Being "pigeonholed" - how do you deal with it?

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One thing I really detest as someone with Aspergers is when people tell you that they "don't see you doing such-and-such". Like for example, in my youth when I played a bit of guitar I wanted to be in a band that my room-mate (and friend) was organizing. When I told someone in my circle about it, he said "I really don't see you being in a band." Likewise, in university, I tried to join a society/club and people would say "I don't see you being part of such-and-such." Even recently, when I wanted to get involved in gardening, my wife said to me "I don't see you being a gardener, you're not really in tune with that sort of thing."

So of course I retort "Well if I don't get more involved in (such-and-such), then of course I'm not going to be in tune with it!!"

Talk about a circular argument at its finest!! !

I even had a former boss tell me that I'm only fit for teaching people with minimal questions as I can't handle back-and-forth interactions. I've proven that wrong before and after receiving that comment though. It was just a very strong bias.

Sure, there can be reasonable limits on pigeonholing/restricting somebody in this manner. Like, it's not as if I'm asking to take up motorbiking or go skydiving. So as long as it's not something that would be more likely to cause harm to myself or others, why not partake in the activity?? Sometimes of course it's just a pretext to "put us in our place". That we're somehow not worthy of such pursuits, or they wish to keep certain activities with "exclusive" membership - well, that's evolutionary psychology for you.

Drawing a parallel, I can still remember in the 1980s as a kid when some public awareness ad talked about blind or partially crippled people going skiing just like everyone else, and other kids scoffed at the notion. I was more favourable towards it; I guess I sensed something within myself that compelled me to feel that way.

The way I've learned to deal with pigeonholing is as follows. I first reflect on whether there's any validity to what is being said. If there isn't and I really do want to pursue activity X, then I earnestly set out to do so, defying all the presumptions. Performing well in something that "I wasn't cut out for" is extremely satisfying. If you've got the right determination, this is one way to implant seeds of uncertainty into the heads of naysayers.

I don't understand that mentality at all. I am NT and when I four.d out my son was AS (diagnosed) and my boyfriend is as well (undiagnosed but undeniable) in both cases I was very happy about it. I never saw/see it as a disability. I truly detest the stigma as if there is something "wrong"or "abnormal" about it. Although
based on my way of writing and feelings on the subject more than one person here has suggested that I am... There is not doubt that I am not if you knew me in person. There is nothing you can't do if you set your mind to it. If you want it prove them all wrong. Don't let their attitudes make you too selfconcious to try. If you play guitar well join a band. My boyfriend was in one for years and I heard one of his old band members tell him they have never been able to replace him. He could play well.. the only thing AS did was make him not realize when women were hitting on him. And gardening.. what do you have to lose there? I am awful at it despite being interested in it. I came to this site because I wanted to make life better in my home. I hated frustrateing those I cared for and being frustrated by them. Every book and article I picked up had the same theme. Oh how hard it is to deal with someone with As.. it is such hard work. That upset me. I couldn't believe there was no way around this. I thought... If I could just understand what it "feels" like to be AS. I found this site and I have been so amazed. For a group of people who are rumored to not have feelings or show emotion, something that I felt was a stpid thing to say based on my Aspies who I always thought felt more emotion I just couldn't always "read"the meaning, I have been able to get as close as anyone can ever get to understanding. Those with AS who have commented on my post or on my responses in other posts know exactly what they are feeling and why. The only real difference I can see is the way it is expressed is not always how I am use to it. For example my bf may seem angry when he is confused or my son seems disrespectful when embarrassed. I have also determined that it must be like having three people talking to you at once. The speaker, the facial expressions and the body language. That is enough to throw anyone when trying to process all of that. I have to tell you that I have learned so much about myself as I try to learn how to communicate and if nothing else at least make our home a safe haven where they don't have to try to blend but can just be who they are. My behavior is emotional where there's is concrete. You cant make yourself feel the same emotions but you can make yourself be concrete. How do you explain to a 13 year old why he has to wash dishes other than I said so or to tell a grown man if you loved me you would help with the housework. To me it makes perfect sense. I have come up with a drill. What do I want. Why do I want it and how do I want it to happen. And then that is what I say. The changes are so extreme it is almost comical. And more times than I can count now.. what I think are the reasons for my feelings are not. My feelings were hurt this morning I thought it was because he was going to do something for his art book with a model that I had asked him to do with me for fun and he said he would. (He is great with theatrical make up and photography) although he said yes he also said he had been this king of that for his book too. I thought I was upset because he hadn't done it with me yet. When I had to break it down so I could tell him why I was upset I realized that I didn't want to do it after the model shoot because I would be comparing myself to her shoot. I was upset because I no longer wanted to do it but I wanted to want to do it. I decided bot to share that with him because it was pure emotion with no base in logic or reason. When we take the time to truly learn about someone else we learn a lot about ourselves. I know my post is not along the line of your frustration. I am posting it more so you know that there are people who do not see AS as a limitation and encourage you to speak up.. especially to your wife and let her know. Maybe through written word... What it is like to be you. I am sure no one had mean thoughts in what they said to you. My bf didn't try to upset me by his actions. It is bot always the intent that matters. Try and fail, try and succeed but don't five a second thought to those who tell you they don't see you doing something. And don't feel badly if you try it and fail. Most people would rather be safe and wish they had tried than stick their necks out and do It

Kudos to LoriB for making such great effort to understand AS mentality and turn her behavior (to her) completely upside down to "speak their language!!"

I like the 3 people talking to you at once analogy. Although imagining 3 people speaking to me at once is probably like a NT imagining NINE people speaking to them at once, since if 1 to me is like 3 to a NT, then 3 to me must be like 9...

To get back to pigeonholing... yeah, it is indeed incredibly satisfying to prove someone who says you can't do X wrong! Even MORE satisfying if said person was trying to stop me!

This reminds me of a video on You Tube that talks about famous people who have made it to sucess and earlier in their lives they were told things like "you are too stupid" (said for example to a person who turned out to be really smart such as Einstein), or "you can not act for squat" (said to a famous actress, for example). Never let someone tell you cannot do something if you feel you can or that you really want to. If someone says "I don't see you doing that" then that is their opinion, It is frustrating to be pigeonholed and told that someone "does not see you doing that." Sometimes it could make someone what to do that particular activity even more. Hmmm...reverse psychology in action??

Sorry about the type o's. I am a poor speller but most of those were predictive text and small keys... That was a lot to type on a phone lol

It's been known that I have a disability my entire life (well, since I was 2 1/2). When someone tells me I can't do something I know I can do because of my disability, I essentially tell them "Watch me!" in several different ways to make them questions themselves (and therefore, go ahead and let me do it), and then do it.

Now, though, I usually have the opposite problem. People think I can do things I can't, or that I'll have less trouble than I will.

Meh I do it to NTs all the time.

Im a very fair person.
I do not lie.
Ive made some very good decisions in my life.
I care about those around me.

All I can ever think is really