Tip for talkng to people -- a barrier

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Over the years I have had all kinds of trouble talking to people. But I've found -- originally discovered it when I was a cashier -- that if I have some kind of barrier between me and the other person, I do much better. It can be anything -- a counter, a sofa, a bookshelf -- but it has to be something wide enough that you can be reasonably sure the person can't "get" you. I'm still somewhat unsettled, but it's a great help when I HAVE to socialize.

Makes sense to me. It's a matter of personal "space." Some people need more than others, and it's only natural that some may also need a more defined border or barrier to their personal space.

I read a true funny anecdote about this once. There were these two diplomats from two different countries who attended the same party at a diplomatic function, and got into a discussion. Someone watching from another part of the room observed that as the conversation progressed the two men gradually moved across the room, as one unconsciously retreated from the other. The "retreater" was from a culture that was more comfortable with more space between people who were talking together, while the "pursuer" was from a culture that preferred a closer distance between people talking together. So completely unconsciously the one man would pull a little back to feel more comfortable, which would then make the other man feel uncomfortably far away from the man he was talking to. So the second man would unconsciously move a little forward. This kept going on the whole way across the room, amusing the man who observed, and later reported it.

If it makes you feel better to have some sort of a barrier between you and others, go for it.

Recently I've had to start wearing reading glasses, and I love them! They seem to work as a kind of barrier for me. Big nerdy frames, I can let my hair flop over them in front and by necessity, there is no need to focus on the person to whom I'm speaking. I wish I could wear them all the time!

Sunglasses work good too but if you're inside people will assume you're stoned. I know you can get "fake" glasses so I'm guessing you could get some with a little tint and maybe get away with it.

Maybe I'll try bifocals!

Just looked them up and they are called Fashion glasses

they look perfect! thanks!

Bank managers would traditionally sit behind big, safe desks, at least in the days when people got to see their bank manager. I heard that was supposed to be a psychlogical barrier.

If you don't have a physical barrier, you might unconsciously form a barrier sign by crossing your arms, which they say can go down badly (sign of rejection), but I think if it's used while facing slightly away from them, and turning the head towards them to stay engaged, then it's not so "offensive."

I've worn glasses since I was 10, so they don't feel like a barrier, They're just a part of me. And I do fold my arms when I have no other option, but it doesn't work as well. The turning away a bit does help too,

The technique that helps me the most? Not being forced to socialize when I don't want to in the first place!

I try not to admit to myself that I'm "socialising." It's a scary word for me, it suggests I'm swimming in shark-infested waters or riding a bike with loose wheels. It's the same for parties......if I don't know it's a party, I can cope a lot better. So I see myself as always an island.........I'll always try to answer anybody who talks to me in a reasonable way, even if I don't feel like communicating, but I'm not going to immerse myself in society, I'll just have a series of one-on-one conversations but I'll never permanently live outside myself, unless I learn to like it that way. In a way it's like the old trick of breaking a large task down into manageable sub-tasks so that the mind doesn't get overwhelmed by the sheer size and complexity of the job.