heartbroken over aspie relationship - please help

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For the past 6.5 years I have been involved an undiagnosed Aspie. After spending countless hours seeking answers online I am positive \"G\" has aspergers. Everything I read fits him ( and my responses!) to a tee. Here is my story . .it will be long and I hope some kind soul can bear it and respond!

G & I met at a difficult passage in my life and he came in to rescue. Having retired from working as a juvenile court counselor (at 50!) he was the perfect man for my sons and me who were just getting out of a violent situation with my husband, the boys\' father. He was kind, attentive, took us on many outdoor adventures. Although 15 years older than I it did not matter as he is extremely fit, handsome and youthful in thought. I only learned later that some of his charm was related to asperger\'s and it was alternately cute and maddening.

After just a few months he moved into my home without discussion and I allowed it - was thrilled! He is no indigent, has his own house, but it indicated to me his desire to be with us. I could tell early on that this was a man who did not do anything he didn\'t want to do. This became a difficulty in our relationship as he was rarely willing to move, i.e. make a compromise or change anything about his actions that were hurtful to our family.

Requests, some times expressed angrily, made by me for communication, attention and affection were generally ignored or seen as outrageous. Rarely was a good deal of effort made and I was always told that I was unreasonable and insecure. I know that sometimes I was but in general was asking for a connection. I always felt I was climbing a ladder to his heart. I have told him I love him many, many times to which he responds, \"I know.\" He has told me the same in words maybe 1/2 dozen times but his actions have spoken volumes. Very loyal, honest, kind but alternately self-absorbed, selfish and unable to ever put himself in my shoes or even try to understand where I might be coming from.

In all our years together G has been generous with gifts but often selfish with his time and seemingly more concerned with himself than me or the children. (Though I must add he has been my youngest son's big buddy and they have enjoyed many, many times together!) I have always been left with the feeling that he did not need us as we needed him.

G has neglected his home, his health to some extent and as he would say, has not been doing the things that have worked for him his whole life. In my mind he did pursue and enjoy the things that filed his soul: biking, hiking and traveling. But I guess it was not to the capacity he had experienced in years past.

I should add that I am the longest relationship G has had in his 62 years; was married briefly in his late 40s but it ended quickly. His bride cheated on him and I don\'t think he has ever gotten over that. We could never discuss a commitment, even a commitment for dinner so I just learned not to expect it. In late March G removed all his stuff from my home and returned to his without explanation except to say he needed to help the roofers. It\'s true that he needed to take care of his neglected house but what followed is what has broken my heart: he has never acknowledged that he left our relationship, nor that anything has changed even though he has not stayed at my home since.

Up until about a month ago I allowed G to show up at my home without notice, day after day. He would never spend the night but kept his presence in our lives with the visits and gifts and hikes. This drove me crazy as I longed for a conversation regarding what was going on. Any effort on my part was seen a ridiculous and unwanted. No matter how gently I approached the subject he would ignore me, usually by just getting in his car and leaving. Thirty-four days ago I left a message on his phone ( he never answers; rarely responds to emails) asking him not to come by and explaining lovingly that I needed to take care of my boys. I explained that I could not be his friend right now but would be in touch when I could. I have made a couple of small efforts to check on him and let him know I still care.

Today, I stopped by his home and he was sleeping. He explained that he did not feel well . . our meeting was brief . . and I was sent on my way after a couple of polite questions regarding our well-being. I don\'t expect that I will hear from him and honestly, the only way to reach him is just to get lucky and find him at home. It\'s a big effort and a painful one.

Thinking that this blog would sound like a jilted woman who doesn\'t belong on wrongplanet but I can promise you in my heart of hearts that I know G is a dear aspie. Reading others\' descriptions of their relationships is like reading my own life. I love G dearly and have missed him horribley but my life has gotten better. Still yet I want him and cannot reconcile in my heart why we parted. Worse yet I cannot understand why we cannot have a simple conversation honoring what we had & considering what could be - friends - or companions with an understanding of aspergers. The \"a\" word has only come up once in a very, very, very short email to which I received no response. I do not know where to go from here. How do I understand all this ?! After such a long relationship it is agonizing for me to put my arms around being apart. I feel like the boys and I have just been dismissed. Doesn\'t seem like he\'s missed a beat but I know he loves us. Please, anyone, help me to understand. Blessings.

I at least managed to read your wall of text! I'm sorry things happened the way they did and that you are so upset about "G".

To be honest I don't know that his actions need or can be viewed through the lens of aspergers. PLENTY of neurotypical men are equally averse to commitment and equally averse to discussing problems or relationships. I think I actually read a thread somewhere about this recently where nearly every aspie that posted stated that they tend to actually become very attached to people they become romantically involved with. Perhaps their partner becomes, in essence, a special interest or perhaps it is the routine of being in a relationship with a person that cements this attachment for aspies - I dunno. I'm not diagnosed either (but we think I am aspie - referral appointment is next month - *nervous*!) but that has always been the way for me - I become super attached to people and am in no way averse to commitment once I have become so attached.

I'm not sure you can understand it all unless G is willing to talk to you and explain things. He seems to have made it fairly clear that that is not the case. My opinion is that, even if G is perfect in every other way, it is important to be with somebody who is willing to at least make an effort to take care of your emotional needs. If you're telling a man that you love him, and you get "I know" in response, except for 6 occasions (once a year!?), there is a problem. If a man is not willing to change his acts which are upsetting or damaging, there is a problem (assuming you are being reasonable). Even though aspies lack empathy most should be quite capable of sympathy if the reason for your upset is spelled out in black and white for them; so, not making an effort to put himself in your shoes or see where you are coming from is also not ok imo.

I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to why G has cut himself off. Could it be about your age difference? I know it is not *that* big but, lets be honest, by any measure he is becoming an old man now. Maybe he doesn't want to inflict that on you? I dunno. Obviously there could be another reason taken from a list as long as my arm. Either way, unless G were to change in a few important ways and were to make an effort in future to take care of your emotional needs then, frankly, you are probably going to be better off in the end. I know hearing that doesn't help or change things now but, based on what you have written, that is truly what I believe. Good luck to you whatever happens x

I can relate. I tend to get exceedingly deeply involved but I also suffer terrible shutdowns. If this character is anything like me, he is "responding" to signals he believes he receives from you or your kids, feeling rejected in some way that probably owes to total misinterpretation of cues. If he is unable to trust you enough to articulate his reasons for his seemingly inexplicable withdrawing, and there's most likely a lot of embarrassment going on for him, then you probably should give him the boot. Your kids certainly don't need that sort of instability.

Well, I'm only 26 and the longest relationship I've had was about three and a half years, and I can only speak for myself...

...but much it does sound familiar. I've always had my ups and downs. I can't really help it. But I met my ex when I was feeling quite good. I practically never do this, but I asked her out and everything seemed to go smoothly. It's kind of a big step for me though, because it takes a lot of time and hard work to get to know someone - for me at least. After the first date I wasn't sure if I wanted a second or not, after the second I still wasn't sure if I wanted a third... Thing is, if he wanted to move in with you, and he does have Aspergers, that's probably a big move for him, and it shows he was at least trying hard - although every aspie is different, of course.

An avarage day can be quite stressful for us, though. Personally, I sometimes feel exhausted, especially when it feels like everything around me is changing, and I get really quiet. I kinda shut down, I guess. So although I wanted to be there for my ex, and I tried to be whenever I could, sometimes I just didn't feel up to it. I feel like I was willing to make compromises, and I thought we were doing OK, but she later explained she felt like I was holding her down, socially at least. I don't know how it was for you though. I didn't mind family visits or going out, but I never cared much for vacations or group sports. We tried out some sports, but I prefer doing some fitness alone, and I didn't mind going on vacations for one or two weeks at a time, but she wanted to make trips to Japan and Korea for 3-4 weeks, and that's a bit much for me.

I always hesitated to tell I loved her too. Although I cared for her deeply, I'm not sure I know what it really feels like to love someone. So maybe I didn't. Aspies don't like lying, so - and I don't want to suggest he didn't/doesn't love you - it can be hard to say when you haven't quite figured it out yet. She once mentioned something about not wanting to lose me, and it kinda scared me at that moment. I felt guilty because I'm pretty much used to being alone, and going back to that wouldn't be the end of the world for me. She made it sound like it would have been for her, at that moment anyway.

Anyway, at one point I got really depressed and I pushed her away. I just didn't feel good about myself, and felt like I wasn't right for her (or anyone). I also started sleeping less and less, stopped eating and I didn't have the energy to do anything. She knew what was going on, but it was hard to talk about it. She felt like she should give me some space, I felt like she didn't care, and after some time we decided to end the relationship. Well, I wanted to but couldn't do it, so she did.

Again, I don't know G so I can't tell you what he's feeling, but some stuff sounds familiar.

Invisiblesilent has said it superbly, word by word.

I just wanted to emphasize a few of the points more bluntly:

It doesn't matter if he's AS or not or what's going on inside him. He failed you at the most basic and important in a relationship - he doesn't respect you. And that's the only thing that should count for you. You're not his therapist - you're badly treated, you should run a mile and stay gone, period, no matter his neurology or psyche.

Most important now is to reassure your kids that this guy is gone because of his own issues and nothing you or your kids did wrong.

Some aspie men are jerks, same as some NT men, and it has NOTHING to do with neurology.

If there's a chance of this commitmentphobe ever coming back to you, it's if you stop psycho-analysing him, forget about him, get on with your life and if he ever tries to re-connect, make him first compensate you big time for all the damage. He may start respecting you then.

Thanks for posting your story. If it is Asperger's this is quite a common pattern.

If you are inclined there are two very good books on this subject I can recommend: "Loving Mr. Spock: Understanding a Lover with Asperger's Syndrome" (Barbara Jacobs) and the slightly more upbeat one: "Making an Aspergers Marriage Work" (Karen Bentley).

If it is Asperger's then unfortunately there is little you can really do but accept these behaviours. Saying "I love you" and having long deep emotional conversations are unlikely to happen often enough for you in an AS/NT relationship. If you cannot live with out this, then you are best being honest with yourself and letting go of the relationship. It's doubtful that you can fundamentally change these aspects of his personality.

In some other ways acknowledged some really positive points about "G", if you feel these outweigh the negatives then perhaps it's worth pursuing the relationship.

Jason.

Oh, this image from "Asperger Syndrome in Adulthood: A Comprehensive Guide for Clinicians" neatly explains how these relationship problems develop, it sounds a lot like you've described:



Does this sum up what happened to your relationship?

Jason

Your diagram doesn't take this into account:

The kind, attentive man that turns unkind and unattentive and refuses to explain why is a well-covered commitmentphobic pattern in the relationships literature.

Immense thanks to all for the thoughtful and insightful replies. While G has been kind and extremely thoughtful, he has just as often been aloof and even cruel. Not so much in words, but actions in which he would leave all of us at our most vulnerable of times and then wonder why I would be hurt?

I think part of the truth I must accept is that even beyond his social / empathetic concerns with asperger's, G is an extremely selfish man, very unwilling to try and change for the good of all. For years I have convinced myself otherwise because of a deep love for him. What makes it so perplexing is his extreme thoughtfulness and attention to our every need, at least in terms of non emotional things. Now I wonder if we too, as first suggested by invisiblesilent were only a project?

I appreciate the comments regarding his lack of respect for me and certainly need to hear this . . probably over and over again!! ! My modus operandi has always been to care for others to the point of forgiving any "mistreatment" of me as understandable. Doesn't fair well for my sense of self but my commitment to my boys is huge and that is why I asked G not to contact us. And I sense it needs to stay that way but still mourn the loss and the sadness surrounding what might have been, had we had the knowledge of asperger's . . and a willingness from G to make an effort. Just so very hard to be forgotten. It's as if I never existed. This I do not understand, could forgive if only the tiniest of words could be spoken, even words that said that he just stopped caring. But that feels incomprehensible to me, especially in regard to my boys.

Is this part of asperger's, i.e. to leave without explanation? To reach a point, even after years, of no longer being able to handle the daily struggles of family life? When he left we were definitely struggling with a huge difficulty . . . I am told by friends that he had no understanding that in leaving our home he left the relationship. Does it even matter?

NO. We already answered this above. Cruelty is NOT an autistic trait. As said above too, we're oblivious when we're not told black on white. Once told, most of us go out of our way to fix it and have people be happy with us.

The reason these commitmentphobes leave without an explanation is that the same way they can't commit to YES they can't commit to NO. In their convoluted minds, as long as they don't talk about it, they're leaving their door open should they ever want to come back. And as someone said above, it's always easier to get the woman to end it. You soooo need to read the famous "Men Who Can't Love" book.

I'm really tired of all these people coming in here to ask if their good-for-nothing OH should be forgiven because it's AS causing them to be jerks.

We.Are.Not.Jerks.By.Definition.

double post

Last edited by Moondust on 19 Aug 2012, 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Oh Moondust, I am so sorry! I don't know what OH stands for but I understand that I have offended and I deeply regret that.

"Cruel" is the word I use to describe an individual who would leave a family in a snow storm to travel to sunnier shores. Or a person who would leave his family when I child has a life-threatening experience. Certainly NOT asperger's.

I only meant: is it asperger behavior to leave because of personal need/ inability to cope, not recognizing the effect leaving has on others? I do not think G ever intended cruelty, but it felt mean and insensitive to me.

Everything I have read, including your comments suggests that aspies are extremely sensitive when they hear they've offended and quick to want to make things right. Though no one is a text-book example, G was not this way - irrespective of my gentle or harsh communications. I appreciate your directing me to learning more about commitophobes. Seems like a no-brainer but I'm a slow learner.

My apologies to you again. Please continue to write as I am learning so much from you and others.

Not all aspies are driven to correct something when they have been made aware it was wrong or offensive. Some rationalize it away to make it OK. And some just don't care. Aspies are no more benevolent or perfect on whole than any other category of human being. There are kind Aspies and jerk Aspies. Ones who want to make wrongs right, and ones who couldn't care less. Same as NTs or anyone else.

IMHO, I do think Aspergers could account for the behaviors you are describing--So could just being a plain old jerk--but I don't think there is anything wrong with you coming here to ask. In fact, I think it took courage and commend you for it. Too many "lay people" out there just have assumptions about people on the spectrum or only think to ask the "experts," most of whom do not have AS. I respect that you actually sought out a group of people with AS to ask for feedback.

I hope you find some kind of resolution, whether it be with or without this man. Sometimes love is not enough to sustain a relationship. I know that first hand.

I'm sorry for being so blunt, but bluntness IS a trait of AS, and when offended I'm even more blunt, or less willing to mask my bluntness.

I believe that you'd benefit enormeously from joining a support group or forum for victims of commitmentphobes. It's a devastating experience because you don't know what happened, you get no closure, you feel as if the relationship was all in your head for years, or like the guy's having a nervous breakdown or suddenly gone insane.

Also, I'm sure the book I mentioned will be an amazing eye-opener. The writer wasn't able at first to get the answers (from the men) that you're looking for in G either. He had to bribe them so they'd speak. So in the book you will find the answers from the very men who do this. Not G's answers, but the answers of similarly-motivated men. This is a healing experience because it gives you some of the closure one desperately needs at this stage.

I'd bet there's another woman in the picture too. As these men often use one woman to help them leave another. And I'd be skeptical about the reason he gave you for the end of his previous relationship. Chances are what happened is the same as what happened with you - he fled commitment.

I can see my only lasting relationship in this cycle. It lasted only for a year though. I'm sure I couldn't indicate my love in the usual way as it may have been expected, flowers, saying 'I love you', expressing empathy all the way, etc, even though I felt very affectionate. I think she might have had issues with relationships too, as soon I had found myself constantly accused for nothing. She wanted to have someone ideal but she couldn't. Needless to say that as a result I further cut back on niceties, only to making her appear even more demanding than before. This made me further distance myself. I was definitely in emotional overload. A part of me wanted to stop this torture but I couldn't, like others said, once the emotional bond is formed it's very very hard to break. I managed to do it finally (for the Nth try), and I felt miserable afterwards for months. Despite having it discussed and thought over many times and knowing rationally that we didn't match anyway it still hurts after almost two years.

Just to be a little contrary, I don't know based on what you said that "G" has AS. I am not saying he doesn't, but it could be other things too. Lots of guys don't communicate well. They don't all have AS.

Aspies may communicate poorly, and dodge conversations when we don't think we can handle them, but we tend to be loyal. I think after dating this long, and him living with you, you do at least deserve an explanation. If you ask him, he may be direct enough to give you one. I don't know if that is what you want, but sometimes people need that for closure.

Honestly though, I think you should move on. I know it is hard after so much time, but he does not sound worth it, to me.