Turning to a "special needs" group

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A local church has a people with "special needs" group. I'm getting so desperate for help with coping with my daily life that I've scheduled an appointment with their coordinator to talk about ways that they can help me. I'm so anxious about this for a few reasons. First, the last time I tried turning to a church they told me I was over reacting and that I should "stop throwing psychological terms around" and send me on my merry way. Secondly, I'm not diagnosed (yet), neither is my husband or suspected one year old son because he's too young. I feel like we're illegitimate impostors trying to take advantage of services that are set aside for people with "real" (diagnosed) problems. I just don't know what else to do! I feel like my depression and melt-downs are becoming out of control. I had a melt-down in a hotel room last week and when I eventually went outside, there was an entire family in a mini-van just staring at me. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out again. I'm barely eating, barely sleeping, barely able to get through a day. So, I found a special needs group at a local church...and agreed to meet with them. Do you think that this could help? I'm very high-functioning (generally speaking, when I'm not drowning in a pit of despair) so I feel like I'm not even going to "fit in" there either.

I had similar experiences several times and even with professional counselors, they let me know that i don't give a really suffering impression and this sucked, it made me feel mocked and ridiculed and i really felt turned down.

At some time i insisted that someone would talk to me and she said, dysthymic disorder, aka chronic depression, is a no brainer compared to major depression and i just ought to pull myself together.

The only time i could actually get my point across was when i got quite angry and asked if they would tell a person who has lost one eye that they shouldn't whine about it because there are others who have lost both eyes.

You could use such a comparison or you could tell them from the beginning that not every disorder is obvious but that doesn't mean you wouldn't need their help because you are indeed a person with special needs, and they way you appear is part of these needs. I'm afraid that's not really helpful, sorry.

Anyway, good luck.

I really hope that this works out for you. They're a church group, so it's likely they're not professionals--they may have some stereotypes about mental illness, like the idea that it's always got to be obvious, that you can't hold on for even ten minutes while you interact with others, that kind of thing. They might not know that autism can be present in people who are verbal and independent.

That you have a kid actually works in your favor. You want to be a good parent for him, and this struggle with mental illness is really taking a lot out of you. You want to be able to be there for him, to give him the sort of home that he'll find happy and secure; but right now, you're just low on energy. Tell those people that your anxiety and depression are getting the better of you; that your son has special needs but is too young for anyone to tell exactly what they are; that you want to be there for him, but are stressed out and anxious and depressed and you simply need somebody to support you. People aren't meant to raise children in isolation, and you're no exception.

Thanks for the thoughtful replies, they were more helpful than the actual meeting was! Basically, the lady told me that I need to join their "normal people" church groups and socialize more. She insisted that I would magically fit in this time, based on the fact that they're "nice people". She agree'd that we're probably going to be on waiting lists for months or years for a diagnosis and that there isn't a lot of help available in our region. I explained that the main problem is a lack of control of my melt downs and coping with life in general, along with poor communication with my husband - and that I feel that behavioral therapy would be a huge help. She seemingly ignored this and went on to explain to me that my "real" problem is "a need to feel valued and accepted". Uh, this is exactly what my therapist is doing, who tries to tell me that my "real" problem is "low self esteem". I'm telling them what my problem is, what I need is a solution, not their idea of what my problem actually is. Anyway, than she went on to explain that God wants me to be this way, and some theological stuff that I didn't particularly like...and I decided that it was time to leave.

f**k going to church for special needs support, all they're likely to tell you is to look to god for aid. Help yourself, go to a doctor. Do it for the sake of your son.

She is going to a therapist, and is on the (long) waiting list for an evaluation. Turning to God instead of a doctor for medical problems doesn't tend to turn out well--most churches, thankfully, are made of sensible people who will say, "You're sick? Sure, we'll pray--but God also gave those good folks at the hospital the brains to become doctors, so you go on over there before we pack you up and take you there ourselves."
I feel like I have to explain this, since I've had a lot of interaction with church-going types (I'm Christian but not currently church-going myself)...

First, I can totally see why you were frustrated; you had valid reasons for your frustration. I do understand why she told you "God wants you to be this way", because that's how I feel about my own autism: I believe that God made me autistic, that it was not a mistake; that I'm autistic because I was born into a place where the world needed a person just like me; that I'm supposed to be the way I am--that it's not wrong or shameful, that I'm a child of God and valued by Him. But I don't know if she managed to convey that to you. I hope you can understand it as a message of encouragement, because that's how I see it, and how I hope she saw it, too.

In my experience, people in churches (not counting the extremist fundamentalist types, whom you should stay very far away from) have been rather accepting of me and my differences. They don't always understand, but they tend to say things like, "Well, it's okay to be different," and "God loves you the way you are," and things like that. They're generally reasonable people, and if they have faults, it's usually traditionalism and a tendency to gossip. If you want to socialize, sure, getting into their social groups would be a decent idea. But it is probably very frustrating to you to get those recommendations, because socialization isn't what you needed and isn't what you asked for.

Were you able to make specific requests? For example: "I would like someone to babysit my son for a few hours once a week so I can relax and/or have a "date" with my husband." Or, "I would like to join a parenting group and ask other parents for tips." Or, "I need someone to call and talk to when I am feeling upset." If you can make specific requests when you are getting help, that is usually easier for them to follow through on.

I'm sorry this didn't work out for you. I wish it had. It sounds like they simply didn't have the resources you needed, and didn't really know how to help you.

She isn't going to help you. Her responses brushed your problems under the carpet and she then implied that if only you made an effort and came to church and the groups more that you would feel valued and accepted and everything would be fine. Perhaps she is well meaning but she either can't understand or finds it more convenient to NOT understand your problems. I'm sorry you didn't get the help you need; it really is a ridiculously frustrating experience isn't it? You go through life hearing "you needn't suffer alone, all you need to do is reach out and people will help you". It's a horrible feeling when you learn that that statement is just another platitude.

I would think a special needs group at church would be orientated toward helping people access the church service (for instance helping the hard of hearing or arranging a calm down area for someone with sensory issues, or ramps for wheelchairs), rather than general support.

You might try seeking out a post partum depression group. While they can't address all the issues you're dealing with, they could definitely understand the parts that have to do with being overwhelmed by a baby.

If you are in the US, have you tried contacting Early Intervention for an evaluation? In CA at least, you can request a screening directly without going through your child's pediatrician.

I'd also try to find a support group for parents of kids with autism. You don't have to get the diagnosis first, and the members can help steer you toward the doctors and therapists who are most likely to help.