How do I avoid being angry?

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Hi. I'm not sure of the proper format with which to explain myself or my situation so instead I'll gush and hope for the best.

I'm an older guy (by internet standards at least) who turns 40 this year and have only recently formally self-diagnosed myself with Autism despite knowing I was Autistic for many years, but only in a locked away part of my brain I never had access too.
I'm excellent at pretending to be normal, or at least used to be. For someone in my position it has been a necessity over the years that's allowed me to mingle with others without inviting the puzzled looks and frowns (you probably know the ones) I get for being myself. Unfortunately as I've got older I've become more reluctant to act out the part and have had greater difficulty fitting in as a result.

Since my diagnosis however, I've begun looking at things differently. It has helped me recapture some of the fiery defiance of my youth.
You see for more than 10 years now I've either been studying at Uni or unemployed, and my career has gone nowhere. Socially I've become increasingly isolated, and in recent years have even had trouble summoning passion for my various hobbies which have typically been what's sustained me with the will to live. I suffer from Depression and Anxiety also, my suspicion is they're grown out of the Autism as they too have been present in various magnitudes over my whole life.

Anyway as I was saying about the diagnosis, to me it felt like a watershed and probably a necessary one at that. I wish it had've come ten years ago, but anyway. You see for years, decades even I've had the mentality that in order to succeed I needed to pretend to be someone who wasn't autistic. I was overly jovial or humorous and made enormous efforts to fit in with those around me. But as the years went by it became harder to see the fruits of those efforts and I began putting in less and less effort. This probably sounds like a familiar story to many people of my age not just Autism sufferers, I'm sure there are obvious parallels.

Anyway the diagnosis -which I made through the internet- clarified in my mind my gut feeling that I was different in a fundamental way. I've always had an emotional detachment about me and people often assumed I was a cold, heartless bastard. Probably I am to some degree, being unable to express your innermost feelings to the point where others assume you don't have any tends to do that to a person, and I honestly regard it as a good thing that I've reached an age where I don't care as much what people think of me, since that was always an extra barrier. I'm still very self-conscious and don't like leaving the house, but growing older encourages you to accept your own shortcomings not least because you feel time is running out to do something about them.

Sorry for the rambling post. This is nothing, I've kept it brief. Again, must try to be normal.
Anyway one thing my diagnosis has done is woken me up to the latent anger I have to everyone around me, not on a personal level but in a general sense. Part of me blames so called 'normal' people for training me for years to act like one of them, when deep down I wanted to do nothing of the sort. Perhaps I wasn't forced but neither is an obedient dog who is rewarded with a treat when he does what his master commands and scolded when doesn't.

The thought that keeps running through my head is "If 99% of the world's population had Autism would it still be regarded as a disorder?". I feel like almost everyone I've met over the years has blamed me for the terrible crime of being myself. Imagine being deaf your whole life but being unable to tell anyone because you couldn't properly articulate the condition, living through years of people telling you it was your fault you couldn't hear them because everyone else in the room could hear them just fine.
Anger isn't a productive emotion at least it hasn't been for me, but it feels like I have every right to be very angry. I don't want to direct it at people who've done nothing to earn it but my concern is that understanding, expressing, and harnessing my emotions has never been a strength of mine and I've often been prone to sudden outbursts. The thing is, I AM angry at all those millions of people out there blissfully aware of what its like to have Autism, who ruthlessly expect us to adhere to the social rules THEY set and have the temerity to ostracize us when we don't. We shouldn't feel obligated to play act our way through life to feel included. People say "just be yourself" in the same tone they say "always tell the truth" but the whole thing is a gigantic lie.

Realistically, if 99% of the world's population was autistic humanity would probably die. Humans are social animals and autism is a pretty serious social disorder (yes, even the milder forms).

While I understand why you feel this way, there is a reason things are the way they are. Your best bet would be to suck it up and accept that life isn't always fair. Playing the persecution card will get you nowhere.

That is so untrue. The vast majority of impairment resulting from mild autism is entirely absent when interacting with other autistic people. It's only when we try to interact with NTs that we have social issues. And for many mildly autistic people, social issues are the only significant issues they have.

Watching someone stim is maddening.

"How do I avoid being angry?"

Acceptance! When you accept that you're going to be this way, for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE----and, that there's nothing anybody can do about it (even you), you'll get on with yourself. Right now, you're "stuck" because you, sort-of, want somebody to "pay" for all the struggles you've had----we've all been there, at some time, or another----but, as YOU said, it's not fair to take your anger out on someone else.

I hate to reduce that wall of writing that you made, up there, with something so seemingly simplistic----but, when you accept "it", you'll accept yourself----and, life'll be ALOT easier!!

Honestly I think you should allow yourself to feel angry. If you pretend your not angry then that will hurt more and hold you back. I swear

Yes acceptance is good once your not angry anymore. Accept your current position where ever it is first. I was in denial when I was diagnosed and didn't want to admit I had problems but things are better now I accept it.

I heard something the other day but I could be wrong. Anger originates in the "reptile" brain, that is, the limbic system which regulates fight or flight. The prefrontal cortex is the reasoning part of the brain that says, "Yes, haul ass" or "no, it's not so bad." Some of us, no matter what we try, just cannot control the power of the limbic system. It's like having your own brain sabotage you when you're trying your best to be placid and logical. I know I have little control of my anger so the best thing is to try and avoid those who would wring the anger out of me.

Yes, but I feel the OP is angry BECAUSE he hasn't accepted it. IMO, once he accepts that it's never gonna change (it might get easier), and that there's nothing he can do about it, he'll quit being so angry, maybe..... YES, be angry----at YOURSELF----if you see that there's something you could've done, and DIDN'T----but, that's not the case, usually, with an ASD. The OP already seems to realize that anger's not getting him, anywhere.....

Anger is a normal part of life. It has a purpose. You DO have every right to feel angry. It's not healthy to avoid it. If you try to do that, it will only rear itself back up with a vengeance.

I know what you mean and I am really angry about it too.

I think anger is kind of like hunger. It is asking for something. It might speak of a need that you have that is not being satisfied, like needing love or support or validation, or wanting to be understood, or needing to express yourself more openly. Or it might speak of something that was lost, like a missed opportunity that needs to be grieved. It won't go away if you try to starve it. It would only become a more ravenous hunger that might consume you. If you can feed it and satisfy it, it will relax.

I know it's not so simple to do that, because when you get to the point of being really angry, angry at life, angry at humanity, angry at the world, it's because years have gone by without getting what you need. Now that you have a diagnosis, it's kind of like starting life over mid-game with a new play book. You might learn about needs you didn't even know you had, because you spent all those years trying to be someone else. It's completely normal and natural to be angry in those circumstances. In fact I'd say it's a very positive sign that you are feeling angry and defiant. Honor that and let it have its place. It's going to take some time to find out how to satisfy it. But it's well worth it.

Remove the things from your life that make you angry.

It must be terrible to have no control over the direction your head and eyes are pointing in.

I don't really find it so easy to interact with other autistic people.
It has similar demands to interacting with NTs, like talking to people, listening to people talk, understanding what they are talking about, etc.
I find it easiest to interact with people similar to me in personality, whether autistic or NT.

It can be annoying to watch someone stim.
Human brains are attracted to movement, so often people can't help watching others move and feeling annoyed by it.

I have to agree, I tend to feel pretty uncomfortable among people who fidget, and averting my gaze isn't always an option. I wouldn't want to judge anybody for stimming, it's just that I don't like it when I see it.

I have my doubts about whether or not eliminating NTs would eliminate Aspie social problems. I've occasionally suffered at the hands of other people's Aspie traits, and I know at least one other Aspie who has.

Back on topic, I don't think it's possible or desirable to avoid anger completely, though I'm notorious for keeping my temper even in the most vexing of circumstances. I think the best approach is to try to manage anger rather than avoid it. It seems to be a matter of expressing it in socially acceptable ways, e.g. explaining that somebody's behaviour makes me angry, directing the anger at the situation rather than the person, avoiding any acts of war such as name-calling, yelling, and tirades of negativity unless I'm dealing with really hostile people with whom war is inevitable.

I've been surprised at how sensitive people in general can be to my anger, they either try to overpower me, or they don't seem to respond at all but later they get all stroppy with me, or they burst into tears or go all submissive on me. I don't think it's just Aspies who have problems coping with anger, I think most of us do.

I used to see anger as totally black and white, as if one heated moment marked the end of friendship, I would stick horns and a tail onto the person who had made me angry and saw no solution. That probably came from my upbringing, which was much like that. I often still feel that way emotionally, but intellectually I see that anger can be a positive thing. I used to remember forever people who had wronged me, and even decades after the problem I still hated them for it, but these days I've mellowed and the resentment fades over time as long as the original issue wasn't too serious to forget.

It took me a long time to see that everybody is allowed the occasional moment of weakness when it comes to anger, provided they realise what they're doing and back off / reassure / apologise as appropriate. Part of my difficulty with it is that I still hold a lot of my anger back, so on the rare occasions I do let it rip, I'm probably too angry to be able to use the right social skills.

I do seem to have structured my life to avoid a lot of the causes of anger. Being a cynic helps. I see the world as if it were Mordor, I pretty much expect most people to be competitive, selfish, deceitful, unempathic, rude, hostile, and stuffed full of wacky political and moral judgements based on archaic traditions and ego-feeding self-delusion (apart from those things, people are pretty damned good ). So I'm rarely surprise when people aren't as nice to me as I'd like, and I think that surprise really undermines the management of anger.

Three words...."Embrace the suck."

I'm 46....discovered about AS at 40. Answered a lot of questions.

I guess the "acceptance" part was already there. I knew I was different, just didn't understand how or why.

I had a lot of anger over the fact that it happened to me or that I went so long with no clue about it and let it wreck so much of my life.

Like you, I don't care to play the "game" anymore to fit in. I'm in real danger of being a total recluse.