Left outside of a conversation

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Hi,

Do you ever get left outside of a conversation? No one even looks in your direction to include you? If you have company in your house and that happens (middle aged adults) is it okay to walk away?

Thank you, LM

This does happen to me. I think it would be okay to say "Excuse me" and then go do something else. I've for sure left company that was at my house when I hit my socilization limit, and I'm sure I sometimes just snuck away and hid in my room, but it is better to flee than stay and hate it.

Yes, more than once. Fortunately, one NT was kind enough to explain to me that she left me out because she assumed based on my body language that her topics bored me (and they really did). NTs rarely explain why they do certain things to me.

If it bored you, being left out probably wouldn't have been a big deal.

I think the OP is talking about conversations where others speak as if he isn't there, even though they all know he's there. It's like some sort of mutual exclusion that the NTs simply adhere to without thought or concern for how the aspie is feelings. It's actually quite rude.

happens to me all the time. its even worse when the conversation is about me.

Do I ever NOT get left outside of a conversation?

Happens sometimes. I once had a very helpful discussion about it. According to a girl in my class, some people feel just as socially awkward around me as I around them. She said she had stopped trying to talk to me because I gave the impression that I wanted to be left alone, and she didn't know how to treat me because I was so "mysterious" and quiet.

Most of the time it probably helps to try and show that you're still interested in the conversation.

Obvious as this may seem, it's an important insight for me. At least it helps me get a glimpse of what happens on the other side.

As a general rule, I'd say that if you are often left outside of a conversation or even get frown upon for trying to participate it is probably because they don't deserve your company, quite seriously. You may also think you are incompatible. It is their fault, not yours (at least more so than yours in most cases), pick people with whom you can have conversations (meaningful or not). As a temporary solution, try to just listen to them, and try to speak when there are fewer people, maybe only one. It can help to gather some experience with them. Sometimes it is just not appropriate to participate in a conversation. It could be a situation where politics apply (sucking up to the boss is a common example). Don't get involved in such activities, they are BS.

Thank you, all - LM

I never get included in a conversation unless:

1. I'm saying something bizarre
2. I'm showing emotion (rare)
3. The people are friends that care about me (I have a few who alternate between showing this care and being aloof, and I can't tell why).

These are not normal situations, so yes, I get left out all the time. Got used to the inherent rudeness of humanity.

They left me out because they thought I was a snob, but their exclusion MADE me a snob. Go figure.

Yes - about being thought a snob - I see this topic on another new post - I was called stuck up in my teens a lot - I wonder if people think that of me now? Exactly - 'made to be' - you are called names, excluded, and 'back-when' I was bullied so badly - yet what do you do? Now, I don't know - the dance is a little different. Maybe when we are younger, our peers can be more outwardly harsh - but, as I get older I find there are more subtle interactions to navigate - and, okay - older people can be outwardly harsh, too - but there are changes. People make snide remarks or drop hints and I am never sure if they are at me or where the come from. Some things I have learned to just let go, yet when I am 'stuck' in a situation - it gets very uncomfortable. I don't know what to do and then the 'pleaser' in me comes out if I can't 'avoid' - and then I feel angry because I don't know if I have done something I should be sorry for and correct myself or if I am giving up something of myself and shorting myself an experience for no good reason. Sheesh.

I appreciate all of your responses.

That happens to me a lot. They'll ignore me and anything I try to say on a permanent basis, then complain that I don't participate in the conversations.

I often feel left out of conversations. All my life I've been trying to join in, and nobody's listening. And it's nothing to do with finding a gap because I hate interrupting people mid-sentence, and I never do it, so even if I do find a gap I still get mis-heard. It causes a lot of social anxiety, now as I've got older I don't bother to say much any more when there's a group of people because I know what will happen. People don't mean to do it in a nasty way, it's because they know I'm often quiet so they kind of forget about me.

I get this a lot. I was at a meal with a lot of friends recently and found myself sitting in the middle of the table. The friends I'm closest to and can talk to more easily were at either end. I was with one person I'd class as a friend, another person I've known for a long time but not very well, and her boyfriend who I'd never met before. The boyfriend was doing a lot of talking and didn't even look at me once..and I thought I was the one who was meant to be bad with eye contact!

I also get this a lot with certain people at work when we're talking socially. Lots of them know each other and see each other socially. I always try to include new people in conversations because I know how horrendously awkward it can be, but I worry that in these situations I come across as so awkward, it puts people off talking to me.

Sometimes this does happen yeah. Particularly if it's my father and his friends or mutual friends he's talking to. He knows I have aspergers, but never really bothered to research it or understand it so...yeah.

But my friends and brother and stuff always try to make sure i'm included, even when I don't want to be