NT needing assistance and very confused

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Hello All,

I hope the someone can give me some guidance. I am the NT half of the AS/NT relationship. I am not married to this man but we have lived together for 3 years. He is in the process of being diagnosed. I am pretty confident that he is AS. My daughter has just gone to college so the house is currently comprised of him, myself, and his 4 children. One of which has Autism.

I am having an extremely difficult time exisiting in this situation with him because as each day passes I feel that he becomes more difficult to deal with. It's virtually impossible to have a conversation with him and he cannot control his anger. Now we are in a situation where he stays behind the bedroom doors when he is at home.

From the moment I met him I had a feeling that there is more going on than I was fully aware of. In the beginning he was very attentive. But he always became annoyed easily. Typically if things did not go as planned, if we were out and it was crowded, loud noises etc. All of which now seems to related to AS.

I have been searching for a long time to find out what could be wrong with him and get him assistance because when he is a in a good place he is a lovely individual so I had a hard time believing that his true self was so difficult. At this point I'm just exhausted and I see our relationship just deteriorating. It's extremely sad. Especially so when I am the one crying and the other person is clueless as to why I am so sad.

I am committed to being a part of putting him in a better place and I will be grateful once he has the official diagnosis but at this point I feel like I am all alone. I don't know how to survive until the day comes. I don't understand how you can tell someone you love them daily and then it just stops. Its like the entire relationship has just shut down.

I would appreciate any insight that anyone can offer as to help me get through this. Thanks in advance for reading my post:)

http://www.jamesmw.com/sixrules.htm

Here is a simple set of rules that may help--they may explain why you have so much difficulty.
Your reaction to these rules may also provide useful insight to those seeking to help you.

He needs quiet time to recharge his batteries. Spending too much time in a stressful environment is hard on his body, due to hypersensitivity. He also may have trouble with awareness of self and others from the resulting anxiety.

Hmmm.

I was in a relationship with an NT until recently.

Things which used to stress me out:

1) Raised voices - it didn't matter if he had something valid to say. I can't bear shouting end of. Made me put my hands over my ears and flip out.

2) Being interrupted whilst I was reading, dancing watching TV or some other thing I was engrossed in.

3) Him being annoyed about some sort of hint he dropped earlier which I failed to understand. Like if you ask me will I take the bins out and I say yes it means i will do it at some point before the necessary deadline elapses - it does not mean i will do it immediately or within the hour. IF that is necessary then you have to state it.

4) Trying to argue with me when theres too much background noise

5) Changing plans at short notice or just planning things last minute or at short notice. Especially social plans - need time to psyche up.

i don't know if this would be helpful. You need to know that he doesnt automatically tune into your body language or undersatnd hints. ALso he needs space and quiet time to get his equilibrium. You need to spell out to him what you need and how he can satisfy that. If he loves you and he knows what you need from him then he will try.

Thank you all for replying. I have been reading a wonderful book that has been very helpful but right now he just seems really over the edge. I have a bit of anxiety in dealing with him so I am sure that I don't always help the situation. I am looking forward to finding out exactly all of what he is dealing with and also behavioral therapy. I know he is a good person and I have no doubt in my mind that its a struggle for him. On the upside, in the almost four years that I have know his autistic daughter she has made amazing strides. She was very introverted and now she is a real social butterfly. I am very proud of her.

Almost everything sounds like AS stuff, but the inability to control anger is very concerning. I also wonder if your hope of an official diagnosis is going to be a false panacea? What will it really provide? I feel like therapy to help with these issues could easily begin now.

He wants the diagnosis because we were doing other therapy and thry could never officially diagnose anything. They said ADD, OCD, PTSD, were possibly present. He is being tested this Friday for a multitude of things. He currently takes ADD meds but it only works about every third day.

I retreat from anyone who shows emotion in their expressions. I feel less anxious and stressed when people talk to me without intonation in their voice or any facial expression.

If you are being very expressive try to cool your interactions with him.

All the children may be too much for him.

Sounds like a lot of work and all on your shoulders because he's shut down to trying to improve the relationship. I don't think it's a solution to take the whole burden upon you. A partner that doesn't want to partner in the work of improving the relationship is not a partner. Maybe couples' counseling will move him to a place where he starts wanting to take his share of the work. If he remains closed, it's a dead end. AS is not the real issue. The issue is whether he wants to go on or has shut down forever.

Oh I agree the kids are too much for him. But, they are his kids and he needs to find a way to work with them. And yes, right now dealing with all of this is a lot of work and very stressful because I'm never really sure what to do. He has said he is eager to make things
better. I'm a very social person so I'm wondering if on the AS/
NT relationship has anyone been able to really strike a balance so that both parties are happy?

I agree with Moondust. No official diagnosis will be the magic cure for his lack of positive participation in the relationship. Therapy only helps if a person is really willing to self reflect and work on strategies to improve communication and actions. Instead of focusing on changing him, all you can do is change yourself. What if the next ten years will be similar? Do you want this man, this life no matter how much he shuts down from you? How much are you willing to "take" before you break? Are you getting any support at all? From my years of being buddies with an Aspie, I know that the more he is pushed, the more he hides away. Asking questions about love and the future is pressure to him and pressure of any kind is intolerable. My suggestion is back way off (say 2 weeks or a month) and let him chill out and see what happens.

He is having a massive crisis of ego.
It may last up to 2 years.
He will come out of this a better man.....
....even by your standards.

You have to decide if you want to wait.
He may re-emerge stronger and better within only 6 months....

He needs to revisit his past life, and that of his mom and dad, and reprocess his past.... now with the aspergers filter on..... it cant be stopped....

Remind him to eat well, exercise more than ever, and avoid money making 'aspergers helpers'.......

I just wanted to point out that he's probably going through a lot of things emotionally at the moment.

Coming to the realisation that you have AS is a difficult process which generally involves reviewing a lot of your previous life experiences (and associated pain) in light of the new information to better understand them, examining the coping mechanisms you have developed and understanding which ones are appropriate, and developing new and healthier methods of dealing with your environment and your relationships with others. It's hard work.

I have been going through this process over the last month and it is a pretty overwhelming one - I pretty much had to completely shut myself off to the outside world for several weeks in order to deal with it. The length of time it might take him to process it will depend on the individual. I think I will be good in another few weeks - it definitely wouldn't take two years, more like a couple of months, but it's impossible to guess for others. However, it is probably necessary for him to have the downtime at the moment, and that in no way means he doesn't care about you. It is usually difficult for us to express how we are feeling and also to understand why others feel the way they do, so you may need to explain why you are feeling such-and-such but that you understand he needs quiet time to process the issue at the moment.

I think the anger is probably his reaction to overwhelm. Different autistic people react to it differently - some shut down and go silent, others get frustrated or angry when they can't deal with external stimuli. When he gets angry, try to identify what it is that has overwhelmed him (environment, noisy kids, too many variables to think about) and ask if X is getting too much for him, if he would be more comfortable discussing this later in a quiet environment, or whatever else you feel is the appropriate response to the overwhelm. If it was me, I would really appreciate the gesture of understanding.

Good luck with your situation!

You say things so much better than I.
But 2 years could be a realistic time frame...