Stepfather with Asperger's

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My stepfather has been with my mother for almost twenty years. They began dating when I was 13 (I'm now 31). Basically, after receiving my degree in Special Education and working with students with disabilities (including ASD) it dawned on me that he has Asperger's. Granted I don't have the qualifications to "diagnose" (never been a fan of that term), but the more I'm around him the more I can attribute his behavior to Asperger's. Last night he didn't get my sarcasm when I made a comment about the latest Coca-Cola commercial (Me: "Right. I'm sure all those athletes drink a Coke after a big workout." Him: They're probably just drinking it because they're getting paid to be in a commercial.")

My concern is that it's becoming increasingly difficult to be around him. I'm finding it's very different having a stepfather with AS than having students with AS. When I try to have a conversation with him it becomes very one sided. There is no back and forth. He doesn't take into consideration my thoughts, experiences, education, etc. He's incredibly arrogant with his opinions and is incapable of changing them when others present new information. For example, we just had a huge blowup over an issue in American education. He hasn't been in school in over 40 years! Meanwhile, I've been teaching for ten years and just completed my master's in Educational Policy Studies. Common sense would lead one to believe that I have more knowledge on the issue than he does. Anyway, he simply continued to put me down and didn't listen to anything I had to say. Knowing the conversation wasn't going anywhere, I simply stopped replying and attempted to change the subject. He wouldn't let it go. I left the house frustrated and upset.

My question is, especially to those with AS, does knowing you have AS affect your interactions with others? I'm wondering if I should tell him that I think he may have AS and that it affects his relationships (he and my mom almost got divorced a year ago). What is the best way to handle heated situations with him?

Thank you so much!

Something I think you really need to consider here is not whether knowing he has Aspergers/Autism would impact on his interacts, but whether or not he'd accept that he has it.

If he thinks he's always right, then it may be very hard for me to accept that there is something 'wrong' with him, or the way he interacts with people. :/ Just a thought.

Thanks for the reply, and I think you're probably right. I realize part of it is wishful thinking, and part of it is my own inability let things roll of my back.

I have this same issue in conversation, but I am on the other end, if you know what I mean. It makes me upset because I KNOW I am increasingly difficult to talk to. I have a best friend and I love her with ALL my heart but I know that if we get deep into a conversation I will completely mess it up.

It is hard for me to KNOW what she is looking for in a conversation and I really don't know how to just say what someone needs to hear at a given time. Like your coca-cola example, I do that a lot and she thinks I play oblivious.

I want to know, from your perspective, what would make it better between you and your stepfather? What could HE do to help improve communication between the two of you?

I'm always a bit suspicious when others diagnose. I'm sure there's a reason why it takes 13-14 years (5 years MD, 2 year foundation, 3 years specialist training, 3 years higher specialist training) of study to become a psychiatrist.

In my own case though, im pretty similar, i'm as stubborn as they come and the diagnoses definitely altered my interactions with others, mainly because others interactions altered with me. I won't go into detail but I basically just disowned every single family member I had.

The way I see it, its not my concern if people find it "increasing difficult to be around" me, it's not a requirement I place upon them. If they do feel that way, their free to get lost. It's the same as saying "I don't like who you are, be someone else".

Don't forget too that with older people you are also dealing with a decline in neuroplasticity, not just a learning disability. Thus, they are far less likely to learn new things and change their viewpoints than are people who are younger. I find this to be the case with my own step dad that I suspect of being somewhere on the spectrum as well as a few neurotypical people who are 60+ that I interact with on a regular basis.