How can I suggest to my friend that he may have Aspergers?

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I really need some help here, because I have no one to talk to about this issue.

I have a friend who is genuinely a good person. He is the nicest most caring person you could meet. However, he has many symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome (AS). Simply put, when reading a list of typical AS symptoms, you feel like you are reading a description of his most notable personality characteristics. Most other people feel the same way about him. Predictably, he has trouble keeping friends and is known for deeply upsetting all of the roommates he has had over the past 4 years. I really want him to know that he could have AS since if he really does have it, and if he were diagnosed with it, he would have greater self awareness and understand his general social environment better. He would understand why he has social problems. How can I suggest to him the possibility of him having AS? I don't want to be mean, and I also don't want him to think I'm being overly critical (this is because another notable characteristic of him and AS is that he finds it difficult to understand other people's point of views and is often fully convinced that his way of seeing something is the correct way, even when it obviously isn't). What is a good way to approach this situation?

Talk about the feelings, emotions and experiences that someone with AS may have. This way you show deep understanding and empathy towards him, and he may not be offended by it. The more you avoid the superficial characteristics the better, because that can be seen as criticism and overreaction. You can PM me if you want, and I can tell you more about it, cause I am very experienced in being extremely avoidant towards AS (If you're Norwegian it can make it easier, I am as well.)

What was helpful for me was when people dropped clues after awhile I read some stuff on the Internet and got diagnosed.
The hard thing for me was that being candid goes against social norms eventually a few of my co-worker/friends said "hey you don't need to tell everyone your personal business, and gently
Nudged me in that direction was helpful. I kinda always "knew" so I wonder how your friend feels. you're a good friend for sticking by his side.

Tell him directly that you think that he may have AS.

People have hinted to me before, but I didn't pick up on any of them at the time.

Perhaps mention having read a book or article about someone with AS that you found interesting and offer to lend it to him. Maybe email him this article or a similar one simply saying that you found it interesting without necessarily relating it to him. I think it'd be better to let him make the connection for himself, or to at least try to before saying anything too blunt. If he's not familiar with AS he might be hurt by the suggestion that he has an autism spectrum disorder, especially if he is insecure to begin with and just perceives his difficulties as anxiety, shyness or something like that.

Also, is there any possibility that he might be aware of having AS already and simply chosen not to disclose? I don't generally disclose my diagnosis and I think people sometimes assume I am not very self-aware of my differences when I actually am very aware of them. That's just something to keep in mind, a lot of people view a diagnosis as private and don't disclose unless they have to, even to friends.

If you suggest it, please explain why. I've had at least 2 people suggest I have it; but neither have explained why.

Oh yes I can definitely explain why. I even took the time to write bit about why he MIGHT have AS. I will never say to him he HAS AS because I am not qualified to do so. The purpose of this is just to get him to take the idea into consideration and talk to his family about it. I have no intention of actually trying to convince him he has AS. That would be wrong. The whole issue is about figuring out way to take it into serious consideration. This is because he is often fully convinced of his correctness, even when he is obviously wrong. Plus, I think it is only natural to try to immediately reject any idea that something is wrong with you when you feel perfectly fine.

For example, he will seriously say "this degraded into a lesser substance" while referring to how the school cafeteria's barbeque sauce does not taste good anymore. People will tell him how odd that sounds and he will just be very stubborn and insist that everyone is "too strict" in their use of the language.

Last edited by svartljus on 30 Sep 2012, 4:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Don't make it obligating.

I love that description. He's right, you know. People really are too restricted in their diction. Especially teenagers.

As for your friend, he knows. He may not have identified Aspergers specifically, but rest assured he is well aware that he is different from others.

What do you hope to achieve by broaching the topic with him? If he wants assistance with his social skills, he will seek it out eventually on his own time and in his own way. He may not be bothered by others reaction to him. He may feel fine about it. If that is the case, it is not for you to judge.

What do you hope to achieve by broaching the topic with him?[/quote]

I'm glad you asked that. I basically hope that he will take this in consideration and think about how his actions/comments can at times be inappropriate. I hope this will lead to him gaining a better sense of self awareness so he can learn from the past (i.e. understand why many of his roommates no longer talk to him, why others do not like him, why people sometimes find him to be rude/awkward/funny when he is not trying to be) and use this knowledge to build better relationships in the future. He is very confused and is sometimes hurt to find out that former friends/roommates do not like him as much as they used to. AS or no AS, I hope, for his sake, that he can gain a better sense of social awareness.

Why not ask him if he ever feels different from others? Also, ask him if he has ever wondered why? Then ask if he has ever heard of Asperger's Syndrome? And let him look it up from there.
I knew for years there were differences, but I kept asking/looking in the wrong places. Also, Asperger's was not an available dx when I was a teenager/young adult. And Autism? Those people were seriously impaired & generally non-verbal, ending up in institutions (which was very true for low functioning autists of that time!). But I kept hearing about Asperger's over the last two years, so finally got curious. Actually, I am not, I am more classical, if high-functioning autistic0 but close enough.. I think most of us are somewhat curious about our own behavior.
However, remember, many people will also have denial about anything that could be considerd a disability, especially a mental one ( its not, its neurology but that is another discussion) so resistance might be met.

Sincerely,
Matthew

I was in denial for a long time (a few years). Just say it and maybe one day it will click. The stigma that comes with autism sucks. That's why I was in denial for the longest time. Then I came to the realization that I don't have to tell everyone and it helped a lot. I just tell the people that matter (my wife, very close friends, not my boss or my mom).