The next person that says to me...

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"Oh but you are doing so well" is getting punched in the face.
I'm sick of people thinking that people on the spectrum are doing nothing to help ourselves and that we do nothing but drain resources. My social disability is real. I've gone through years of learning and trial and error and observance to get to the point where I can start a conversation. I've spent painstaking hours with a psychologist who has taught me the difference between being rude and speaking my mind. I'm not at a perfect social level. I still slip up sometimes, but I think about every single thing that comes out of my mouth when I am in a group of neurotypicals and I go through scenarios before I say it as to what their reaction will be.
Does anyone else feel this way? Because it seems like every time someone says this to me I start to feel more and more on the spectrum.
ARHGAHJDGSA
/rant.

I take it as a compliment. My boss has said that to me before while I was going through a meltdown and there I was still working because I was being strong than hiding in a closet and doing it or else the work wouldn't get done and I would get off later than sooner. I figured it just meant I was doing a very good job hiding it despite the fact he saw something was wrong so I did a very good job hiding most of it. So it was a compliment.

Yes. This one does drive me nuts but I suppose some people dont quite know what to say (I can at least relate to that feeling ) and just want to say something they see as positive.

In what situation do they say "oh but you are doing so well"?

I don't mind it. It's the truth that I am doing purrrty well now, eggspecially compared to before.

No one really knows about my aspergers so I haven't heard anything like this. But just reading it I see it as an insult also. It's like they see you as a lesser person that needs to be talked down to. They act like we are less capable to deal with everyday life. I have issues but most of them I can at least try to figure out. I'm not clueless as to what I should be doing. I have a hard time communicating with people, you'll never see me at a club, I'll never be the life of a party. SO F*****G WHAT!! ! I'm the same way. I'm always quiet in person. I'd rather say nothing than say something that's gonna make someone look at me like I have 2 heads. Like "WTF Did he just say?"

Ok same here. That was my rant on the topic.

I for one prefer girls that speak their mind...not engage in all that subtlety+hidden message+bovine smallchat.

Keep being awesome I say

"I still slip up sometimes, but I think about every single thing that comes out of my mouth when I am in a group of neurotypicals and I go through scenarios before I say it as to what their reaction will be. "

I do that all the time too.

Do you mean in the context of "Oh, you can't possibly have a disability, because you're doing so well!" Because yes, I would really hate that. But I'm not diagnosed, so everyone just thinks I'm aloof and helpless.

Actually, when I tried to talk to a psychologist about possibly having Asperger's, she told me that my body language, eye contact, and general communication skills were totally normal, so I could not possibly have a disability. I went home not knowing whether to smile or cry. I mean, it sounds like all that hard work I put into observing and mimicking NT's paid off!!

I find this really annoying also. I had a lady tell me this after I told her about my AS and she told me after 1 minute of speaking with me that "obviously you are doing fine". Huh? What would she know? I have learnt a lot and put a lot of hard work in, and it still requires that hard work to maintain it. Doesn't mean that I don't also struggle.

An analogy could be with someone who is physically very fit & healthy. It takes a lot of work for someone to get physically fit. It then continues to take hard work to maintain that level of fitness. They weren't born that fit. They have educated themselves over many years on how best to be fit, and then they put a lot of effort into it all, every day.

I guess it depends on what you are looking for from others when they say the comment.

If you are wanting others to understand you and be compassionate with your struggles, then that comment isn't welcome.

But if you are feeling happy with how well you have done with your observations and education and work, then that comment could be welcome, as others have said.

I really hate this as well. Especially when I'm upset/heading towards a meltdown/meltdown/cooling off after a meltdown. Neurotypicals tend to say stuff like that to others when they are upset, like putting a salve on a wound to soothe it. I find it insincere and 99.9% of the time I will turn around and snap at them.

Heard it last Friday. Didn't want to explode that time. Luckily only the 2nd time I had to explain myself that evening.

It is a compliment but OH SO FRUSTRATING!

As if being on the spectrum means you CANNOT do well-- or as if "looking normal" and truly doing well are one and the same.

Well, anyway, I think it's probably more indicative of peoples' ignorance than anything actually about us.

That doesn't help much.

My cousin told me the samething.... yet I didn't want to snap at him about it..... If someone else told me, I would just act weird and tell them to go to heaven and make a u-turn.

what would be a response that would be helpful or appropriate? also, it seems like different responses would be best in different situations. the response to someone saying they have asperger's in a relaxed situation would probably be different if the person was going into meltdown.

What would you have people say instead?

Not to pick a fight-but if you're gonna state a negative- you oughtta give a positive alternative.

You really have to look at intent. If they're trying to dismiss your condition, then by all means be insulted. But if they're trying to uplift your spirits, it's a compliment, and should be taken graciously (though I know how hard that is). Of course you're entitled to your emotions (including frustration, and anger), but your reaction should be based on intent.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland...I give [others] very, very good advice but I rarely ever follow it.