Is THIS Denial ?

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Ok .. my husband recently found out he has Aspergers. He is extremely relieved and accepting of his diagnosis He's reading all the books, and information to learn and understand more. Which initially I thought would be a good thing. However, as it's turning out .. it's not benefiting us I hoped it would . He's now using Aspergers as a reason to continue to NOT try to improve upon our relationship. Does that make sense ?? He says he understands the 'area's' where he is deficient, but can't change because he has Aspergers. It seems the responsibility of learning to communicate and adapt, is solely upon me .. ( as far as he's concerned.) I'm very confused ..

Any effort or attempt to discuss this with him, is met with his avoidance or silence. It's almost like, in one way, he's gotten worse in communicating with me, AFTER the diagnosis .. than he was before. Is it possible to accept the diagnosis, but be in denial of the impact it has on others ?? How do I resolve this ? Any thoughts ? Thanks

~ Charrah

aspergers does not mean you can never change. what it sounds like is that the aspects hes avoiding were always hard for him but now he has an excuse.

Yes Chris.. I think you may be right ! ! and thanks for your reply Next question is .. how can it be better managed ?

~ Charrah

You say to him: "As you've read, those with Asperger's like bluntness and directness, so I'm going to be direct with you..." Then you tell him all the things that you told us here.

One of the reasons many of these relationships fail is because 1) The Aspie refused to listen AND 2) The NT fails to actually tell the Aspie how she's feeling. Like, flat out openly.

In your case, both are going on. You can't control number 1, but the second is all on you here, Charrah.

Well believe it or not AS can prevent people from doing things...otherwise it would not be considered a disability. However its not an excuse to not work on a relationship one is in if it needs working on. Sounds like he is confusing having difficulties with communication and maybe even general functioning as not being able to work on a relationship or communication within it.

Maybe try explaining well if he'll even talk about it that by wanting him to work on communication in the relationship and such, you aren't demanding that he becomes neurotypical. I mean while he should be willing to work towards a good relationship, you should also try to understand autism isn't something that is going to go away...so the symptoms are still going to exist. If he is not willing to even discuss how to improve communication in the relationship and such then I hate to say it but its likely not to work. Both people in a relationship are required to keep it working.

I'm in the middle here. I don't know how old your husband is, but I was fifty one when I figured out I was somewhere on the spectrum. That was two years ago this month. And I'm still figuring things out and coming to terms with things. So I think you're being somewhat impatient, to expect that he's going to figure all this out in a short amount of time. Of course, you don't have the firsthand experience of what it's like to grow up not understanding so much that you could spend two years and more re-evaluating your past, so it is no doubt also unrealistic to expect you to understand unless you have it spelled out.

Also, there are things we can't change. I'm not saying we're not capable of change, but no one can change everything about themselves.

On the other hand, once he's had a little time to come to terms with this - and remember, he's dealing with a lot of memories of being blamed for things he couldn't possibly have helped, etc. which are going to push him in a direction where "I was right all along" is an easy way to go - he does have to start figuring out what he can change,and what he can at least manage. I don't think it's right to put the entire burden on you. The fact that he has more understanding of himself does give him more ability to work out ways to deal with how he works, and he should do that.

Now, back on the other side: we also do spend our whole lives changing and adapting as best we can. At least we understand that we don't understand the rest of the world. They never figure out that they don't understand us - they just think we need to change. So we do get tired of it, or at least I have. I think you need to make a real effort to understand him, and make what changes for him that you're able to, in order to demonstrate it isn't going to be more of the same old, one-sided "become just like us or suffer" pressure. If he doesn't see that it's going to be different, I'm not sure he's going to figure it's worth putting extra effort in.

I'm not trying to be harsh on you. I just see both sides of it - and it took me most of the last two years to get that far. You see your side, but not his - and I'm pretty sure he's all wrapped up in seeing his own side right now, and paying no attention to yours. It is going to take time and work - from both of you - to get beyond that. I don't know if I've been very clear, but feel free to let me know if you don't understand the point of anything I've said.

If you want to prove to him that it can be done, get him the book _The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband_ by David Finch.

Thank you for your insights.. everyone it has really helped out me a lot. All of this is so overwhelming, it's like I've been given a completely different road map to the one I've been using since forever .. and asked to navigate through a field of land mines. Oh .. and the map is in Swahili ! And also .. the only one who can begin to tell me how to navigate the map.. doesn't want to TALK ABOUT IT !

I don't expect my husband to become a neurotypical, I only ask for guidance from him , on how to better communicate with him , respectfully and lovingly. But I agree.. what chance does our relationship have, if he won't reciprocate or participate ?? Because he thinks his Aspegers gives him an 'valid' excuse . ?


Thanks again ...
~ Charrah

Have you tried writing instead? A lot of us are better at expressing complicated emotional issues in writing. You could initiate an email correspondence with him, even though that might seem strange to you.

I just realised I failed to mention the most important point in reply to your post. I did not mean to imply that you expect your husband to become neurotypical. I'm sorry if that's what you thought. The point I was making was that most of the world has expected that, and will continue to expect that. So, no matter what you do, all his reactions will be in the context of that larger pressure.

I agree you're in a difficult position as well. The thing to remember is, first: your husband was handed a different map, in Old Sanskrit, to guide him through the minefields of his life... Then he finds out that wasn't the map he should have been using all along. And that he was right in saying he couldn't read the old map. So he's going to need time. He does need to get over it, but he also needs some time, just to absorb this, to come to terms with it. It is more overwhelming than I think you can imagine. (Two years later, it doesn't happen as often, but there are still times I stop in my tracks, because I've just figured something out from my past that never made sense before.)

And, even if this isn't great for you, it is hard to blame someone who was attacked all his life for being "wrong", when he knew that at times he wasn't, if when he finally discovers that it wasn't all him, he spends a little while focusing on how right he was. I'm not saying he ought to stay there. And I am sorry it's rough on you. But I've been there, and the lure of it is pretty hard to resist, after a lifetime of the utter opposite. Don't give him a free pass, but do give him time to process this (in fact, that's one thing many of us need even in ordinary situations, is more time to process things) and then let him know he needs to work with you. Show him this post, to let him see it's not just you. But give him time first.

One thing you may not understand about us, or at least some of us, is that if you push too hard and too fast, you make us more resistant. And adjusting after a discovery like this one is a slow process. The older he is, the harder that adjustment will be, but at twenty, if I'd been handed the answer on a silver platter, I'd have taken a while to sort it all out. So he needs time to get used to it, and to slowly, gently come to an understanding that there are things he needs to work on. You're naturally excited that this offers hope of sorting things out between you, but it is likely to go much better if you let it happen slowly.

Last edited by theWanderer on 07 Sep 2012, 4:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I agree completely with this: it is easier than talking because it allows time to think things over, without someone waiting for an answer. Depending on your husband, e-mail is one option, but for me, personally, I'd say paper would be even better. (But that's a personal quirk; I'm not saying you should use paper, only that you should think about what might suit your husband best.)

Discovering one is on the spectrum is a life changing event. There's no telling what things he'll want to do different from now on in light of this huge revelation. If I were you, I wouldn't be thinking now of how to make him work on the relationship, I'd be wondering if he'll want to stay in the relationship at all.

As mentioned above, it'll probably take time, likely years for your husband to adapt to the new reality and go back to a balance. And he'll probably swing to the other extreme before that. The extreme of NOT trying to fit in with expectations, not letting anyone tell him how he should / should not live, what he should / should not want. Many of us diagnosed in advanced adulthood go through such a "rebellion" stage. If I were in your circumstances, I'd be building a life more independent from him than till now, and not investing too much in the marriage.

Maybe maintain a cordial, somewhat distant attitude, where you're busy building YOUR future, as he's likely busy building his.

One thing is for sure, it's always a bad idea to pressure/manipulate/cajole a spouse into working on the marriage, but there's no worse time than this.

If anything will make him re-choose you, it will be your independence, not your chasing.

Hi Moondust At first your reply was quite alarming to me . I read it twice. And then thought... "re-choosing" me ?? wtf ?? So I went back and re-read my post. I see now where it may have been confusing. I should have perhaps used the word "communication" in addition to the word relationship, as in :

" He's now using Aspergers as a reason to continue to NOT try to improve upon COMMUNICATION in our relationship. "

I do thank you for your insight, but my husband and I are very much 'in love' and committed to our marriage. Nobody has to 're-choose' anyone. I've always been aware of his lack of social graces and communication skills, his difficulty in understanding certain concepts, and his genuine desire to express himself .. and his frustration at himself for his inability to do so. Nothings changed there, it's a work in progress, and I love him more each and every day. We have always tried to fulfill each others 'needs' as best we can, and I have no reason to believe that won't continue to be the case .

Where I was becoming dismayed and the reason I sought out this forum, was because I was concerned that he now ( if he chooses to ) has a valid reason in 'his' mind.. not to continue trying so hard to communicate with me, or help me to understand him better. I was worried that he'd get all comfy in his aspergers diagnosis, and figure " Hey .. this is me .. I can't communicate" and thus allow 10 yrs of progress in communication, basically everything we've worked so hard to achieve ( in that area), slide right down drain.

I was hoping for the Aspergerians here to give me their insights and wisdom about this issue, which has recently come up . And I'm so happy that you all did share your views.. THANK YOU ! !.


Also, my husband has read through your responses tonight, and has taken your advice's to heart .. so I thank you all, from him too ! ! This is wonderful community here. We hope to be able one day .. to "give back" to others, as you all have generously given to us.


~ Charrah

Wanderer , A personal thank you to you Sir.

This has been the second time you've shown your support to me (us). I greatly appreciate your wisdom and kind advice. I just wanted to say as well, I know this last month has been difficult for you, what with the recent passing of your dad.

I'm sure you must miss him ..


Thank you so much..

Many blessing to you and yours'


~ Charrah

^ Agreed.

There are some things he may never be able to change about himself, like not understanding certain social things or forms of speech of phracing, and this is where the NT makes compromises and does not loose his/her patience when talking or explaining. On the other side of the coin the other individual needs to try to work around their deficiency.

In which way are commerce and conversation the same? It takes at least two to have one.

Charrah, your last post is almost the opposite of your first. To your original question....I don't see denial in what you relate about your husband, but I do see denial in what you relate about you.