What precedes romantic relationships?

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impulse343
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29 Sep 2012, 2:50 pm

What usually precedes romantic relationships? How are they established? What are usually the first steps towards a romantic relationship? Does one "ask out" someone they barely know?

Please explain the social conventions behind romantic relationships.



impulse343
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29 Sep 2012, 3:41 pm

Anyone?



jonny23
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29 Sep 2012, 3:48 pm

That's a big question. Some people view dates as casual and use them to get to know people that they might be interested in pursuing. Other people feel they are more substantial and would like to know someone a little before going on a date. Then you have dinner dates that are more serious than lunch or coffee dates.

Usually people use small talk to try to figure out who they might want to date but sometimes they get to know someone because of a mutual friend or club or some other way.

I would say you first have to make someones acquaintance, then become somewhat friendly at the very least before trying to date. There is a certain amount of trust that has to be established first.

You don't have to officially date to become romantic with someone though but if you have no other option to see them (like you go to the same school or belong to the same club) then dating is a good option.

Trying to figure out if the interest is mutual though is tricky. But usually if you ask them out on a date again later and they say yes that's a good indication that they are at least not uninterested.

There are many books on the subject. I think everyone is bad at it.



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29 Sep 2012, 3:54 pm

I think the lack of response may mean nobody here knows very much about it (not really surprising on an ASD forum!).

The mating ritual seems to vary a great deal depending on many things such as country/culture, age of participants, and preferences of the individuals. I believe the majority of young people in western countries tend to seek a partner by approaching those they find physically attractive and asking them for a date, or asking someone they have got to know in a friend group and find attractive. Older people seem more inclined to seek people based on shared interests such as their career or hobbies or people they have got to know as friends. But this is conjecture based on observation as I have no direct experience, so you may take it with a grain of salt. Personally I am kind of bewildered by the idea of basing a potential relationship on anything but a strong bond already established, but I don't think most people see things the same way.



thewhitrbbit
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29 Sep 2012, 7:10 pm

The lack of a response is because there is no one specific way.

I know people who hated each other when they met and are now happily married.

I know people who went very linearly from first date to marriage.

I know people who broke up and are now married.



Matt62
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29 Sep 2012, 7:38 pm

Only answer I can honestly give you is:

Its going to be according to the situation. This is where being able to read body language is so important, & its something I have lots of problems with..
Friendships, first dates, casual flirting at first is, I gather, the most common scenarios. For me, I definitely try for friendship first, because I totally SUCK at first, casual dates..

Sincerely,
Matthew



impulse343
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30 Sep 2012, 6:23 am

Matt62 wrote:
Only answer I can honestly give you is:

Its going to be according to the situation. This is where being able to read body language is so important, & its something I have lots of problems with..
Friendships, first dates, casual flirting at first is, I gather, the most common scenarios. For me, I definitely try for friendship first, because I totally SUCK at first, casual dates..

Sincerely,
Matthew


But is it really common to "date" people without first being friends, or at least being very familiar and talking to each other on a regular basis? And what kind of social contexts are appropriate for asking someone out? Is it appropriate at all if one barely talks / doesn't talk at all to the potential partner?



jonny23
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30 Sep 2012, 8:01 am

impulse343 wrote:
But is it really common to "date" people without first being friends, or at least being very familiar and talking to each other on a regular basis? And what kind of social contexts are appropriate for asking someone out? Is it appropriate at all if one barely talks / doesn't talk at all to the potential partner?


You don't have to be friends but if you barely talk now it might be awkward on a date. I have a hard time talking to strangers but I just try to start slow and let things happen. I have a tendency to scare people off if I'm not careful to move slow and keep it light.



onks
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30 Sep 2012, 10:04 am

impulse343 wrote:
What usually precedes romantic relationships? How are they established? What are usually the first steps towards a romantic relationship? Does one "ask out" someone they barely know?

Please explain the social conventions behind romantic relationships.


I would say it is mostly about emotional (and physical) nearness. Share everything with ease

And normally that would require to say something like click on both sides.
To my opinion there is very little to do if that isnt the case from the beginning

If it is and everything goes well you can ask out somebody that you barely know or even follow somebody home

NTs wont very easily feel comfort with someone with AS
it is rather that they complain to you that you are strange
in a subtle way

That makes me usually sad because that signalizes me that it went wrong.
That just freezes me

Women can be much more passive, men have to take the initiative at the later stages
Something that I am really bad in, too.

Usually I cant do anything I just feel ashamed of me and I cannot just imagine what they would want from someone like me...

Arranged things are very difficult for me

Usually I can talk to women if I am not interested. But it just very easily blocks up when I am



Jaden
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30 Sep 2012, 2:06 pm

Regardless of ones views on the establishment of said relations, friendship must first exist for any real relationship to exist thereafter.

I'm going to use the divorce rate as an example. In america the divorce rate is about 50%, and the reason those marriages fail is because a majority of them don't really know each other well enough when they marry, so when a year or so rolls on by and the effects of "first season love" wears off, they fight about things they didn't know about beforehand (usually small things, although there's big things as well).
So my advice:
Get to know someone before even thinking about a relationship, if you like who they are then go for it.

Random chance meating ==> friendship =====> possible relationship ====> you know the rest.


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jonny23
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30 Sep 2012, 2:09 pm

I don't think you have to be friends before dating. Marriage yes, dating no.



impulse343
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30 Sep 2012, 2:47 pm

jonny23 wrote:
I don't think you have to be friends before dating. Marriage yes, dating no.


But is it usually considered to be socially appropriate to ask someone one virtually never talks to and/or barely knows on a date? Would it be socially appropriate for someone to just ask out someone one sits next to (be it in a bus, high school or college) on a date?

Some people told me that it isn't appropriate at all. I'm asking because the female I'm sitting next to (I didn't choose to sit there, it's just that I usually sit there due to the good location of the said place on the front raw) in college said "let's be a couple" to me. We haven't even talked to each other outside of college, and we have only occasionally talked while sitting together. How am I supposed to react to that? This isn't even the "asking out" ritual. Do people often do that? Isn't there dating or something of that sort preceding that step?

I pretended that I didn't understand what she said (I'm foreign) since I didn't even know how I was supposed to react to that. She blushed after that, and stayed very silent.

How am I supposed to react in such situations? Do normal people even do that?



jonny23
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30 Sep 2012, 2:57 pm

I don't see why she shouldn't ask you on a date but asking to be a couple is strange.



jonny23
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30 Sep 2012, 2:58 pm

Maybe because you sit next to her all the time she thinks that you like her?



Robdemanc
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30 Sep 2012, 3:16 pm

I think a lot of people flirt with each other before anything else. This is very tricky for us Aspies to know when it is going on. I know I have missed many chances with people because I didn't know they were flirting with me.

But I am not sure what flirting is or how to describe it but it definitely happens in the NT world a lot.



impulse343
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30 Sep 2012, 3:35 pm

jonny23 wrote:
Maybe because you sit next to her all the time she thinks that you like her?


But don't people ask others on a date or something of that sort if they think so?