Secretiveness

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It may be a remnant of my childhood need to go off by myself, but I tend to be very unnecessarily sneaky about some things--even to the point of lying. I don't like having to explain myself.

For instance, I didn't feel like rushing around and rummaging in cabinets to get something for lunch at work today, so I lied and told my husband I had leftovers from yesterday's lunch. All I really have is an apple and a piece of bread, but that's okay. I'm not going to drop dead of starvation. Also, once I planned on going to work, then leaving and not telling anyone except my supervisor, just so I could have a day to myself without anyone knowing where I was or what I was doing. It didn't work out, but I still dream of the day when I can do that.

When I'm in a social situation and I feel like leaving, I just leave. It grates on my nerves to have to explain why I want to go, so I wait until everyone's attention is elsewhere, then vamoose, or pretend to be going to the bathroom or something.

Is this really wrong? Do I owe an explanation?

This is an interesting post. I do exactly the same thing, I hate having to explain myself too.

I do think I know why I do it, and perhaps the same is true of you. Growing up I was always made to feel very ashamed of doing things weirdly, badly, clumsily, wrong, etc. Trying to explain why I did them the way I did them generally aggravated the situation further. I was told I was stupid, careless, thoughtless, lazy. So, seeking to alleviate the pain of being told these things, I began trying to hide them, sometimes to the extent of lying to cover them up. When this behaviour has become a pattern, it also sometimes extends to more benign situations like the example you gave, when you know that what you have to say will cause some sort of negative reaction in the person (such as chiding, nagging or a lecture) or will require a lot of explanation (I find explaining things to people difficult and will avoid it where possible) which again is a mechanism to find mental and emotional relief from those things.

I have been trying to un-learn this behaviour because I don't want to be dishonest or be caught in a lie. You don't owe people any explanations - whether or not you want to offer one really depends how important you find the opinion of others. It's actually a very liberating way to live if you don't care what others are thinking or wondering about you. However, it helps to be aware that when it comes to those you love such as a partner or parents, lying or hiding things has the potential to be hurtful if they find out about it. They will feel that you don't trust them and be hurt by that.

Don't change your behaviour because you think you "should", but it is always best to examine the things you are doing and ask yourself if you are choosing to act that way of your own volition because it is what works for you, or if it is a pattern learned out of fear which is having a negative effect on your life.

I can relate to this and I think the pattern developed because my parents (especially my mother) were way too protective. I hated the way they would do the whole "concerned parent" thing, complete with big scowling faces, every time they perceived things weren't all sweeness and light. This wasn't because of ASD (I wasn't diagnosed as a kid), but probably had something to do with having pulled through an extremely life-threatening viral illness as a baby.

I wasn't allowed to do a thing for myself (except when THEY suddenly and arbitrarily decided I should). If I looked like I was struggling with something, the task would be snatched away with a "Let me do that!".

Possibly sometimes I didn't explain things too well and they were only trying to understand the situation, but to me it felt like I was being given the third degree. Have you noticed how nearly all scoldings consist of endless questions too? (Why did you do that?) I probably didn't understand that in a scolding, the questions are often rhetorical.

Then, on top of doing things for me, they'd make me guilty for not having done it myself, comparing me unfavourably to my very mature and streetwise elder sister.

So rather than be deprived of opportunities to do things I'd just go ahead and do them, either without telling anyone, or only telling them when it was too late to stop me.

I dunno...

The party thing could be interpreted as rude, once I had to do exactly that for a very good but hard to explain reason, so I just said I wasn't feeling well when saying goodbye. But if "appearing rude" hadn't been an issue, I'd have just left. It would have been easier.

In general, I see giving an explanation as the polite thing to do. But giving a truthful explanatin, well, that depends on my relationship with the explainee. When it is someone I'm not very close with, I'll only give one if asked, and then I'll just come up with something plausible and mundane that doesn't attract further attention, or further questions. If it is somebody close, well, I try to give them the truth if I lnow they can handle it (in the case ofmyour husband, if you'd told him you'd rather have a quite small lunch than rummaging in cabinets, would he be ok with it, or nag you about it? In the second case, I'd probably lie too, to avoid unonecessary distress for both of us over something like what I had for lunch. Añthough skipping meals can be unhealthy of done too much, I'll have to say that.

In general, the way I see it, I owe nothing to strangers. But towards people within my social circle, well, some sort of basic explanation (although I've noticed sometimes I can just say what I'm going to do and nobody asks questions) seems due for me. If I invited someone to a gathering, and that person just vanished without saying goodbye, I'd definitely find it odd and unpolite (assuming I don't know that person has AS, then I'd understand, but still someone in that situation would likely not know about it). In the end, it depends on whether you mind, amd it affects you, to come off that way or not.

I can really relate to this, going to the extreme that when I lost jobs and got dropped from a class I would pretend for a few days that I still was going, but once I was out of the house I had no idea how to fill my time

Believe it or not, I did this with university for years. Back then, as well as undiagnosed ASD-related difficulties, I suffered from severe social anxiety, and I couldn't go to classes or complete the work because unlike at school, at university the classes were more like participatory discussions and the work had no structure. I was afraid to say anything to my parents because I was sure they would be angry with me but equally afraid of seeking help, so I continued going there every day, but spent the time I was supposed to be in class hiding in the library. I kept dropping out of the courses so they didn't find out I wasn't attending and I made it to a total of three separate years at two different universities before I eventually had a kind of nervous breakdown and had to get help.

I remember watching a TV show several years ago about a man who failed his medical degree but couldn't tell his family and spent about 30 years pretending he was working as a doctor until he was eventually found out and committed suicide. It completely freaked me out because I remembered doing such a similar thing.

Lies are unpleasant things. Often you need to create more of them to cover up the original one.

I do this too. I hate having to explain myself, even if it's about something trivial.

I will also avoid explaining myself at nearly all costs. I get very "flappy" (including hand flapping) when I have to explain myself and, depending on my mood before it happens, can become almost non-verbal. As such I do what nearly everyone else ITT says and basically try to cover up anything for which somebody will require some sort of explanation - even for totally benign things which nobody would ever be annoyed or anything at me about. It's probably about the only time in life I tell anything which could be construed as a lie (OK I lie on job applications too )... I'm still crap at lying though and anybody who knows me well will usually see right through it. I'm trying to untrain myself to do this (and I have made a lot of progress) but it is difficult.

I am very private and secretive also. My own private world is my sanctuary and I don't want anyone putting a label on me.

I also am secretive and hate explaining myself. I honestly don't feel that I should have to; it's an intrusion into my thoughts, and my thoughts are my own.

I too hate explaining myself, particularly when with acquaintances.....I get my cellphone out and suddenly all eyes are on me, like 'who are you calling', 'what, someone calling you?' Or something as mundane as sitting with a group of people and reaching out for a kleenex. People are so curious about movements out of the ordinary.

I totally relate to this and have been wondering if it's an aspie trait. It's been reassuring to read so many others feeling the same way. It just seems like an awful lot of work sometimes to explain things.

This bothers me too, the expectation to say goodbye when leaving a social gathering. I understand it's good to thank the host, but honestly sometimes it's a huge effort just to get their attention, and then I usually feel as if I'm interrupting something just to say I'm leaving. Sometimes I just slip out if I'm attending by myself. I can always email a thank you later, once I'm rested up from the ordeal - which social gatherings tend to be for me.

So you see, I don't see anything wrong with a need for privacy or not wanting undue attention on yourself.

But there are times when this can be a problem. People might worry about you unnecessarily, and that's not fair to them. There could also be an emergency and people not know where you are to let you know, or you could have an emergency yourself and no one would know where you are. So it's a good idea, I think, to leave a note or email or something like that with someone close to you that you trust to protect your privacy. It's also good to tie up loose ends rather than leaving something others have to take care of, without sufficient information about it, while you're gone.

Very good point, Spirit Blooms.

I have an intense need for privacy, something that is usually mistaken for something much more sinister in regards to my intentions.
And it's not something that I can help, it's simply my nature.

It's that bad that I don't let anyone else into my house (the beachhouse - the main house is open to everyone). Not my housemate, not my father, neither of my last 2 boyfriends, none of my friends.
I don't tell people where I'm going either and if they ask, they will probably get a raised eyebrow and me asking how it is any of their business.
I don't pick up my phone much, it's actually pretty rare. When it's the weekend, I shut my phone off and leave it in the main house and don't touch it for the entire time.
(My order of prefernce for contact: email is always best, then text, then phone call - I do everything to avoid a phone call unless it is absolutely necessary)
I tend to go off by myself when at social gatherings, usually to get away from people, and at some point, I usually leave without saying goodbye. (I don't usually say hello either, but eh)
I hate attention on me unnecessarily, especially group or public attention - which is why if there are too many people or whatnot, I don't bother speaking up.
I usually keep my work private - on the computer or written work, I don't like working where others are or where they can see it.
I have also known to sequester myself away from other people for weeks at a time - or go off into the rainforest or bush for weeks at a time when necessary.

As is expected most people, especially acquaintances and people you don't know well, take this totally the wrong way. They think you are trying to hide something, that you are lying to them (I don't lie to people) or that you are doing or planning something bad.

In reality, my nature demands that I keep myself hidden from the world and that I keep everything to myself whenever possible, it's the only way I am comfortable. I can't change my nature - no matter how much I wish it were otherwise. It also means for those I tell anything of importance, that I need to have a great deal of trust in them - that kind of trust is not earnt easily or quickly.

For me, WP has been an experimental ground in that regard, an attempt to force myself to stop hiding everything - my own attempt to be at least somewhat open. And it's not easy. I never reveal anything of importance here (if you exclude PM's), only small things that don't matter to me if everyone knows, but even revealing that is a massive struggle for me.

But I can't continue to be this closed off all the time - it's because of my intense need for privacy that I am bad at making new friends (I have quite a few friends who I have known a long time). It's probably the thing that hinders me the most in terms of being on good terms with colleagues from work, with classmates or with acquaintances - ti will greatly affect my career if I don't find a way of dealing with it.

Unfortunetly when you are like this, people instinctively do not trust you because they think you have something to hide. They assume that you are exactly like them and would not hide anything unless you had some bad reason to do so. They don't realise that we aren't the same as them. And they judge us by their standards accordingly.

Last edited by Kjas on 04 Oct 2012, 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your entire post is why probably why I can't hold down a job. I'm nowhere near as secretive as you are, but I need a lot of privacy to think, and work, and can't participate in workplace politics.

And the quoted paragraph: Yes, that's why I'm not accepted by society.

(edited to add in left out words)

Last edited by emimeni on 05 Oct 2012, 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.