Afraid of evaluation

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I'm having a hard time because I found out I'm on the spectrum somewhere only months ago when I was 29. I've also known I've had bi-polar for about 5 years. I only started taking medication for that last month, seroquel and zoloft. They both seem to work a tiny bit but not enough. The 300mg of seroquel the doctor said would make me go to sleep doesn't even make me drowsy. I stay up over 24 hours most days. And that lack of sleep seems to add to the mania. And now with this combination I feel like it's causing depression. I'm going to call the doctor soon.

But then I have Aspergers most likely. Reading about it and talking to others with it it's like a light clicks on. My symptoms seem different than others with it though. I feel like I'm a step past Aspergers a bit worse on the spectrum. I don't understand people and I fear them greatly. I block people out. I almost never speak outloud. I can't look myself in the mirror, it's so creepy. I can't talk on the phone. It's hard to take a shower, the water is so hard to get the right temp and I hate the noise of it. When I walk I stare at the ground. I cannot look another person in the eye. My mind goes down deep rabit holes and the mania attaches to that and I get obsessed with topics or information. I don't memorize numbers or anything though.

I was bullied my entire childhood for being different I guess, being an easy target. So 10 or so years of being bullied, abused, and having people use me for money when I thought they were my friend but they just used me. I can't tell if a person is genuine or not. I fear that there is too great a chance any given individual could be mean so logically it's best to stay away from everyone. All the people in my past I trusted turned from me, and some of that might have been because of me, because sometimes I have to be alone. Now I always have to be alone.

I have an evaluation to get officially diagnosed next week. I'm going to be going over and over in my mind all the possible scenario's of the visit that I can think of for hours each day and many hours before the visit probably not sleeping that night. I'm scared what is next. Is there help? Will I always be like this and alone?

And what if the guy says I am not on the spectrum. That would be devastating because then what am I? I don't even feel like a human. I understand computer language better than I do human language with all it's very strange ways. Why did everyone else get the "social manual" and I didn't?

I've lived 30 years but I am a scared 12 year old boy in my mind and I'm living on my own scared to death and I worry I won't get help. It will be a miracle if I even trust this doctor to come back more than once, and probably they would refer me to another place which medicaid doesn't cover so how could I go anyway?

And I have a strong belief in God and I constantly hate myself for being so selfish and not helping others or being able to go to church (I used to drink a few beers or wine just to go, that really gave me guilt).

So I'm a Christian with bi-polar on the autism spectrum. Talk about being on the wrong planet. I mean this almost seems like a joke. Sometimes I wonder if I died and this is hell, and endless loop of increasing destruction due to sin. This really does feel like hell.

I used to do psychedelics to try and figure out my mind and some helped but I had a few very bad trips (mostly trypts, phens and dissociatives didn't bother me). In these trips I felt such a vivid view of hell and I saw this life being a big game to torture me forever.

I don't like being in this constant state of fear. It's a rock and a hard place because I am too scared to be around doctors. I only go to my family doctor I've went to for 15 years because I trust him. I talk to him, and my mom, that's it. He helps with the bi-polar meds and his son has Aspergers so he knows a lot about it so he said once I got the evaluation there would be "opportunities" that could open up which I have no idea what it means.

I wish I knew others who spoke my language and saw the world the way I do. I'm just so unique I see myself always being alone. My only hope is in Christ. And I'm terrified of death and facing a Holy God with all my sin. It's hard for me to accept forgiveness.

Finding out wouldn't change a thing, it's only a state of mind if it effects you. You've either had it, or you haven't (for 29 years?) and haven't thought anything about it up until it was mentioned you may be on the spectrum. If you get diagnosed with it, learn how to cope and accept yourself. It takes time, but things are a lot brighter once you do.
Smile Smile Smile

And I have no special skills, which seems to be the best part about Aspergers. I had 4 different majors in college, never planning to go into anything, I just took whatever held my interest. Now I watch the History channel and Military stuff.

All I'm good at is watching movies. I'm very good with computers but I hate fixing them and I don't know how to develop software or anything. I just understand the computer. When something is wrong with a few key strokes I know what's wrong almost like it tells me.

It's tough because my outlook for the future is so dim. I'm bi-polar with medication that isn't working and could take years to work giving me severe mania and depression and I have a severe case of Aspergers with no skills and no job experience at age 30. Plus I have a few DWI's when I used to drink to be around people. And there was the night I graduated and drank too much with my medication and went outside in my underwear and threw a lawn chair through my neighbors sliding glass door while he almost shot me with a shotgun. So that gave me a misd attempted b@e charge even though I didn't understand it wasn't my house I thought it was my house and there was a stranger with a gun inside!

I'm screwed without a miracle. So many suicidal cries for help the past 15 years along with a few very close calls. I have well over 100 scars all over my body from cutting, burning, car accidents, punching through windows, etc...

I'm stable with all that now, but man with my past I really feel like I am TOTALLY SCREWED. Very hard to find the motivation to do anything. The fear of death is only slightly greater than the dread of living.

I'm untalented and not overly smrat, and reality is I'll be living on disability most of my life. It's not as though you've just developed AS, you're born with it. The news will only change you if you let it. Nothing will be different and you'll still be the same person as you were the day before.

I too am a Christian who doesn't go to church due to fears (mostly religiously based and complicated) who is an undiagnosed person that most likely has Asperger's Syndrome. You are not alone. What you are lacking though that I have come to terms with is pragmatism. The beautiful thing about Christianity is that salvation is not based upon your ability to perform. Thus, God knows you will always be flawed and yet still chose to save you despite this fact. I gave up on trying to be worthy of His love and just started obeying Him out of love and faith. Why love? In gratitude for what He did on the Cross. Why Faith? Because if I trust Him to save me from hell then I should also trust him with the more mundane parts of my life too. However, please do not think I can live up to some unrealistic ideal of perfection that man can never meet. I have my pet sins that I struggle with, just like every other person who has ever lived. This means that I am human, fallen and in need of a Savior, not doomed for eternity (unless I do not accept salvation). Heck, even the Apostle Paul had his struggles with sin and yet Christ told him that His grace was sufficient. Please stop trying to crucify yourself to pay for your own sins. It is a debt you are incapable of paying. Instead, learn to trust in Jesus and what He did for you.

As far as it goes, you are not the only one that fears going for a diagnosis. I do too, for many of the same reasons you do. I feel that with Asperger's I have found the explanation for why my life has had many of it's issues over the years. If I am told I don't have it then I have to start from scratch again. There are other people on here who feel the same way too. However, just because you may not fit the criteria for the autistic spectrum doesn't mean you do not have similar issues that can be explained by other disorders. It is important to figure out why you have these issues so that you can get a roadmap for moving forward with your life.

Thanks for the replies. Yea 29 years and about 3 counselors, a few psychologists, and about 6 psychiatrists and I was diagnosed at 15 ADD, then at 17 Depression and social phobia, then in my early 20's borderline personality disorder, then PTSD from a bad childhood.

Just so strange one day a doctor noticed I wasn't making eye contact and the lights were bothering my eyes and he asked more questions then within a few weeks I go back in my life and see all the failure and what could have been if I had only known 15 years ago. It upsets me I went through all that always thinking I was just crazy and nothing would ever help as I went through all the SSRI's and many anti-psychotics (turns out I need both at the same time).

And yea, as for church, I like absolutes at truth. Each church in the world has minor different beliefs (I am well read in Theology and am confident on the basics of it), but then there are churches that believe in one kind of baptism and another church does it another way. Same with music. And people act like it's not a big deal well there is a Holy God and I don't want to anger Him for one thing. Then there are the churches that believe in common active miracles and spiritual gifts like tongues and it confuses me because I don't understand how they can be so deceived to think they are speaking some heavenly language. I mean the Bible is clear on those gifts and their purpose and they would have zero purpose today. I do believe in a few stories of missionaries speaking in other languages to spread the Gospel, but that's pushing it for me.

People just crave emotions. They want that dopamine release. Everyone gets high on something. Drugs, skydiving, and even some in church!

I mean I would kill myself right now if I didn't have faith in Christ. But it's tough because I feel like a soldier who is sleeping at the post. I should be helping people, even if it's volunteer work, but I can't force myself outside the door.

So frustrating. All the things I love and crave to do there is an opposite force of fear that stops them from happening.

Yea I wan't therapy, I'm just so nervous because it is very hard to build a rapport or any trust with me.

Doctors considered selective mutism before, but I never got that as an official diagnosis. I do hold most of my thoughts in my head because I believe no one else either wants to hear them, or they won't understand them.

I'm really hoping I meet people here I can type with and relate to with. I just want some friends, even if it's just by typed words online.

I don't want to be an annoying person that is always whining about problems and wanting attention and a pat on the back daily. But I do wish to have friends who care enough to maybe ask how I'm doing every once and a while out of genuine care.

But I've known people who talk so much and won't let you leave the room and it's annoying to everyone and I just assume stay silent and if someone wants my opinion they will ask me. It's just I don't know anyone on the Autism Spectrum and it's a very lonely place. And it's a lot worse since I moved into my first apartment alone this year and I had to leave my dog I've had for 10 years with my parents since they don't allow dogs. And I fear almost everyday of getting a phone call that she's sick. She's my only friend. I do talk to my mom though, but 99% on email maybe 3-5 emails a day. When I go to her house to do laundry I can't look at her or talk to her, that's pretty confusing.

But at least AS explains some of these things. I have medicaid but I hear that won't pay for therapy and I'm on SSI and come up short on the bills every month so I have no clue how I will get any therapy.

You are very courageous Im quite blown away by it.
You are also very good at expressing yourself in written form.
Keep Doing your best and good luck.

I too have a DX coming up, and its always scary being "the patient" due to some surrender of control. Plus it's practically at my wife's demand, so in a way it feels forced.

Anyhow, I am attempting to use Meetup to connect with Aspies in my area. But that's just an example. If there's any way you could meet some yourself, who have common ground and understanding, it could be a real step in the right direction.

Ditto; I was going to say something a lot like that. God makes autistics and bipolar folks too; and he doesn't consider us defective people. He doesn't want you to be "normal"; he loves you for who you are. That's always been an encouraging thought to me. I also don't go to church, because of lack of transportation, lack of energy, and inability to find one where I can get a ride that doesn't also put down gay people for being different (I've never experienced that kind of prejudice personally; I'm asexual and they don't have a problem with that, but I do have gay friends and I can't sit there and listen to a preacher telling me those people are unacceptable). All I can do is hope I will find a way to meet with other Christians sometime in the future, and do the best I can on my own. It would be good to have some support--especially since, as a scientist, I am surrounded by people who believe only in the material world--but I've had to resign myself to the fact that for the time being, I'm going it alone.

I hope you pull out of your mania soon and can get some sleep. That does not sound fun at all. You say you can talk to your mom: Could you take her with you to the evaluation? It would be a way of getting moral support, and it would even help them get a more comprehensive picture of your symptoms, because your mom remembers you when you were little and can give them information about your early childhood.