..just a complete dismissal of it. I remember that bad feeling. I felt like a failure, a freak. I was frustrated, lost, upset. I didn't know what was happening to me. I became very withdrawn and would just go up to my room. This was how I spent the majority of my adolescence. .. Everyone noticed something was wrong but they didn't know what to do. For the first time in my life my gentle nature gave way to something else, a vicious anger and combative bitterness I had inside. I became argumentative, quarrelsome....attacking, and very extremely moody and I was an emotional wreck. I felt so insecure and uprooted and confused, angry. Mostly I felt nobody cared, about what I was going through. The attitude was 'just move on' and I tried to do it, but couldn't. Everybody was too wrapped up in their own lives to notice or have time to talk about what was going on with me. I to this day- feel like that was one of the most damaging aspects of it all. I could have easily "coped" with what I was experiencing, with a collective effort but first you have to acknowledge before you are able to cope. ... My family just simply- and my father- didn't have the Time to be able to cope with my problems. What a mistake that was. Where had my confidence gone? Where was this person I used to be....fun, bright...energetic and headstrong. It gave way with the social anxiety, first. That just broke me ...and the rest soon came .

Anyways.. I was put on meds for basically my entire teen and adult existence, on and off antidepressants, it was basically to shut me up - so that things would just go back to normal again, and partly so that my family would have an easier time "dealing with it all" but they didn't, things didn't of course get any better, Really, and they tried other stuff. None of it was very succesful , though it took the edge off. I felt, and to some degree. Still feel this feeling of Lost inside. ..like I couldn't find the "me" anymore.. And I was just struggling to cope with the demands of living. I was very unhappy. I was tortured. ...

I still am. But I'm 28 now... 28 years, and I'm still putting back together the pieces. Now I have traits of borderline personality disorder, ocd, and anxiety. I think even some asperger traits. I'm very jumpy and ...sometimes when I catch myself in a reflection or mirror I'll appear odd, as in stiff like my dad appeared. I use often very verbose speech without trying, and I'll at times talk very rapidly. I feel withdrawn, isolated. I also struggle with anger, feeling depressed and upset. Feeling lost in life. I struggle with relationships and haven't had one; a good one. .... Ever I don't think. It's very sad. ..
It's like everything just began layering and layering on top of each other ...and I couldn't figure out how to address the first one...and then it just compacted became more confusing and complex, and now here I am today where I'm at.


Thank you for listening. I know I went off and talked about other things besides "Asperger traits" , but I hope and I feel that I can get some honest and good support here, for some reason I don't know why - I just feel that.

Thank you. Please tell me what you think.

I thought I was the only one who thought that about my family, its also the same to me with friends and other people; the more I know them or like them the more they seem autistic or asperger to me because when I start to know them more, I find them more similar to me so I guess that sums it all up to me- this is now one of the things which makes me believe all humans are the same.

Thanks, does anybody have any more feedback for me? This is really important for me.

Bump

I can relate in some ways too.

I was always the quiet kid in the high school class. I was worried that I was going to be the one who was voted the quietest kid in the class, but it went to someone else, probably because few people even knew my name.

I went through plenty of depression in middle school and even got sent to a therapy based school in eighth grade. Got laughed at plenty and kind of became a recluse as time went on. I my obsessions are intellectual ones, I like learning.

My mom has suspected my dad has AS and he doesn't have many friends. My brother hardly spoke until he was about three and still isn't very familial. My mom told me my grandma suspected I was autistic when I was one, but I have yet to be formally diagnosed. I struggle with depression and anxiety, but not really anger. I have minor OCD, but nothing serious.