I'm not struggling but...

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As some may have noticed, I've spent quite a lot of time exploring the edges of the autistic spectrum on here. Both out of interest and because I've been trying to figure out my place on it.

After a great deal of research, I think I can categorically say that I would never qualify for an official diagnosis. Even PDD-NOS would probably elude me since, for all intents and purposes, I function reasonably okay in life. I really can't begin to imagine many of the struggles so many of you describe on here every day so this post is not intended to undermine that one bit.

However, today is a good example of me in my rut. I slept a total of 1 hour between 6 and 7 this morning. I was wide awake throughout the night counting down the hours to the alarm and wishing I could get up and make some noise without causing a disturbance. All the same, I felt pretty fresh at work today thanks to being an old hand at insomnia and "busy brain" syndrome. I had some complex work on today, all at a computer (two screens) with long lists of barcodes and metadata and no room to make mistakes. My work environment is also incredibly disruptive and I'm useless at multitasking or constantly changing focus so I have to concentrate really hard and I'm probably quite slow compared to my colleagues because of this.

Then, true to form, I skipped both my tea breaks and my lunch. Partly because I got stuck into my work (happily wallowing in Excel), partly because I suffer so many disruptions already so why inflict yet another one on myself and partly because socialising in the tea room sounds like a drag.

Now I'm back home and my partner, who cooks and dishwashes and does so much for me every day, is away for the entire evening! So, because I'm useless, I've had to eat a nasty pasta salad from Tesco instead of proper food and this is the first thing I've had since yesterday.

I cannot begin to describe my current *headache*. Caused by staring at a screen for 8 hrs straight, not having eaten or drunk anything all day, no exercise, no companionship, no energy!! I guess I'm ranting about some pretty minor stuff compared with what so many of you contend with each day, but it kind of gets me that I'm supposed to consider my level of disorganisation and self neglect as normal when I can link so much of it to my mild set of spectrum traits.

I've just taken my first codeine of the evening and I think I may need another. I'm careful these days since I got addicted to the stuff because of headaches a few years ago.

I don't really know where I'm going with this except that I feel like I'm listing a whole pile of the more subclinical traits/disabilities/indirect effects and I'm wondering what anyone's supposed to do about them?

Apologies for the garbled rant from a very headachey me.

Why don't you get up and do something that you enjoy or that interests you? "Sleep hygiene" is about creating a safe place for sleep, which you only use for sleep. If you are not sleepy or can't sleep due to anxiety etc, then use that time to do something until you do feel sleepy.

Have you spoken to your doctor about anxiety / depression?

Fair point, sleep hygiene is something I constantly try to improve, but with nearly zero success so far. I think last night it was mainly because it was so cold outside the quilt. I did venture out briefly, but then I scurried back in again. Unfortunately sound also carries really badly in our flat (ultra creaky floorboards). I wouldn't just wake my partner and start the cat up howling for breakfast, I'd end up setting the 3 adjoining properties going too. Also, if I'm worried about being tired for work, or if I'm tired enough that I'm not thinking straight, it can be really hard to take decisive action.



I very rarely feel anxious so far as I know. And I'm not a proper depressive either. Except when faced with a doctor - that makes me both anxious and depressed! One of the many reasons I'm not registered. I'm trying to get the guts/motivation/organisation/money together to explore therapy for the first time, but it's going to take me a while yet.


Thanks for the response. Luckily codeine's taking effect now, so I'm feeling a lot more mellow than I was.

What does Narrow Autism Phenotype mean?

I think that you might need moar order in your life. Like a routine for eating. Maybe plan ahead what you are going to eat for lunch the next day, visualize it in your head several times that you will definitely eat lunch at work, then follow through regularly. A lot of people can get hyperfocused and feel like they can't stand the disruption to eat lunch in the moment, so they need to make lunch a part of a routine and follow through. This is something that has worked for me. Just because there is a bad feeling associated with doing something, like stopping work to eat lunch, doesn't mean that it can't be done. It requires effort, much moar than for other people, but it becomes easier over time.

I came across this the other day and my AQ score fits! It's a very new term to denote those who are at the top end of the BAP but who don't quite make it onto the main spectrum. I imagine it will be developed further in the future. See here: Defining the broader, medium and narrow autism phenotype among parents using the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ)



You're absolutely right. That's precisely what I do. I do try to avoid it, but there are a couple of reasons I struggle to change. 1. To acheive lunch I would have to plan ahead and provide my own or spend too much money and a long walk getting it near work each day. I neither have neither the time nor the organisational skills to manage more than once or twice a week. I seem to find it all too easy to torture my body instead. I also supect that I may be hyposenstive to thirst and hunger which doesn't help. 2. I worry that I won't hit my targets at work and I find doing so much easier if I skip breaks and do a slightly shorter day since it means more free time and less disruption. I have a poor relationship with my boss (his fault, not mine) and I don't feel I could handle it if he started questioning my productivity since I'm so conscientious and provide a lot of added value, but he doesn't look at any of that. On the other hand, he hasn't really spoken to me since March, so what the hey.

Is there any way to be proactive at work, and get those interruptions out of the way when it is convenient for you?

Because I am task oriented, I find it useful to break things down into smaller tasks, so that I can finish them without interruption. A paper list lets me keep track of what tasks I have done and which ones I still need to do. If things are busy, resist the temptation to do just a little more--finish the task, call it done, and take a break like everyone else. If you are lucky you can handle an interruption quite easily before taking on the next task. You might find that by working in intense bursts, you may actually get more done. But, the biggest reason not to work all day is that it sets a bad example to your co-workers, who don't work that way. This is what they mean by being a "team player." You don't set unreasonable standards or expectations for your co-workers.

I think that you can improve your organizational skills by working on this lunch thing. The planning of what you are going to eat, the preparing of the lunch the day before, the bringing of the lunch to work, the eating of the lunch at work. Being hyposensitive to hunger and thirst makes it really important to put in a eating and drinking routine. Otherwise, you will not eat or drink, and your brain is not going to work as well as it can, and you could get stuck in a loop of self-neglect and disorganization.

I wouldn't think of it as "my organizational skills suck, so I can't create and implement a routine". I would think of it as "I can develop my organizational skills through working on this routine". You will probably have many failures in the beginning, like making your lunch and forgetting to bring it or bringing your lunch and neglecting to eat it or knowing what you are going to make and not following through to make it, but that's part of the process of developing organizational skills.

Oh yes, I've tried that one. I have lists coming out of my ears, but then I never remember to look at them or follow through. I keep trying to start a simple system, but it disintegrates within days. Also, no-one allocates tasks to me really. It's a mixture of continuous and never ending data checking targets that I have to stay on top of and tons of stuff that turns up out of the blue from all directions. I work in a sort of team helpdesk/coordinator/quality assurance position which means anyone can just come over to my desk without warning to ask a question or tell me their computers broken or request annual leave etc. Even my manager will send an e-mail and then mooch into the room moments later to see what we thought of it. And I thought it was good practice not to drop everything and read every single e-mail as it arrives! I manage okay at it all, but I do yearn for peace and quiet.



You're right about that too. And I'm a line manager of 5 people. I don't think it has that much effect though since we work flexitime so we don't notice each others hours so much. The other thing is, when 25 people go to tea, they don't know that I'm still in the office, but I do and the "noise" is beautiful!


Hmm, I'm getting lots of really sensible advice. Does this mean that you're all managing this sort of stuff? I'm starting to think I'm more useless than I realised.

Thanks, I'll try. I bought some luxury baps yesterday, but like you said I left them in the fridge. Will try again, even having one for breakfast would probably be a good start. And Primary Carer should get home soon too and then I might get something nice!

Maybe you can get your primary carer to help you with reminders in the beginning. My mother used to call me from work to remind me to eat lunch and tell me what to eat if the food was moar complicated than put bowl in microwave and microwave for three minutes. She would also tell me what snacks to eat during the day and when to eat it. Now, she has trained me to eat and drink throughout the day, so I don't need reminders anymore. I am also hyposensitive to hunger and thirst, so if I were left to myself without a eating and drinking routines, I would also neglect those things to focus on moar interesting things instead.

Poor primary carers, they do have their work cut out don't they. I suppose I could ask mine to send me an e-mail each day though I'm not sure how much influence he'd have over me if I was stuck into something. I'm also very aware that he feeds me every night and does loads of other stuff, though I've signed up to an online chore scheduler now so that I can help more around the house. So far it's working and it's brilliant!! The best bit is I earn pocket money for Kindle books if I do all my chores. Can't get a better incentive than that!

Re. hypo-thirstiness, my partner actually taught me to drink properly when we first met as young adults. We used to go to meet in quiet pubs and I always used to say I wasn't thirsty. He soon had me drinking regular pints of coke and lemonade - more liquid each day that I'd ever had in childhood (how neglected was I?!) and it was a sort of amazing new feeling for me. The only downside is the bladder - I used to be able to hold out for two days if I wanted to and I *never* went to public loos.