An instance of forced socilization.....

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Hello everyone,

Im a classically defined aspie, have been for years, and only just recently came to accept this fact. I have a question regarding concepts of forced socialization, and how they may or may not affect you. An example of this, is during time spent in church, there is an occasion where everyone stands and greets others. When this happens, I totally clam up, dont look approachable, nor do I approach anyone else. My family is less accepting of this fact, and often times its pointed out to me "Just stand up, smile and nod, thats all you have to do." Well I have a hard time doing even that. Is your experience similar? Do you have a similar experience? How do you deal with and address it?

I appreciate input.

Yes, I know what you mean. I think a large part of the problem is that others just blatantly refuse to acknowledge that what they're asking you to do is hard, even when you've clearly told them that it is. I don't think there's any simple answers, but I've gotten better at stuff like this over time - somehow. Maybe it's a bit like suspension of disbelief: it doesn't feel natural, it doesn't feel necessary, but you just "go through the motions" anyway and (hopefully) find it gets easier over time. Maybe another part is realising that social awkwardness is a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you feel like you'll do the wrong thing then you'll look like it, too. If you just act confident and refuse to be embarrassed that can cover up a lot of mistakes (though there are limits ). Those are things that have helped me. Others find pretending to be someone else and acting the way you think they would act helps. That way you don't have to decide "is this the right thing to do", you just have to decide "is this what they would do" which is easier.

Oh, and welcome to WP. It's great that someone managed to compile you. I'm sure it wasn't easy - what with all the config options...

Yes, I know what you mean.
Here's another example of when something just doesn't feel natural, nor rational.

Here in the Netherlands, there is a typical ritual that is observed when it is someone's birthday.

Here, people come around for a coffee and some cookies to say hello and happy birthday ... ; but that is where the rational behaviour ends. What happens next, is that everyone shakes everyone else's hands, saying "congratulations" to each other.

The next step is that the birthday person brings out a cake from the refrigerator, which is usually one of those cheap mass-produced ones from a supermarket, deals it out around the room in slices, and everyone feels the urge to comment "oh what a delicious cake", even if it's the same one as they had at someone else's birthday last week.

Errm, well I don't know about you guys, whatever country or background you have, I don't see the rationale in greeting the word "congratulations" to every visitor who happens to be present at someone's birthday. Most of them will be complete strangers.

The lunacy of forced socialisation takes another step though.
The birthday person is always the one that is busy in the kitchen, pouring out drinks, cutting more cake, cleaning plates, seeing to the kids. You go around to greet someone for their birthday, but that is the very person you do not see, because they don't want any guests to be helping in the kitchen, and instead sit in the main room with the cakes, snacks, and drinks with the rest of the guests ; people who you've never seen before.
The result is that all the guests find themselves immersed with other strangers, sitting around the coffee table, not having any time with the birthday person, and instead pulling a fake smile and commenting about how nice it is to be here, or comment about the weather. It is really quite hard to watch.

I've known many Neurotypical expats living here who find this ritual rather strange.
However I should not complain. Many such rituals have good intentions. I can think of much worse things.

The church possibly means well, but personally I'd have a huge issue with the notion of a a priest controlling social gestures like that. Not just because I can't socialise to order, but because of the whole idea of social stuff being mediated through an authority figure.

Yes I find that church tradition to be terrifying! I enjoy quietly sitting there and listening to the service, and I even love singing the hymns... But having to "greet people warmly" is so uncomfortable!

I feel like an idiot with a smile plastered on my face and just keep repeating "the peace of the Lord be with you"

Are you talking about at Mass where you offer each other a sign of peace and shake hands or hug and say "peace be with you"?

That doesn't bother me, but it does get awkward sometimes when the person you turn to shake hands with has turned the other way and so you just stand there. Normally it's over with pretty quickly. I just stick out my hand and give a limp handshake to whoever is near me, I usually start with the person I'm with or I'll look around and see who is trying to shake hands with me and grab theirs.

If the church isn't crowded you can sometimes sit in the back, several pews away by yourself and many times folks won't bother you, but that can backfire sometimes and some 87 year old lady in the second pew who hasn't missed daily Mass in 50 years, starts hobbeling back toward you on her cane because she saw you by yourself and she's determined to come show you how much she cares about you even though she doesn't know you from Adam. Then you have to hurry out of the pew and down the aisle because she's holding up everything and the priest is standing there with nothing to say, waiting on you. By the time you get to her, you don't feel very much like saying peace be with you anymore.

If you don't like doing that, try this little tactic that a friend of mine who was a germaphobe used to use to avoid touching strangers. If it's Sunday Mass make sure you pick up a program from the vestibule on the way in. Keep it in your hand during the Mass and then when it gets to the sign of peace part, drop the program. Bend over to pick it up and stay down there a second like you are reaching for it under the pew. My germphobe friend would kick it back under her pew and over so she couldn't reach it because she wasn't going to pick it up off the floor. You can always bend down to tie your shoe during the sign of peace, or if you can turn around and act like you are looking for something important in your jacket pocket or purse that is on the pew. Do that right before the priest gets to that part so it doesn't look like you are avoiding it. Or, always sit in the back and duck out to the bathroom right before.

I used to see people who would time it just right and miss all of the Mass, but come in the church during the sign of peace and stand by the doors. They would take communion and then leave. Those were usually the busy looking guys in golf clothes who were walking up the aisle for communion holding their car keys and cell phones and when they got communion they would step out of the line and hurry up the aisle and out of the church.

Good luck.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Hi, I know what you mean. I have always been that way in situatiuons like that, but people usually just leave me alone.

I don't know if other people can relate to this, but the way I would decribe it is like reading a book or watching a play where you can be observing and analzsing everything, but you are not a character in the book or play, so you can't just jump in and interact as if you were. It would seem so unnatural and awkward. It's kind of like you have no social identity in that context, you're just the observer, on the inside looking out. .Does anyone else feel that way?

I actually like being in social situations sometimes, as long as people don't expect to much from me.