Sometimes I give NT responses, but I'm Aspie

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Not sure if some of you experience this too, but sporadically I will respond in an NT-like fashion to someone, be it a co-worker or acquaintance or whatever. On several occasions, I've had an NT person ask me something like "So tell me, what do you think of such-and-such?" - in relation to something they've created, or something they like, or something they have some attachment to. Even if I didn't like or agree with the thing in question, I found myself subconsciously replying in a tentative way: "Oh....well, I think it's interesting. It has some pretty cool features, I've gotta say." (even though I sensed my non-verbal giving me away, but not in a gross sense!)

The person responded "Ok, so you don't really like it." And instead of breaking down and being honest, I replied "No...no...it's got some good attributes for sure, I mean, look at (insert random attribute)." I did this all spontaneously w/o thinking twice or freezing up and giving the honest (but inappropriate) reply. So even though I'm Aspie through and through, it's like I had a sudden surge of NT-ness. But I don't think I did this much until after the age of 25 and really wish I knew this sooner as it would have benefited me more in life in general!!

So, in the end, the person seemed downcast, but at least I wasn't regarded as a social nincompoop. In a way it kind of felt good though, to give an NT the taste of their own medicine, i.e. in these instances, the other person clearly wished I had been more upfront with them about what I really thought of it. Maybe one of those people was taken aback by my response, who knows, because he/she expected me to revert to my default Aspie "program" of bluntness and that wasn't what they got!!

Be glad! Coming off even slightly like an NT and still being an Aspie is a gift. I'm used to it, heck, I've told people that I'm on the spectrum and they've have dropped their jaws or said "I couldn't tell". I know auties and Aspies that could (and do so on a daily basis) come off as being completely or almost completely NT. A friend of mine from college is two years younger, is in a sorority, has a boyfriend and until she sent me a text a year and a half ago admitting it, I couldn't even tell she was on the spectrum.

But I think all of us on the spectrum need to learn how to approach questions and answering them much more effectively. It's a valuable skill.

I'm an Aspie, and I'll often pretend to like something that someone else has or is interested in, not because of social custom, but because I don't want to make them feel bad.

When someone is going on and on about something that I couldn't care less about, I just sit there and pretend I'm interested. Far too many times I've been rejected or insulted, and I know how terrible it feels. I don't want others to feel the same way. Plus, If I act disinterested whenever someone talks about something they like, then they won't like me. I know that if I want to make any friends at all, then I have to put up with some annoyances.

NT style conversation content/volume/rhythm can be learned. None of us live completely cut off from NT society, we learn whether actively trying to do so or not. Having some sort of grasp of how to act NT in order to prevent causing offense or triggering a negative reaction from another person is good. Necessary skill, in fact, for functioning independently in the world.

On a side note, learned behaviour over time is one of the primary reasons diagnosing ASD's in adults is a tricky affair for the physician. Children present a much cleaner set of behaviours, minimally affected by the adapted social acting skill that comes over time.

My general rule is to pretend to like everything that an NT claims to like, and to dislike everything that an NT claims to dislike. If I'm feeling too uncomfortable with direct dishonesty then I'll find something about the object, interest, perspective, etc that I do like and focus on that.

The purpose of these interactions ranges from entertainment to bonding to reinforcing social roles or status hierarchies, but among NTs eliciting honest opinions doesn't appear to be a goal (considering that negative reactions to honest opinions are very common, and that NTs consistently "fake" interests themselves).

I still sometimes have trouble because I can view these interactions as inauthentic, inefficient, and downright fraudulent, but for the most part I've learned to tolerate it as a necessary skill.

Here's a thought - even though you think this person really wanted you to be upfront, I don't think they actually wanted you to be upfront at all. In fact, you probably did exactly the right thing. It's just not the thing to do going around being brutally honest, even when someone asks for it. It's like when a woman says "does my bum look big in this?" She might ask five times, each time demanding a more truthful answer, but let me tell you if that answer turns out to be anything other than 'no!', you fail.

Being social is far more about reading between the lines than reading the words themselves. The guy may have picked up on the fact that you thought whatever it was wasn't great at all, but he can never be sure, and therefore you've helped him to save face and no-one's ego is in tatters. It's all a very delicate game, and this vid from RSA Animate encapsulates it brilliantly: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-son3EJTrU


I completely agree. Completely.


I used to do this, but now I like to slip in a few deviations, like "Yeah, actually, I never really liked that band," and the like. Keeps it sounding authentic.

Exactly.

I also used to have the same outlook, until I realised (okay, my counsellor told me) what people talk about isn't usually the point of the conversation (as you explained above). She described it as 'exchanging youself' rather than just 'exchanging ideas'. So now when I find myself needing to engage in (what I usually see as ridiculously pointless) small talk, I tell myself that I'm helping maintain the foundations of society (why not give myself an ego boost while I'm at it?) and probably providing some needed endorphins to my conversational partner. It's weird how loved people can feel when you talk to them about the weather - very enthusiastically.

This is exactly how I am.

The worst is when you pretend to like something and it snowballs into a "shared interest." One of the nicest people I have ever known was interested in reenacting the American Civil War, which I feigned an interest in at first. From there on he was constantly trying to get me to go and do this with him.