Friday was a very harsh day for me. Things have been going great at home for over a week straight, my coping strategies seemed to finally have regulated and begun to work well and my gf has been understanding and caring and it has been a great deal of fun all around to be at home.
Well Friday morning I had a serious freak-out and it probably was a meltdown. I know some of us in the spectrum have the tendency to catastrophize and we had a little altercation. At least to me it seemed like an argument. My gf pointed out there was something I missed but I said I would take care of it the next day. Since she did not want it left, she just took care of it, and thus I started to freak out. And then I got stuck on the idea that I had messed things up again, after she was actually trying as hard as I felt I was to make things even out and so I almost stormed out of the house with nothing but the clothing on my back. The door was locked so I just stood there and yelled and screamed let me go let me go let me go! I got to go I can’t take it
It scared her, so bad, she broke up crying. She was scared. She said that even though she wanted to help me if she made me feel so bad that I would flee at 3 in the morning with nothing, and no plan to just walk and run she must be a terrible person. I could not seem to be able to explain to her what was going on. I just cried and cried.
When I came down I explained to her that I panicked and I was scared and I did not want to hurt her. She said that she did not understand why I did not come to her when I was scared. I said I just panicked, and thus I did not think. And we sort of sat there and cried together.
Yesterday we did not do much but lay in bed together and sort of get “recuperated”. I think it must have been a sort of terrible meltdown. For once this situation was all on me and now my gf is scared that at any moment I panic I will take off into the night.
I must say tho I tried this once before and that it was in a moving vehicle. I know it was another meltdown then because we were talking about my mother and that is a subject strong enough to cause terror in me, because she was very abusive.
Now she is worried that my nerves may make me flee again, so I promised I would not and I mean it. But I am not sure how to keep meltdowns this bad from happening again. It seems such a little thing to have incurred a meltdown this bad, because she was not mad or anything, she just felt well she does not want to do it there is no prob with me taking care of it.
I must say tho that previously that night one of my friend had really upset me and I wonder if the meltdown was a bleed over.
13 Oct 2012, 2:02 pm
