Aspie Men Married to NT Women

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I came across this website from an article while I was research A/S

If there already is a thread dedicated to A/S Men married to NT Women, please let me know. Since this is my main concern, I don't want to start a thousand threads for each different question.

I am 6 months into marriage and I'm finding it difficult as emotional days for my wife make me shutdown or spazz out and make her much more upset.

Also, i have a few questions on sex and how other A/S men or NT women married to A/S men, deal with lack of emotion toward sex and possible infidelity.

Thanks and i look forward to discussions.

I am a ASD guy with a NT wife of 7 years.

If you think its harrowing now, wait until the children come along!

Not to sidetrack, but how the hell did you start a relationship with your wives? Usually our quirks are, how can I say it? Extreme off-putting to most NT women.

Just answer it super-short if you can. I want to keep this on track, but had to ask.

She gets emotional, she'll always get emotional. You need to listen and not get upset because that's the way she is. She'll never get over you not being emotional about sex, just say what she wants to hear. And as far as infidelity goes, make sure you both understand what each other's rules are. I told my girlfriend that if she cheats we are done, no ifs ands or buts. She didn't like hearing that, she thought it was callous, I told her I was just letting her know and I wouldn't bring it up again.

Well, if this counts, my son refers to our relationship as "heart married" We are in every way except legal paperwork. We also have a 2 year old child together. I am the NT and he is AS as is my 13 year old son. I highly suspect our daughter is not AS. I came to WP for similar reasons as you have. Wanting help to work out the bumps in my relationship. I have to say I have learned a lot here and I would be happy to help with communication ideas from a NT female perspective. Sadly, it seems all of the information out there in books and internet just discusses how difficult these relationships are. For me, understanding his feelings the way he feels them by getting other AS men's perspective has been almost magic. I have to say though. As the NT at first it is a lot of work. And I don't mean that in a nasty way. He is well worth it to me. I am an emotional thinker. Things in my life are not based in "here is doccumentation to support my opinion" I feel it so it "is" for me. This is a huge communication issue when he just flat can not process that way. I will say, he does all he can to make me happy and do the things I would like. So since I am the one who is capeable of taking my emotional thought and making it concrete for him, at least most of the time, I do it. I can explain more if you are interested but I can get rather long winded. Some people like that some don't.

Is it you or she who has lack of emotion toward sex? If it is you do you just not care one way or the other or do you flat not want it. Or are you more referring to no visable emotion in her opinion? And I will assume it is she you feel is unfaithful. I have never and would never be unfaithful but I will say we have had huge sexual issues and his lack of visable emotion added to that as well. I posted a question under the Adult Forum about needing advice mostly from Aspie males. This will give you an idea weather or not our sexual issues are similar and how I ended up dealing with it without me having to clutter your post.

The other poster is right about kids making it more complicated. But this is not an impossible situation. I am happy to share all the information I have and even help you talk to your emotional wife with out making her more angry if you would like me to. But as you asked for Married AS/NT I want to make sure first that you are interested in my responses.

I will have to answer over the course of a couple of posts due to time at the moment. First.. although many may not all women find the quirks offputting and it is not about a project either. I spent the majority of our relationship not knowing he was AS, just different. I hate sports, and am attracted to artistic men, he was kind and quiet. The lack of expression was hard for me because I had always been great at reading people but I thought it was due to a hidious childhood, relationships and his ex wife.

Yes, your wife will always be emotional but later I will help you with that. We don't KNOW what it feels like to be you so we don't understand the extent of what we are doing to you. Belive me I have been mortified that I ever put him through the insanity. I HAVE changed. Not who I am, not my emotions, but how I communicate them to him. Just last night I had to communicate something that was totally emotional and no way to make it concrete. Then I told him that I know he doesn't get it. It is purly emotional and I understand that. And that I was not upset with him. He was fine with it. But I make sure to find the root of the issue and explain the actual "why" of it on his terms. I know those of you with AS far more often meet women who work against you but that doesn't mean we all do. And she doesn't want you to tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to understand each other. I am sure she is frustrated because you don't. I was.

Is there a reason you are aware of as to why there is not enough sex? For most NT women sex drive is based on emotional connection and she may adore you but if she is feeling emotionally unconnected she may not desire sex. It doesn't mean that you can't get that. As I have said... he didn't have to make the changes. We just had to learn how to get what I feel into terms he understands. Which is both easy and difficult. Difficult because I have to enter a different level of my own personal understanding and have found it shocking... more on that later.

Do aspies view all people, let alone women, as a utility and not people? How about kids? Are hedonism and Asperger's synonymous?

Ok... I am sure you would like to address the sex part first but if you address the other issue first I suspect the sex will take care of it self. Most NT women want emotion and intimacy and without that they lose interest in sex. Or at least sex with the person they want the intimacy with. This doesn't mean cheating just that she would rather take care of her sexual needs solo. So I know at the moment this sounds like an impossible task since her emotions cause you to melt down. I am going to make some assumptions here and feel free to correct me... She comes in and is emotional about something "stupid" you have no idea why she emotional about it and you don't know what she wants you to say or do. So you tend to get it wrong and she gets more upset. Of course you do realize that when you just stare at her and don't say a word or you say it will be ok that it means you don't love her and you don't care about what she is going through don't you. And now you are thinking "this girl is nuts." when a woman is feeling emotional and she is with a NT guy he knows the dance and how to do it. If he doesn't bother then it is because she doesn't matter that much to him and that is the "code" she understands based on experience. But you don't know what to say and what to do how can your survive. So simple. You need to exchange secret decoder rings! All of the things I am typing here you are able to read. Each letter is a symbol and you know these symbols. when we were kids cereal boxes would come with secret decoders and you could read messages with it because you knew what symbol represented the one you were familiar with. Those with AS feel deeply and passionately. They just feel at different degrees and the way they express it is not always the way we NT are use to. It also is not a standard between all AS. For example. when stressed my boyfriend appears angry and my son appears disrespectful. They each have their own secret code that I have to learn. For me it is not thaaatttt hard. The more I am aware of it the easier it becomes. when I send him a long gushing email telling him how happy I am, something he said he loves and needs, he often doesn't respond. I use to get hurt. I now know that as much as he really wants this I go on to long and he doesn't know how he is supposed to respond. Before I got hurt, now I am like... ooops long winded again lol. I am ok, I don't feel unloved, and he doesn't have to try to guess at how I am expecting him to respond which he finds overwhelming.

So how do you do this? Communication is an issue and you need to communicate about communicating and I am sure you want to shut down right now. It is simple. First, I suggest you write it. Even if you sit next to her and say please read this. I use email and text often. Although after coming here and getting part of the code that he couldn't give me I have gotten much better at just speaking. For us I made these moves. You are going to have to do it on your end. She will be responsive though.

The fact that she is very emotional is actually helpful. She will be more in tune to what you are trying to tell her. I will tell you she will always be emotionally driven just as you will always be a logic based person, but you will learn her codes and find it easy to grasp her concept even if it is not logical to you and she will learn how to express what she is really feeling in a way that you can grasp it and the whole thing will no longer be so overwhelming for either of you.

To get the ball rolling she needs to hear something like this. I love you with all my heart and I want to give you what you need, and it makes me feel awful when I don't do that for you. I just need some help from you to be able to do this. I understand you feel things and I am based in pure logic. If I understood what you were feeling and what you want from me I wont get frustrated trying to guess. when I am spending my time guessing at what I am supposed to be doing I am missing what you are saying. I do want to give these things to you I just don't understand what would make you happy.

The way I learned how to tell him things was by following a drill. It sounds kind of silly but I ask my self what do I want, why do I want it and how do I want him to give it to me. The best part is I have had to really explore my self and have started to be able to see where some things just don't make sense. Like I was upset that he forgot our anniversary. I knew he would. He remembers birthdays and valentines because there are clues but this is just some random day. I could have hinted but I didn't. So I was upset that he didn't love me and I don't matter because he didn't remember. Ummm... yeah, pretty dumb. He knew I was upset but he didn't know why. If I said because you forgot our anniversary and if you loved me you would I would have been telling the truth but he would not get how forgetting a date determines his love for me. So instead I said... "I want to tell you why I was upset so you understand, but I have realized it is my fault I was upset and not yours" Then I tell him I wanted him to remember and I expected him to read my mind that it was important to me. But I see that makes no sense. Now that he didn't have to work out the puzzle that is my insane mind he ended up responding exactly how I wanted. He said he was sorry he forgot but that it doesn't mean he doesn't love me. He loves me every day but not more on one day. The date is important to him because it makes me happy and he asked me next time to give him a reminder. The more I don't make him guess the more he actually is able to react the way I hope for. Like today.. I am sick and he sent me a text saying he hoped I was doing ok. when I got home he asked me how I was feeling. There was so much stress before it never occured to him. I need that and now I get it. Now I will say that sometimes there is no logical way for me to explain something. Like me being upset because "I want to want to do something but now I don't want to" I actually had that conversation last night (more detail but that was the confusing part) I told him I know it doesn't make sense and he did nothing wrong it is purely emotional and sometimes I just am. He was told that is all it was so he doesn't have to decode and I get to be upset simply because I am and there is no reason based in logic. The fact that he was staring at me with a blank look on his face sort of made me laugh to myself. Not in a mocking way, but because I know I am nuts sometimes and it is ok for him to think it I don't misread him.

Once you are able to communicate, and once you each know what you need from each other she will feel closer to you. Sex with an aspie is complicated too but I will have to discuss that a little later.

JRR.. I met my boyfriend on a dating site on line. He told me he was nervous before the date. So not making eye contact was just him being shy so I thought. what type of "wacky body movements"? Sometimes if something bothers you it stands out more to you than to others. On line is great because the person you are talking to gets to know the person you are before you meet and they are not so concerned with picking apart physical traits. To be honest I just thought he was "not a typical guy" not all macho and rough and that is what I liked about him.

Si 82 this is not just an AS/NT issue. It is a man woman issue. I know how awful you feel for what you put your wife through. I feel the same way. I was never hateful or cruel in an evil way. But I didn't understand things and they frustrated me. I have a teen, he is AS, I have a loud energetic 2 year old, a complex job, I have to take care of the details of our life and you are going to ask me if we have toilet paper? Open the cabinet and look already. I didn't say that. I w ould say. I don't know you will have to look. Now I just answer. Or even more often go get it for him. I now realize he is dealing with something stressful and really can't decide to just go look. Or nights like tonight. He went out to get three things to make dinner and came back with two. It upsets him. I use to let him figure it out. Which meant him going back out. Instead I just spoke in a calm tone and said no problem. I will just run up to target and get it. He knows I am sick and was truly compassionate in saying he didn't want me to have to go. I told him I didn't mind and even took the cranky baby because he can't cook when she is demanding without getting overwhelmed. Although I started doing all of this because i love him and I want him to be happy I have gotten something unexpected from it. All of that time he would have spent trying to read my words body language and facial expressions is now spent remembering the little gestures that matter to me. He may not get why I need him to Renner to say thank you, or ask how I am feeling but he knows it matters to me and I matter to him. It means even more to ne because I know it is for me that he does it. I am sure your wife stayed for the same reason I would do anything for my boyfriend. There are far more good qualities in a man with AS than there are difficult ones. Even the communication "problem" was a positive thing. We communicate better than I have with any man ever. If I broke things down for a NT man the way I do for him the NT guy would think I was nuts. I keep wondering what makes those with AS question their feelings. From what I have read and see you feel the same things you just show your feelings differently. How does anyone really know what an emotion feels like to anyone else?it is your perception. A great example...we went out to eat last weekend. Where we were sitting there was a large tv playing football. My boyfriend was watching the game. Anyone who walked by would see a football fan watching the game. I know that my boyfriend hates sports and was looking at the tv but I would bet a million dollars he was thinking about us going down to the beach after dinner for some night photography and he was calculating how he was going to set the shutter speed to produce the desired effect.