I don't even like the social world...

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Recently, I've been asking my neurotypical friends for advice on socializing and sometimes relationships. But after certain pieces of advice, I've come to really dislike the social world. This is especially because of one thing my friend said to me.

Once in a conversation, he said, "You have to approach a girl and be really cool and act like you don't care whether she likes you or not." I told him, "But I do care whether she likes me or not..." and he kept telling me not to act like it.

Is it just me, or is a majority of the social world based on lies like that? Because, approaching a girl with a "cool" personality definitely does not reflect who I really am. Honestly, when I'm awkward and shy around people, some people find it charming. Can't imagine why, but that's how it happens.

Anyway, this was just something that's been on my mind.

Yes, and isn't it funny because in, well Western society at least, it seems everyone flaps around the word 'truth' like it is the gold standard they live by. They say they want reasons, they cite 'authorities' and 'experts', they say they want justice, they say that they are only interested in getting to 'the truth of the matter', they say they want 'authenticity', they are quick to call others liars, and on and on and on. It's like watching a three ring circus. Three ring circus music - I really have to learn how to post the you tube videos:

http://youtu.be/1D5Sa2Yq-2g

Don't try to rationalize it. Instead realize that everyone is mad and the world quickly makes sense.

What he said doesn't mean that you need to act like you don't care one way or another if she likes you or not. If you didn't care, then you wouldn't be talking to her at all. What he meant was you want to act like it would be nice if she liked you, but if she doesn't, it's ok and it really doesn't make a difference. It's not going to hurt you if she doesn't like you.

His advice reminds me of that scene in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" where Damone was teaching Rat to talk to girls. He told him "You want to act like you don't care whether she comes, stays, lays or prays". That is not what you want, believe me.

Downplaying your concern keeps desperation from showing through. I'm not saying you are desperate at all, but when you are really concerned with trying to get a date, there is some amount of desperation, the same as if you were searching all over town for a particular book/dvd/software/whatever that you really, really want but can't find. Acting too eager can make a girl think you will be needy or clingly or something like that. The more eagerness the guy shows, the more pressure that the girl feels.

She has to have time to talk to you and see if she likes you. You need to play every conversation like it's just a regular conversation between two people stuck sitting together on a long plane ride or something. Just talk. If you come across like you are trying to make her like you, she will feel pressured to like you or to make a decision right then and most of the time that decision is going to be "no".

So, it's not that he wants you to act like you don't care at all, he wants you to act like if she doesn't like you thats ok, all your hopes aren't pinned on her and at the moment she's simply a possibility and a girl that you are getting to know rather than a potential girlfriend/bed partner for the night/wife/whole world, etc.

In other words he just wants you to be laid back. I think he worded it really wrong. If I hadn't had almost this exact same conversation with a friend of mine back in high school I wouldn't have known the difference either, so don't feel bad. My friend explained it to me, so I'm explaining it to you.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Well said. Olive Oil mom. Looks like I better stop posting because I don't know what the hell I am doing.

Just for the record, most of my female friends would prefer it, if you acted like you like the girls you like.

Yes, I also agree with OliveOilMom. It's not so black-and-white as having to choose between flat-out lies and brutal honesty.

I count myself fortunate that I've never had to do that kind of courting dance, though. All my relationships, friendships were initiated pretty straightforwardly, without any acting cool or fronting.
Playing pretend is only something I've had to do with strangers. I'll do it when necessary to get by, though I don't like it, but it's certainly not my standard MO. In my opinion, honesty can get you pretty far. Don't change for someone else's sake, whether they're good or bad. Yeah, it's a dog eat dog world, but there are dogs out there who will eat WITH you, and aren't out to swipe your bone.

Oddly enough I was never good with the girls always fluffing lines, getting embarrassed and acting like an idiot..
Then I met this girl a few times, she was way out of my league and I mean properly, she was stunning, well dressed and spoken, so never put on any of my charm just chatted away to her and apparently as I said my goodbyes, I winked at her, totally out of charactor for me.
Been married 20 years now , no idea what I did but total honesty seems to work for me....

Stu

Honestly a lot of times can more mean honor.

People want a truthful person, someone that if I leave in my home, won't rob me blind. Someone who will do the right thing when no one is looking.

Not someone who is 100% honest and goes off half cocked stating it.