How Social "Rules" Can Be Hypocritical

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The following is a skit, written by James Williams. His website is: http://www.jamesmw.com/ It is from his first speech, done in 2000.

It shows how the social "rules" we are expected to obey can be downright hypocritical. The worst offense here is what I have underlined near the top vs. what I put in bold later on.

Father: I'm taking Lauren and her friend to the new mall. It's time to go, James. We'll leave the mall by four so you won't miss your TV program.

James is busily studying his maps and doesn't want to be disturbed. However, he forces himself to change his focus so he can fit in. He studies how to get to the new mall then prints out a map.

James: I printed out a map to get to the mall.

He hands it to his dad, and James is proud that he can contribute to the situation.

Lauren: Oh no, there he goes again. That's my weird brother.

Father: Thanks, James. Now get in the car.

The dad leaves the map on the table, forgotten. This hurts James's feelings, but no one notices. At the mall, they go to a movie, where the father buy treats that James is allergic to. Then they stop at a Barbie doll store, where James is bored to death. Finally it's four o'clock--time to go home.

James: It's time to go home!

Jacqueline [the friend]: I don't want to go home! Can't we go to the arcade store?

James: It's time to go home. We were supposed to leave at four.

Lauren: There he goes again. Obsessed with time.

Father: James, you have to be more cooperative. You'll just have to miss your show.

James: But YOU said--

Father: We do tons of things for you. The whole house revolves around you. You think the sun rises and sets around you. Think of someone else for a change.

James: But I'm hungry. I didn't get to eat any of the stuff you bought in the movie because it had wheat in it.

Lauren: There he goes again.

Father: Now you know, James, you don't really have a wheat allergy. You mother made that all up just to bother you. Why don't you eat one of these nice cookies?

James: No! I'll get a headache.

Jacqueline: Can we go, please? I really want to see the arcade store.

Father: We'll go in a minute. I'm just teaching James a lesson in cooperation.

Jacqueline tries to be nice.

Jacqueline: Do you like Britney Spears, James?

James is tired and hungry and not in the mood to be nice.

James: No!

Jacqueline [stepping back]: Gee, I was just trying to be nice. [To Lauren]: Your brother really IS weird.

Lauren: I know. He's an SP.

Jacqueline: What's that?

Lauren: It's when you're weird.

Father: Come on, girls.

They walk past a map store that says MAP SALE.

James: Hey, look at that! I need a new map of Illinois. Can we go in?

Lauren: Oh no, not this again.

James: I'll just take a minute.

Father [sternly]: No, you can't go in. Why are you always so greedy and selfish? We have a guest, and what she wants comes first.

Jacqueline: Yeah, what I want comes first.

Lauren: Yeah, what she wants comes first.

James [thinking]: Why are they entitled to be selfish and rude and think only of themselves, but I'm not? The world is just too weird to figure out.

Later they go to the mini-playground in the mall. James is still hungry because his father refused to find him a wheat-free treat.

Lauren: Want to play with us? We need a bad guy.

James: No.

Jacqueline: Come on. We need another person.

Father [lecturing James]: How are you going to learn to interact with other kids if you don't play with them?

James: I don't want to play with them. I'm hungry, and I want to go home.

Father: You HAVE to play with them.

James: Okay. THEN can we go?

James goes up to Lauren and says . . .

James: I'm the evil monster, and I'm so hungry, I'm going to eat you on the spot.

Lauren: That's dumb.

Jacqueline: Yeah, that's dumb. Say something else.

James: That's how I want to play it.

Lauren: James, you're always so selfish. Can't you think of anybody but yourself?

Father: James, play nicely.

James [angrily]: BUT I'M THE MONSTER! HOW CAN I BE NICE?

Other people stare at him.

Father: Oh, no. Now you're making a scene. It's hopeless. Why can't you learn to fit in?

James: I want to go home!

Father: Okay, girls. We have to take the prince home.

Lauren: You spoiled my playdate! I had no fun! You're a creep.

James: But I didn't get to do anything that I wanted to do.

Lauren: What you want to do is always weird.

Father: Stop being selfish, James.

Yeah, I think sometimes my parents, especially, think I'm a "princess" because I want to leave, for example, a wedding reception early. Never mind the fact that I can't really participate.

That sounds like my whole life.

I am tempted to think that the rest of James' family are evil monsters out to make James suffer. But I resist this temptation. Why? Because BOTH sides think that they're bending over backwards to please the other, while the other doesn't see it that way. Neither side is doing for the other what they think they're doing! Although I think it takes context from the other skits (some other examples of things that went on in James' childhood) to truly see how the family thinks they bend over backwards to James, but James doesn't see it that way.

I would also have been very upset if they changed their minds at the last minute about leaving at four. But it sounds like James handled it better than me. I am glad my family wasn't like that. They were at times but not always. What they do is one of my parents would take me home and the rest stay. Then when I could drive, I would go home on my own. Then TIVO really helped.

I remember some of that stuff. The part where he makes his dad a map and he leaves it on the table hits close to home.

Yes, very often, autistics are labelled "selfish" or "manipulative," just because we want our way AFTER all the NTs have gotten THEIR way. My solution has been to not participate in social, shopping, or sight-seeing trips, unless there is something in it for me at the beginning, then I don't count on getting any favors during or after.

For instance, if family of friends are going on a shopping trip to a store I don't want to go to, then I will ask that we stop to eat at a restaurant that like before we leave. If they don't want to do that, then I'll stay home. If they do agree, then after that, they can do whatever they want and I'll be happy to play along!

If I had a penny for all the times my family has called me selfish and manipulative, I'd be a millionaire.

One time, my mother had planned for my family to go out to dinner for my birthday. I didn't find out about this plan until the day of (it was not meant to be like a surprise party, she just never bothered to tell me). As it happens I felt sick that day and just looking at food made me feel like I was going to throw up. I explained that I was not feeling well and couldn't go out to eat that night. She got so mad that I dared ruin her plans. She said it was just because I wanted to watch a new House MD episode (it wasn't, I even proved that there wasn't a new episode on that night). So she and my family went out to eat without me and for good measure, she gave all my birthday presents to my brothers. Before she left and again when she got home, she lectured me for being selfish and unreasonable. I still don't understand how everything managed to be my fault.

That skit looks like outright favoritism of his father for his daughter. I didn't read anything else that gives an idea of what his family's like usually or I don't know who James Williams is. I can see James's needs and feelings are totally ignored and his father (and the others) fails to see it. AS could be playing a role in it. It could also be because his sister is good at manipulating his father (that could be an NT trait). It could also be because of some fathers' tendency to always give priority to their girls and neglect boys' personal needs ("Boys shouldn't complain" kind of idea). Whatever it is, I see the hypocricy there. I would go crazy if I had to live with such a family. Luckily my family wasn't like that. But something like this could happen in other situations where colleagues or friends etc treat you as if you were "selfish". It's very frustrating.

I think it'd be just about as much of a nightmare for a lone NT kid, with both parents and any siblings Aspie!

Suppose one parent is fascinated with maps, and takes time to print out a map while the NT kid knows where the mall is already. This would be boring for the NT kid. Once at the mall the parents may not be able to see that the NT kid can eat foods they can't, and thus the NT kid won't get the foods he wants! Or else the NT kid will be embarrassed to be seen with a family eating such "weird" foods. The family will do a weird form of "shopping" involving their special interests while the NT kid wants to look at clothes and such, and will be denied because the Aspies are in charge and they cannot conceive of interest in clothes and fashion. They'll drag the NT kid kicking and screaming away from the mall right at 4:00 PM because there's some TV show (boring as hell to the NT kid) that the Aspies don't want to miss, possibly even driving like a maniac and frightening the NT kid to get home if the NT kid puts up a fight and delays the family! I'd call that quite stressful to a NT!

Any input from NT's (or anyone, for that matter) on how to make the scenario in this post more accurate would be appreciated.

So wait... I don't get it... not everyone would be POed if they were forced to miss their show because some stranger wants to go to the arcade? It's not normal to be like James? Wut?

I'm so confused....

It is absolutely the norm to be like James. It's so common that I think you'd have a hard time finding a kid (of any neurology) who had siblings who didn't assume their parents favored the siblings.

In this skit, the father so blatantly favors the daughter over the son that it really does seem to be written from the point of view of a kid. If you asked the daughter to write her version of the events, she'd come up with a version where the father refused any visit to the doll store and where she was never allowed to eat cookies ever even though she didn't have a wheat allergy.

If you asked the father for his version of the events, he'd give a version where he tried as hard as he could to accomodate both kids yet both reframed events as though he was favoring the other. In the father's version he might have offered James popcorn (after all they were at a movie theater in this skit, where finding wheat-free treats is actually easier than finding ones with wheat) but James refused.

All in all, I think this skit mostly just shows that kids routinely see the world as though their sibling is favored.

Sometimes parents really do favor one sibling over the other, but I think it's far more common for parents to attempt to balance the needs of all their kids yet this attempted balancing act will not be percieved by the kids until well into adulthood, perhaps when they have kids of their own and see it from the parents' point of view and have to listen to their kids saying "not fair!" when the parents were trying as hard as they could to be fair.


Nothing in this skit is fair. The father is favoring the daughter entirely and giving no importance whatsoever to James' needs. But then again, it's written from the point of view of James.

James was, in fact, 11 years old when he wrote this. So his memory of it might be skewed towards his interpretation of what people said (even with him trying to be objective), but it still highlights how an ASD kid tends to interpret things! I do wish there were versions of the story written by the other family members.

Could it be that giving a NT woman with a "typical" interest in clothes and fashion, say, a 1-hour time limit clothes shopping where she normally likes to spend 5 hours is as hard on her as giving an Aspie ZERO time with his special interests would be to him? This could be a possible explanation for Lauren thinking the family's always bending over backwards to James at her expense...

I thought James was autistic in the story.

That sounds like many of the arguments my parents and I have. I tell my mom I don't want to go somewhere because I want to be back in time, say for a tv show, and she says that as long as I go, we'll only stay a little while, and I'll be back in more than enough time for the show, so I go. As the hour is approaching, I remind my parents that it's time, that they promised. It will take a lot of nagging, usually resulting in that I'm late for my show, and that my parents are furious and yelling at me, reminding me of everything they do for me, that I want to control their lives, they can never go anywhere because I don't allow it and a whole lot of other things. It usually ends in disaster, basically. But all I really wanted was to watch my show like I do every day. It could have been just as simple if my parents had gone on their own, and I stayed.

Dead on. You are very insightful.

To hear my kids tell stories about what happened, sometimes you would think they were talking about two entirely different situations.

I do not find fault with either kid in this scenario. But I do find fault with the dad. If he is going to say they can go home at 4, he either needs to make sure that that happens or accept absolute responsibility for the fall-out if it doesn't. I mean, to be completely honest, there have been times where I told one of my kids something, then changed it to suit the wishes of the other kid. Sometimes plans change. But I have never held it against the kid who's expectations were violated when they were upset. Of course they are going to be upset. It's absolutely reasonable. And it's my fault for setting up the situation, not either kids' fault. I am the one who is wrong.

I get very annoyed by parents who set their kids up and then take no responsibility for it. It's just crappy parenting.