Funerals

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Two weeks ago, my father passed away at the age of 75. I'm 35. At the viewing, about a dozen of my dad's colleagues and their wives, almost none of which I've met before, came. Only one white doctor showed up. Everyone else were from the same country of origin.

Well anyway, it was extremely uncomfortable on different levels. Since I have zero social skills, I could barely greet anyone and eventually I was on one side of the room all by myself and the other men, almost all doctors except an engineer and a computer business owner, were on the other side , having their own sort of party. THe wives were sitting on chairs against the wall away from me. One guy asked me how I was, and I answered "not good' He said his son looked like me and I tried , very unsuccessfully to make a joke by responding " That's unfortunate". Well he responded with a very strange look in on his face, and took my joke the wrong way. Last I saw of him until the end .

ON another level, this viewing was a nightmare because I dropped out of college long ago and never worked. My mom has been lying to people all these years telling them I was in business. I was terrified that someone was going to ask me what I did for a living , which is the typical question that adults ask of each other, I guess. Pretty much all of the children of these doctors were doctors, lawyers, MBAs, or highly successful people.

I had graduated first in my clas in HS and went to one of the best colleges in the world, but the severe anxiety , avoidant personality disorder, and constant thoughts of suicide, and extreme depression finally did me in. The straw that broke the camel's back were a couple of bad grades, including my first C ever because I was too depressed to take the final exam.

One of my dad's medical scholl chums did ask me whether I was in school or had graduated. I told him it was a long story, so he left me alone.

Two days before, the morning of my father's death at the funeral home, the wife of one of my dad's colleagues asked me what I did for a living. I simply said, with great anxiety, I don't know. What the hell am I supposed to say. I felt like a big failure. My poor father was crushed by my behavior. However, he neve understood me and never seemed to like me as a kid because I was the way I was.

The worst part of my father's death is not that I will miss him. It's that my mother will be alone. I can't be a substitute husband. And all this denial about me can't be healthy. She doesn't believe there is anything wrong with me either. Both my parents thought I was just a little bit shy!! !! !!

I don't hink I can take living with my mom. Now I am entertaining thoughts of suicide again, How the hell am I going to learn social skills as a minority at my age? White people have it so easy in this regards.

I don't think anyone would expect you to be social under the circumstances.
It's her lie. You don't have to maintain it, although it was kind of you to avoid disclosure.
Nobody in their right mind would expect you to replace your father. It's not like you're the oldest of a dozen young children and need to become "the man of the house" to help your mother raise your siblings. Your mother will have to go through her own grieving process. You can't do it for her.
Do you have to live with your mother? If your father was 75 then your mother is probably also at an age where you should be considering your inevitable independance. You should do what's best for you, which starts with a visit to your doctor to discuss your depression. I think most of the people here at WrongPlanet have been suicidal at some point due to frustration or bullying, but we're still here. I read somewhere (on here, I think) that people who survive jumping off of bridges inevitably say they realized on the way down that they had the power to change everything in their life except gravity. You CAN get past this.
I think you are mistaken. White people with AS are just as clueless as non-whites when it comes to learning social skills. You don't have to restrict your social interactions to members of your own ethnic background.

I agree with everything Jetson has said.

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time. It is very kind of you to think of your mother's feelings in this situation, especially when you yourself were not very close to your father. A few months ago, my grandfather passed away, and my biggest concern was my father, because he does not show much emotion, and it made me worried that he was keeping it all bottled up inside. My mother reassured me that she would talk to him, and he shared his feelings with her when he was ready. Perhaps you need to do something similar with your mother.

Give her some time, if she is not yet ready to deal with those feelings, but make sure she knows that you are there for her when she needs you.

At funerals, people are rarely a comfort to the family of the deceased. The whole purpose of funerals is social. I think you shouldn't judge yourself to harshly about that. I hate funerals and try to avoid them.

I also don't think you should be so hard on yourself about your career short-comings.

1. Have you thought about going back to school?
2. Are you under the care of a doctor for your depression?
3. Have you considered talking to your mother about getting her help with ABA?
4. Are you diagnosed? Getting diagnosed may help explain the nervous break-down you had in school your first time around. Your mother might surprise you and become a champion for you. Mothers, particularly when they don't have husbands around and other social expectations tend to look to their kids. Don't try to be a husband... she probably still wants to be your mother.
5. Your mom has a really tough grieving process to go through. It will take her some time to find her footing again.
6. Yes, race does make things more difficult. I'm sorry white folks suck so bad. Years ago an article was written about the most women-friendly places to live... I wonder if there is a "Most Black Friendly" place to live or "Most Hispanic Friendly" place to live. If it hasn't been done, it ought to be.

I was a disappointment to my mother until I got married. This feels good and bad. I wasn't capable of functioning at work, but now work is temporarily a non-issue. I suppose my mother thinks I'm not such a loser if I'm validated by a good husband, blah blah blah.

My husband has encouraged me to become an artisan, which I am working toward. Perhaps, if your mother is already supporting you, you could become an artist, too. ...or some such thing. I always thought piano tuning and repair was the perfect job for me.

I think that when a close relative has died, it is not the time to focus too much attention inward in a harsh, judgemental way. Whatever either of your parents "think", they still love you. Society sucks. Where it intersects with your mother... sucks.

Sorry for rambling. I know the more I say won't make you feel better, but I hope you're alright.

-Eva