Before you knew you had AS...

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What was it like? Did you do better or worse? Has knowing about it changed your life?

For me, I just thought I was strangely odd, self-sabotaging and unlovable. My fascination with one or two people would convince me they were as enthralled with me as I was with them. After diagnosis, I just stopped bothering all together because I realized so much of what my life has been was my fault, not others.

I do far worse now in a way; I have just simply stopped looking for work instead of what I did before was go through jobs like underwear, thinking it was the job that sucked, not me.

Knowing has changed my life because it has brought me back in touch with my authentic self, which is wholesome and gratifying; the eye of the hurricane, the seat of the soul that nurtures me even when I feel all hope is lost to lead a 'normal' life.

What about you?

I was about the same before than after, difference is before I thought I must be subconsciously malicious and hurtful.now a lot of my behaviors are explained.

I found out earlier this year, and it is the absolutely best thing happening this year. It gives me a reason to why I behave as I do (not an apology for anything, just a reason). The knowledge has made me able to work on things that do not work well with me, and reading old posts here on WP has helped me a lot.

I am now able to understand why I don´t understand, why me feelings seems to so much more intense (or less, depending on situation) than other peoples, why I get owerwhelmed by certain situations etc. I am now able to work with my breakdowns, so that it do not affect the children so much. And best of all, I recognice traits in my children relating to AS and I am able to help them realize this at a much younger age. Worst thing is that nobody told me, and that I had to figure it out myself when I was 41. Would have been fantstic to know much earlier.

I pretty much feel the same way as you do, I've only known since August but the circumstances which led to my discovering were so emotionally devastating that I already felt stripped clean of any identity, now I feel essentially like a blank slate, like some impostor was occupying my Id, ego and super-ego.

-The id is unconscious by definition, seeks pleasure.
-The ego separates out what is real. It helps us to organise our thoughts and make sense of them and the world around us.
-"The Super-ego can be thought of as a type of conscience that punishes misbehavior with feelings of guilt. For example: having extra-marital affairs".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego_and_super-ego
http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Id,_ego,_and_super-ego


Welcome to my crash course in psychology, okay so the id is the id, it just does what ever the hell it wants to do; it seems to me that our problems lay in the ego and super-ego. If our ego believes something which isn't real is real, like my premise that I was normal but unlucky, bad things just happened, it never occurred to me either that I was the problem. Things get even trickier with the super-ego because of the fact that we are not socially aware by nature, we do things which are socially unacceptable without being aware that we are socially unaware, mindblindness or what have you.

It seems pretty obvious to me that I am better off knowing then not knowing, in this case ignorance is not bliss, at least now I can be more aware of my behavior, I also understand why I react the way I do to certain situations, or that I have alexethymia and do not perceive my emotions the same way NT's do. So while my problems remain unchanged and largely unchangeable, I still have no clue what job to look for either for instance, at least there isn't some impostor who thinks that he's normal behind the curtain in the Emerald City. I have a little bit of hope that I can at least work with my strengths instead of wasting time agonizing over things I cannot change.

I always did what I had to do to get by, and it's no different now. So in some ways, knowing about AS doesn't change anything.

I'm just glad to know that repeated mistakes and lack of public appeal in various areas is not due to being lazy or maliciously arrogant or dumb by nature.

Improvements are coming. It's kind of a chess match, but planning moves ahead and not allowing myself to be in places to make as many mistakes is going to be the way to a better future.

I don't know how I felt really. I was only small before I got diagnosed. I didn't feel like there was something wrong with me before I started school, I was just a typical toddler really, even when I try to remember being 3 and 4 years old I don't remember feeling different from other kids. I got on quite well at preschool, a bit shy but a shy toddler doesn't mean he/she has AS. I've worked with toddlers before and a lot of them were shy than not. Then after I started school I didn't fit in intellectually and socially, which was extremely noticeable on the first week or so, causing concern for the teachers and my parents. I didn't feel different though, I just felt younger than all the other kids, also when I was 7 I started to realise how lonely I was.

When I got diagnosed I think I kept saying, ''why me?''

I've did pretty well before being diagnosed, but have done even better since the diagnosis, since I have a much better handle on what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Thank you all for your replies. It sounds like a lot of acceptance and an explanation is better in the long run than endless confusion.

I am the same. Knowing hasn't changed much for me.

My parents and doctors knowing has been completely negative. The only reason I was diagnosed at all was for my parents' self-satisfaction. So they can say "oh, he's just autistic" to avoid embarrassment. It let them do things that they wouldn't have otherwise done that screwed up my life. "It doesn't matter, he's just going to live in our basement his whole life anyway!" It got me institutionalized. It got drug-happy doctors shoving things down my throat that I really didn't like and didn't want to take. "SSRIs! MOAR SSRIS! ALL THE SSRIS!!" It got doctors trying to beat me into their preconceived ideas. "You have high self-esteem? ... How can you be proud of that? What good is that ever going to do?" It got me forced into seeing multiple therapists. (By that I mean it got people paid to yell at me for wasting their time.) It didn't result in any accommodation. Rather, I got the opposite. "Here's a list of things you have trouble with, so let's go do 'em all so we can fix yer! You don't wanna do them? You don't want to go back to the institution, do you?" Now that I'm old enough that I can't be threatened with involuntary commitment anymore, they've decided that I have a bunch of severe problems that I don't have, and none of the problems that I actually do have. If I ask for some accommodation then it's an excuse. But when I don't have a problem then I'm a hopeless autistic who will never be able to wipe his ass or live independently. Or I have a minor problem that can easily be overcome, they refuse to accommodate for it, whine when I can't do it without accommodation, then tell me I have a severe problem with it and will never be able to do it at all, so I'll have to live in a home. They say patronizing things to me (which is a lot more annoying when they're extremely stupid themselves). I'd rather continue being treated like an NT than this.

Insurance companies knowing prevents me from getting health care.

...I'm glad to know, but I think I would be in a much better situation if I never did.

Mainly better, only ignorant people patronise me to death, and make all sorts of assumptions such as mental retardation, emotional immaturity(not true in my case) ect, and don't excuse any of the problems I actually do have, apart from some aspects of social awkwardness.
Also, a lot of teachers (even some now ex-friends) twist every slightly odd thing I do until it looks to them, like a common Aspergers symptom, which is A. damn annoying, and hurtful. B. often hurts someone else, if it's a social situation. C. Means they think I need help I don't need, and will often try to force said help onto me.
These false assumptions make being in school unbearable.

I've been able to put a lot of internal voices to rest, slowly but surely.
-You don't apply yourself
-You're too smart
- How could you be so stupid
-You think you're better than everyone else
-You're damaged
-You're weird

I'm still learning how to play to my strengths, instead of agonizing over what I can't do. I never know if I'm just not trying hard enough, or just pointlessly beating my head against the wall.

I sort of felt like a normal person... sort of.

When I would have so much problems in school socially, I didn't think nothing of it, when I did found out that I had AS, a lot of things that happen in my life prior made sense.

I'm glad I found out though, made me aware of certain things.

Ye gods, I was so much worse before my diagnosis. I was depressed, I thought people were insane and cruel, jobs were absolute misery, and my family and partner often wondered if I loved them or if I was even capable of love.

It's much better now. Still hard, but better. Now I can work with my autism, use it's strengths and avoid it's weaknesses. My diagnosis was absolutely the best thing to ever happen to me.

It was horrible before I knew. I felt socially inept, conspicuious and stupid. I felt broken and less than everyone else. When I was finally diagnosed (at sixteen), then I was able to adjust my perspective. I wasn't less, just different.