What are your meltdowns like?

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I was just curious to know since I know some meltdowns can be different from others.

For me, my meltdowns are my child-like and tantrum-wise. The only difference is that when I meltdown, my while mind and my body both shut down at the same time. It's like everything goes numb and I sit there in a huge panic of balling, sobbing and screaming. It's like pulling a gun's trigger and getting a reaction that you don't expect. Most of the time my mind doesn't click when there is something I want but can't have. It's really hard to explain the process because my mind doesn't plan for my parents to say no and it creates a shock until I'm melting down and my parents are giving in.

I become more oblivious because my mind and body react physically to what is going on, causing the shut down mode and making me want to scream and cry so loudly that I want to escape or run off into a place where no one can find me. But those are just thoughts that do occur. After the meltdown mode, I feel drained and tired... like I want to just lay on the floor and pass out. It's as if I have no idea what happened during the meltdown modes I had.

So yeah... what about you? What are your meltdowns like?

The lights in the room go dark. My body shakes. Voices sound far away. I stammer, can't put word thoughts together or can't get the words to come out of my mouth. I never screa,m out loud, but sometimes scream in my head for hours. If in a public place, I get on my bike and ride like devil until I get home. Then I sit in a rocking chair and go totally nonverbal, just feeling my body and smelling my room and smoking a cigarrette, staring at absolutely nothing . Until my cat pulls me out of it.

I have them rarely, but that doesn't mean never; maybe once or twice a year.
I still get overloaded/frustrated/etc., though. I've just found ways to diffuse the intensity of the feelings I'm having before I explode or I have more of a shutdown-type thing.

I roar like a lion and become defensive. I seem to inherit my anger from my father, who will go berserk when things are in total chaos.

Basically, I just get to the point where everything blurs together. It feels like I'm drugged and stuck in a room with monitors all over the wall, and each of them is playing a film in a language I've never heard, and they're all turned up as loud as they can go. I feel like screaming and slamming my head against the wall. This, I manage to keep myself from doing. I also feel like crying. This, I can't keep myself from doing, and it's something I've always felt really sensitive about it, especially when I was a kid.

When I have a meltdown, I have to get away from whatever was bothering me ASAP and go somewhere a quiet as possible. I can't really function at all when I get like this. Then, I just go sort of catatonic for a while. Sometimes this phase just goes for a few minutes, sometimes it'll go for hours. Sometimes I'll cry, sometimes I'll just lie there.

I just had a BAD one last night. I posted this on my Facebook fan page.

Meltdowns: What Not to Do

My meltdowns can be very frightening and confusing for those around me. I work very hard to appear as capable and composed as possible throughout each day, so when I finally lose it, people are shocked to see me act so "autistic." I cry, scream, break things, flap my hands, and pound my fists against my head. I haven't found the perfect remedy for my meltdowns, but I do know what makes them far worse...

If I am having a meltdown...

- DO NOT become angry with me or raise your voice.

Autistic meltdowns may be frightening to observers, but at their most intense, they are nothing less than pure psychological torture for the person experiencing them. I feel as if I am caught in a war zone, terrified for my very life. My senses are on fire and I have very little control over myself. I may feel threatened by intense emotional displays. This is very dangerous.

- DO NOT attempt to restrain me.

I understand that my tantrums are scary, as I'm well over six feet tall, but you must remember that I am far more frightened than you are. I would never intentionally hurt anyone, but if you approach me in a hostile manner, or attempt to use any force without my permission, I may lose the last bit of self-control I have.

- DO NOT ask me what is wrong.

Trust me, when I'm banging my head into the wall I do not want to discuss my emotional triggers.

- DO NOT taunt me, use sarcasm, or attempt to make me feel guilty.

This will confuse and enrage me. It also makes me feel threatened.

- DO NOT ask if I am drunk or on drugs.

This is incredibly insulting. I didn't ask to be autistic, and last I checked, drugs don't cause autism. Would you ask a crippled person if they were just too lazy to get out of their wheelchair?

- Most importantly, DO NOT tell me to "snap out of it."

Trust me, I would if I could. Don't patronize or belittle me by acting as if I could control myself if I only tried harder. This is a good way to make the situation ten times worse.

I haven't had a tantrum melt-down since I was very little, but I have had melt-downs. Most notably, a couple summers ago, I was overstimulated at a walmart when there was a ton of people and i just had to stick close to my dad until we were done shopping for the vacation. I just wanted to scream or cry, but I couldn't because that would draw attention to me and make it worse. When I got to the quiet of the car, I just curled up in a non-responsive ball. I just needed quiet and calm instead of...packed chaos and disorder. My brain just hurt and felt fuzzy and I pretty much just shut down and stared at everything like a frightened rabbit.

As for the breaking routine thing...My life's never had the opportunity for a constant routine, so I'm not bothered when unexpected things happen. But when my mind is set for one gear, one activity, and someone tells me it's time for another, like I think it's bed time or personal time and my step-mother thinks it's cleaning time, my brain twinges and I get ornery. But actual melt-down? No. Well-adjusted individual who learned long ago, tantrums are not okay. They give you bad attention and you don't want more attention than necessary. You don't want everyone to know why you're upset, so don't cry in front of them.

Hell. My husband has described them like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum. I yell and scream, cry, pace more or stim like crazy, I can have outbursts. I used to have them more often but now they are rare. The mild ones, I won't even notice because I don't consider them meltdowns. I do not like to be bothered. Telling me to calm down won't work. Only way I can calm down is if things go the way I like it to get rid of the feelings. Then I feel exhausted. Even though I feel calm, I feel I am recovering from it. Sometimes I have all these feelings inside me I don't know what to do with them so I can end up throwing things or have my hands in fists or wanting to bang my head. I am aware of everything that goes on around me but it's hard to stop it. I can hold it in but I end up crying and pacing around or breathing hard. I also feel like I am going to shutdown. All my meltdowns are different of course.

I don't really have meltdowns anymore. I occasionally have an outburst, where I snap at everyone. I look pissed off and irritated when I'm like that, and it takes every ounce of self control to not storm out of the room or slam doors.