How do you deal with losing games?

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I've always been a bit of a sore loser when it comes to games. With group games where multiple people lose, or when we're split into teams, it's not a big deal. I actually love games when that's the case. However, when I'm playing one-on-one with someone, I have a much harder time tolerating it when I lose. I know people say, "Just have fun!", but I can't. I don't see how it's supposed to be fun if I'm losing. When a game is one-on-one, I feel like the objective is to win. There is no "fun" value related to it. I've always been baffled when I saw people around me lose a game gracefully. Whenever I lose a game, I don't want to play again. My boyfriend is always asking me to play games that, by coincidence, I happen to be pretty bad at. Knowing that I will almost definitely lose, I refuse to play, no matter how much he asks. I know I get ugly when I lose, and the small satisfaction that comes from sometimes winning is not enough to make up for all the stress I'm under when I'm not sure if I WILL win or not.

So I've been reading about this, and it seems that having trouble losing at games happens with a lot of Aspies. Unfortunately, the only places of information that I'm finding overlap on this is on parenting blogs, where neurotypical parents of children with Asperger's are trying to teach kids to be okay with losing. But I'm a grown adult dealing with this problem. Techniques for kids aren't going to work on me. As well, these parents can only see it from the parents' point of view. They see a child being upset. They don't know exactly what's going through the kid's head when they get upset. It seems like they're trying to treat the symptoms without understanding the underlying cause. So, I ask of fellow Aspies, how do you tolerate losing at games? Has anyone here had this problem, but gotten over it? If so, do you have any advice other than, "Just have fun!"? Because as far as I see it, one-on-one games are less tools of fun than they are perfectly-crafted tools of inducing stress and humiliation.

Do the people to whom you lose gloat and tease you? My husband will not play cribbage with me anymore because he considers me a sore loser. I don't mind the losing--really!--it's all the teasing that upsets me.

In my youth, I was banned from family games of Monopoly. I've never really gotten past it, I've jsut learned to be less vocal about it.

I used to get upset when I was little when I lost games, even simple games like snakes and ladders. I used to get angry, yell at the person who won, then storm out of the room. As I got older I started to not let it bother me so much. I do get embarrassed when I lose in bowling, but that's because I lose every time. But I don't get upset any more.

I've always been fine with it, but that's because I've never experienced the joy of winning to compare.

No, not really. My boyfriend doesn't. He knows I have enough trouble handling it when I lose. If he gloated, I would probably go over the edge. I don't usually play games with other people. When I'm visiting my family, I may play games with my brothers. They like to tease each other, but they don't gloat. However, I have one brother that's even worse at losing games than I am (and I also strongly suspect that he in on the spectrum, as well.) So even if there was a temptation to gloat, it has pretty much been stomped out.

I just know that (with games of skill), I tried my best, and I lost. That's a really sucky feeling, no matter what context it happens in. If I lose a game of luck, the part of me that thinks, "well, good things can never happen to me, anyway" gets reinforced... which is not only a sucky feeling, but gives me a worse outlook when it comes to taking risks with more serious matters (for instance, wanting to start a business, or undergoing a tricky medical procedure.)

Last edited by CanisMajor on 30 Aug 2012, 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm known to be ultra competetive, but although I hate to lose, I'm not really a bad loser.

Having said that, maybe people that know me would say different.

I don't have much of a problem in this area. I can reason that it is just a game and I don't gloat about winning or sulk about winning (at least not openly). However, people don't always like playing against me in things because of my intensity. I also have the opposite problem when playing a friend in pool. He can't always take losing and so will want to quit and leave the pool hall after not having won a game against me in 3 or 4 tries. I find it quite annoying as I enjoy playing the game and I am not mean or disrespectful towards him when I win. I know that I don't like it when people do that to me so I try not to visit that upon others.

My brother was usually a lot worse than me when he lost to a video game when we were kids. He'd be so frustrated that he would grab, punch and scream at me! I think he blamed me for losing even if I was just sitting and watching him. Maybe I did make it harder for him to concentrate. I play my games alone nearly all the time now but I've noticed that I mess up a lot more when being watched or playing against someone. It's hard for me to do anything as well when people are staring, except singing or public speaking, the last one I hear most people fear even more than death. Weird, huh?

I'm really bad with games, I usually avoid games if they're not skill based coz I can't control if I win or lose. I didn't really realise how competitive I am until I ended up playing Scrabble a few weeks ago and getting really worked up about it to the point of quitting halfway through. My family made me play a TV game show once and I got so stressed about choosing A B C or D that I went really hot and shaky, then totally snapped at them for making me play. At school when the kids want me to play hide and seek with them (I work in an afterschool club), I use the excuse that 'adults aren't allowed to hide' so that I can always find them because I wouldn't want to get found. It's one of my personality traits I really don't like!

With my partner, I get really stroppy if I don't win. With friends (some of us will get together to play various board games occasionally), we all swear at each other anyway, and one of my friends is a much worse loser than me.

I'm not too bad now but when I was a kid, WATCH OUT if I lost, especially if it was very close. My brother is a master chess player and whenever he beat me in 6 moves (all the time) I would take the expensive board and launch it across the room. If it was Nintendo, I would launch the controllers at the wall (broke enough of them). I'm not so bad with losing now, but if I or my team puts in a poor effort, I have been known to break a few hockey sticks. Generally, I'm very competitive like many men but also very clean and sportsmanlike. However that doesn't mean that I have any issue running up a score nor do I have any issue if anyone does it to me provided they don't start gloating and I don't understand why this would bother anyone anymore than losing a close game.

Like I once mentioned, I was the kid in school where BOTH teams would cheer when I would mess up so I learned to get angry as a coping mechanism and have only recently learned to get it under control. I can get a little bit of a poor sport when I'm playing jerks but generally I'm very fair and respectful win or lose. Besides, in minor baseball you couldn't show ANY anger or frustration near an umpire or it was automatic ejection without warning so I had to learn at an early age to control it at least a few times.

I never play games one-on-one because I'd rather do things as part of a team. And If I am going to play one-on-one, I do it knowing full well that my likelihood of losing is high. If I lose in a team game where everyone's skills are evenly matched, I tell myself, "you win some, you lose some".

I hate losing games I have broke many keyboards and game controllers. with online games like mmos I quickly learned not to play with the losers are they always lose. I played wow from 06 and stopped in 09. during that time I was in the one of the top 10 guilds in the world. I always played with the winners because I like to win. I dont even play moba games anymore. my short fuse with my rage on top of my monotone voice would get rid of bad players. I love to point out peoples f**k ups so they can correct themselves. top end players really like this as they dont make many mistakes but bad players seem to really hate it as I will go on on and pointing out every little thing.



with board games when I lose it takes a lot of self control to not go off unless its my first time playing.


I dont take losing very well.

When I was a kid, I would throw a tantrum if I lost.
Now as an adult, unless there is money involved, my reaction is "Whatever".
The whole point is to have fun, so as long as I am having fun, I don't care.

I always have been, and still am, a TERRIBLE loser!! ! I try to avoid playing games as best I can these days, which is sad, coz I do enjoy them. I used to have bad reactions to losing board games, as well as computer games...

What causes this with Aspies do you think?